7 Patriotic Signs and Symptoms You Have the Freedom Flu

Posted on by Freelancer

So you’re feeling a bit under the weather after a recent motorcycle rally. Should you take a Covid test? Why bother! Those tests are about as accurate as the results of the 2020 presidential election. Plus, they are literally made of 1,000 tiny microchips in the form of a nasal swab–I heard about it on Parler!

Besides, have some pride in potentially catching the Freedom Flu. That’s right, we’re taking it back! There is nothing more American than being diagnosed with a preventable, potentially deadly illness because you chose not to get vaccinated or wear a face diaper.

It is your God-given RIGHT to get sick, cost the (deep state) healthcare system thousands of dollars, and downplay the disease’s severity if you survive. That is what our founding fathers fought for!

So, how can you tell if you’ve earned the Freedom Flu? Don’t worry, fellow patriot, we’ve got you covered. This comprehensive list of signs and symptoms will help you determine if you’ve joined the ranks of millions of Americans and contracted this badge of honor.

1. Courageous Coughing
The first sign of Freedom Flu is a cough so persistent, you couldn’t even stop if someone said “the next person who coughs hates Jesus.”

2. Tenacious Trouble Breathing
Does every breath feel like a struggle to you? Are you gasping each inhale like you just heard your child’s school is teaching critical race theory? This may be a sign of Freedom Flu.

3. Spreadeagle Sore Throat
Remember how sore your throat felt the day after you spent 5 hours screaming at a Trump rally back in 2016? Well, the Freedom Flu feels a lot like that, and is just as ‘Murican.

4. Fearless Fever
Much like our troops, this fever will NOT STAND DOWN, no matter how many things you throw at it. But unlike our troops, your AR-15 is no use in this battle. Maybe horse medicine will help? If it’s good enough for Dr. Joe Rogan, MD, PhD, and Nobel Prize-winning scientist Aaron Rodgers , then it’s probably worth a shot!

5. Boldly American Body Aches
If every muscle in your body feels like your suped-up F150 (with Truck Nutz) just drove head-on into you, that could be a symptom you’ve come down with the sickness.

6. Proud Parosmia
Did you lose your sense of smell? Well, yeehaw brother, because that’s a pretty solid sign your immune system is partying with Freedom Flu. Time to turn on some Morgan Wallen, crack open a cold one, and not drink it because it smells like rotten sewage and tastes like shit now.

7. Democracy Death
Holy hell, did you rack up so much Freedom Flu that you actually died!? Well good on you Christian soldier! It takes the tried-est and truest American patriot to succumb to pure freedom and complications of pneumonia. Now for your eternal reward, first dibs on the best seats in heaven before the rest of us get there after the rapture!

Touring Band Adds Last Minute Stop in Memphis to Take Dump on Way from Nashville to Dallas

Posted on by Krissy Howard

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Touring band Dwight Zombie made a last-minute stop in Memphis early yesterday afternoon for the sole purpose of relieving their bowels before immediately leaving for Texas, according to sources desperately trying to book them a show while they were in town.

“We just played Nashville the night before and were planning to drive straight through, but the city was calling us and we knew we had to stop and show some love,” said guitarist Becky Hale. “The latte I had earlier must have used some bad milk or something and those porta-potties on the side of the highway apparently aren’t public bathrooms. We ended up getting some good pics of our drummer Ryan (Carthage) pretending to piss on that Bass Pro Shop pyramid, though, so it was worth the 25-minute delay.”

Rural punks and small-town scene kids within two hours of the city were disappointed to learn the band had promptly departed.

“I saw on their IG live that they were headed to Memphis, and was so psyched to see someone was actually playing a show nearby,” said Greenville, Mississippi resident Dee Hamilton. “By the time I got outta work an hour later they were already halfway to Little Rock. Next time I’ll just drive the two hours to Memphis and fly to Nashville or take a few days off work and drive down to New Orleans. If spending $400 and three sick days is what I need to do to see a band that kind of sucks, then so be it I guess.”

Overlooked cities experts confirmed that the choices made by the band are not uncommon.

“There’s no shame in living in a lesser-traveled city or area, and it comes with a ton of benefits, but in the area of live music proximity, we always get fucked,” explained Wichita resident, Dylan McKee. “We in the community know this move as ‘The Portland Dilemma,’ which has been known to heavily affect cities like Birmingham, Alabama, anything in Texas below Austin, and the entire part of the country where people can’t tell if they’re looking at Wyoming or Ohio on a map.”

UPDATE: The band made a last-minute decision to just endure bladder infections rather than stop anywhere in New Mexico on their way from El Paso to Phoenix.

5 Adorable Photos of Celebrities and Their Pets To Continue Distracting You From Finding a Therapist

Posted on by Heather Cook

It’s clear: You need to find a new therapist like your life depends on it. Possibly literally. Yet here you are, distracted once again by the whims of celebrity clickbait. Sure, it’s not super hard to find a therapist. One simple ZocDoc search and you’re basically done. But the dopamine hits from scrolling through endless photos of famous people and their pets is basically as good as therapy, plus you don’t have to process all that stuff in your past.

Thanks to the unquenchable thirst of celebrity narcissism, you’ll have so many pets to look at, you’ll never need to find a therapist!

Dan Levy and His Capybara – You were just about to start your online quest for a new therapist when suddenly you found yourself staring at this jaw-dropping photo of Dan Levy and his Capybara. Is it even legal to own one of those as a pet? Probably not, but you’re wasting a lot of time trying to find out. Time you could have wasted searching for a therapist

Reese Witherspoon and Her Donkey – Crippling social anxiety from months of quarantine? Self-diagnosing yourself as depressed? Suddenly realizing you might be a nihilist? These are all blatant signs that it’s time to look at this precious photo of Reese Witherspoon and her donkey. Surely you can suffer a little longer for the sake of this cuteness!

Michael B. Jordan and His Kitty Cat – By now you could have made a long list of therapists to call, but instead you’re drooling over this salacious photo of Michael B. Jordan and his pretty little kitty cat. Therapy costs money, but this adorable distraction is totally free, baby!

Dua Lipa and Her Bearded Dragon – You used to think reptiles were slimy and gross before you saw this charming picture of Dua Lipa giving her bearded dragon a kiss. About five minutes ago you were contemplating whether life is even worth living anymore, but now you’re blissfully distracted and forget why you even sat down at the computer in the first place.

Zendaya and Her Kangaroo – Alright, enough is enough. Look at you. You’re covered in candy wrappers and you’re no longer sure which of these half-drunk wine bottles is the “fresh” one. You should seriously schedule a therapy appointment ASAP. Your family and friends are worried about you. But, since you’re here, enjoy this final picture of Zendaya and her kangaroo. Now, get to work!

New iPhone Predictive Text Feature Generates Excuses for Why You Can’t Go to Friend’s Show

Posted on by Dianne Nora

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s newest iPhone operating system, iOS 16, includes a predictive text feature that allegedly recognizes when the user is being invited to a friend’s show and generates excuses for why the user will not be able to attend, according to sources within the company.

“Apple has always been about connection, but also innovation, and our newest iOS feature is a major disruption to everything we know about connecting to those we love most. I’m excited to announce: iCan’t,” said an elated Tim Cook, practically giddy as he presented the new feature at an Apple keynote. “How many times have you been guilted into a live performance of the art your friend has dedicated their life to, unable to come up with an excuse why you couldn’t attend quickly enough, when what you really wanted was to stay in and watch Apple TV’s first-rate programming? You’ll never have to lie to your friends that their set totally killed again. Why? Because you’ll be home, on your couch, where you belong, thanks to iCan’t.”

Alba Cassidy, one of the lead designers of the new feature, insists it offers more than pre-canned excuses that the recipient might recognize as lies.

“It was really important to me that we took advantage of the region’s most plentiful resource when developing iCan’t: narcissists,” Cassidy said. “We’ve enlisted the flakiest, most self-absorbed technical engineers and coders from all across Silicon Valley to generate these unique excuses in real-time. The lies they can generate are so soundproof, users in the beta stage sometimes began believing the excuses themselves.”

Joyce Haley, a tech analyst, explained how the feature functions from the user’s perspective.

“First, the feature goes into triage mode to assess the threat level of the event — is it across town? Is there a hefty cover fee? Is this a contact who only hits you up to see their shows? If any of those are spotted, a red flag icon appears, and you just tap on it to send iCan’t into gear,” she explained. “At first I was skeptical, but I tried it on with a friend’s set last week, and the excuse was so solid, she apologized to me for bringing it up when I have so much going on, and texted me the next day to see if I needed anything. I was just planning to take an edible and watch Squid Game, but if I’d gone to the show, I would have had to put pants on. iCan’t saved me.”

At press time, Cook was using iCan’t to get out of a summons to testify in Congress regarding the Judiciary Committee’s antitrust investigation.

Amazing: This Woman Has Quit Smoking 18 Times

Posted on by Dom Turek

Any “expert” who says willpower alone isn’t enough to overcome an addiction clearly hasn’t met Sara Whittaker, a woman whose ironclad self-discipline has allowed her to quit smoking an astonishing 18 times.

According to research on addiction, behavioral changes and nicotine replacement therapies yield the best results when quitting smoking. Still, Whittaker swears by her methods, including avoidance and a thick rubber band she snaps on her wrist every time she gets the overwhelming urge to light up.

“As long as I can avoid sex, driving, food and, everyday stress, I’m golden,” said Whittaker taking an extra-long pull from her mango-flavored vape pen. “Quitting is easy once you find something to satisfy your oral fixation, like carrot sticks, chewing gum, or just taking a few drags from your friend’s cigarette.”

As if kicking her nicotine habit 18 times wasn’t impressive enough, Whittaker also has nine stints of sobriety under her belt and is even planning on throwing her Juul in the garbage for the 3rd time this month.

Those close to Whittaker say she’s a habitual smoker who bargains her way back into bumming a cigarette any chance she gets, but Whittaker rebuffs their remarks as jealousy.

“Why would I take advice from someone who’s only quit smoking once or twice?” Asked Whittaker. “Every time I quit smoking, I do it to inspire people and as a fuck you to billion-dollar corporations, and also because that weird lump in my neck is starting to hurt again, and I don’t have any health insurance.”

A grim statistic reports that while 70 percent of current smokers want to quit, only 8 percent will be successful, but Whittaker is optimistic because she has the power of prayer on her side.

“Every time I feel that lump in my neck or have a cough lasting more than two months, I’ll get down on my knees and tell a god of my choosing that if they make sure I don’t have cancer, I’ll never smoke another cigarette as long as I live,” said Whittaker, who has yet to keep up her end of the bargain. “God is good, unfortunately just not as good as cigarettes.”

Punk Jehovah’s Witness Wants To Know If You Have A Minute To Talk Shit About Jesus

Posted on by Michael De Toffoli

NEWCASTLE, Wyo. — Local punk and Jehovah’s Witness Mike “Pitstain” Dawson took it upon himself to counterbalance the Jehovah’s Witness’ message by going door to door talking shit about Jesus.

“I usually look forward to chatting with the nice Jehovah’s Witness’ when they drop by, but then this angry young man started in with his ‘mother f-er’ this, and ‘bastard child of a sky fart’ that,” said lifelong Newcastle resident Edith Young, who met Dawson while on his rounds at her retirement community. “Once he finished the cookies I made him and raided my liquor cabinet I didn’t mind that he got lost with his Jesus talk. Those guys are always annoying, but at least I’m not left with a trashed restroom when they finally go away.”

Dawson has been going door to door spreading his “word of shade” as he calls it, essentially engaging Newcastle residents in conversation about how weak the one true lord and savior really is.

“He made a lot of good points,” said Chuck Vivanco, a former Berkeley, California resident and recent Newcastle transplant. “When I moved to Wyoming I was admittedly lost, and his message of shit talking and shade-throwing gave me a sense of community and peace here. The love I’ve found in my heart for hating on that hippie nerd JC has gotten me through some bleak times, man.”

The Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses has felt differently however, claiming that even though Dawson’s drive is in the right place, his confrontational message is ultimately off-book.

“I won’t lie, I admire that young man’s spirit. His drive to reach wayward souls, and the miles that he’s already put in to bother them on their days off is impressive,” said Nancy Russell, a supportive but critical elder at Kingdom Hall in Newcastle. “But we’re not here to talk shit, we Jehovah’s Witnesses are here to spread shit. The shit of Jesus Christ. It’s up to everyone to find their own way, we merely serve as conduits in pushing them there by bothering them in the privacy of their own homes.”

Following Dawson’s lead, Kingdom Hall began a new youth-oriented outreach program which encourages the ministry to seek followers behind dumpsters and in school parking lots, where they drink handles and smoke weed while talking shit about Satan, to mixed results.

Man Has No Idea What Best Friend Does for a Living

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Chris Jones was left reeling after realizing that he had no clue as to what his best friend of 25 years does for a living, sources within their friend circle have reported.

“Kevin [Ortiz] and I have been side by side through everything for like a quarter of a century, so it’s not like we keep secrets from each other. But the other day he texted me to pick him up from work before we hit the bar and I drew a complete blank on what he actually does for a living,” said Jones. “Last I remember he was griping about working overtime on budget reconciliation, so maybe accounting? I could’ve sworn he majored in Communications. Maybe he’s in marketing, I can see him doing that because he is super creative.”

Jones’ longtime friend, was in disbelief that his job was a complete mystery to someone he viewed as a brother.

“Is he for real right now? I’m literally the owner of an independent IT firm and have been for like, five years. I even offered him a position with the company last year and he turned it down because he said it ‘wasn’t in his field of expertise’, as if we both didn’t work at Best Buy all throughout high school,” said Ortiz. “I love Chris to death but sometimes he just misses the forest for the trees, but I know he’s in too deep to ask me at this point. I keep handing him my business card to drop in fish bowls for those free lunch raffles at restaurants, but I don’t think he’s thought to take the bait once.”

Experts from the US Department of Labor weighed in on Jones’ predicament, citing that this is not an isolated incident.

“One of the metrics the agency tracks, other than unemployment, is how little interest people have in the careers of their friends and close relations. The only exception would involve careers that are mutually beneficial to the other party, like being the plug for sporting events or PlayStation 5’s, or maybe a massage therapist or chef,” said agency rep Laurel McClair. “Mr. Jones’ case is quite typical, as we’ve discovered about 4 in 10 people will naturally drown out the banal happenings of someone’s office life unless it involves gross incompetence or someone shitting their pants in a meeting. Most people just assume their friends’ titles to be ‘project something’ and never think about it again.”

As of press time, Jones couldn’t believe he was also spacing on the names of Ortiz’s children, both of which he was Godfather to.

Report: Still Unclear Why Pretty Much Everything Wouldn’t Remain on Zoom or Just Not Happen At All

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Countless sources from around the world are reportedly still unsure why anything is going back to happening in person and why anyone is even bothering doing anything at all at this point.

“Having just about everything in life move to a remote space was pretty weird and hard at first, but I got used to it relatively quickly,” said full-time student and part-time marketing assistant, Barat Reddy. “Now, things are pretty much back to in-person all the time, and I just don’t see the point of that, or really anything, for that matter. Why commute to work to ignore my manager’s emails when I can just ignore them from home in half the time? I’m thinking about everyone’s efficiency here.”

People’s preferences for staying home to conduct business over telecommunications platforms like Zoom are no longer limited to just work matters.

“I attended a Zoom wedding last July, which was kind of weird at first. After realizing I could just have the wedding playing in the background while I watched ‘Tiger King’ and then Venmo the couple $40 in lieu of a real gift, I don’t think I can ever go back,” said Milwaukee resident with his camera off, Dwayne Daniels. “Plus, the groom’s brother still got shitfaced and started sharing Vegas pics from the bachelor party in the chat that definitely no one was ever supposed to see, so it was basically exactly like going to a real wedding, minus the tux rental fee and time it takes to gel my hair down.”

Social isolation experts confirmed the people on Earth came to a general consensus that if anything is going to have the audacity to happen, it should be accessible via a link or not occur at all.

“It was hard enough for many people to find the motivation to put on shoes and pants with no drawstring before the pandemic, and since just about everything moved online, it’s been difficult to imagine going back,” said local 41-year-old who just had his meds adjusted again, Frank Meyer. “That compounded with the fact that the world is literally burning and our dollar is going to be worthless soon just makes it that much harder to convince anyone to take time out of their lives to attend a baby shower in person.”

At press time, Reddy was politely pretending to consider attending a standing room only show with a friend before abandoning it to get back to compulsively scroll through TikTok.

1,001 Albums You Must Hear Before I Fucking Kill You

Posted on by John Danek

First things first, have a seat! Ha! Little joke I like to make to people I hogtie to my wondrous collection of barber chairs. I’m not your run-of-the-mill serial killer. I like to have fun and appreciate the arts while I follow the commands of the voices. And this time, I’m in a music mood.

Here are 1,001 albums that will play in this concrete bunker before I end your life. We absolutely have to start with the essentials. I’m talking about The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, and Ashlee Simpson. We’ll tackle their entire discographies but I loathe repeats so we’ll skip any greatest hits compilations. B-sides and demos are fair play though. I know, I know, there’s no reason to yell about it. Seriously, stop screaming. No one can hear you down here. Anyways, b-sides can provide some seriously deep insight into the evolution of an artist.

Once we get through the standards, we enter my favorite part of the collection — obscure gems that I think are under-appreciated. I’m talking extremely limited krautrock vinyl, Seattle grunge bands who never signed to majors, music inspired by My Little Pony, and others. This is stuff Pitchfork WISH they knew about. They’ll rue the day they never responded to my unsolicited 10/10 review of Radiohead’s Pablo Honey. It’s their masterwork and appears no less than 7 times in this 1,001 album list.

After that comes everyone’s favorite music for working and studying- soundtracks! Most of my soundtracks are royalty-free loops and recordings used for corporate presentations, which are so underrated. It’ll make you long for your cubicle job where I lured you into my furniture truck. But no, I will kill you first.

Before we hit the final stretch, I like to play a little goof on my victims in the form of rapper Lil B’s entire discography. 61 albums, mixtapes, and EPs. I still can’t decide if he’s some misunderstood genius or just looney.

And for the final 34 albums you must hear before I fucking gut you? Why, the music of yours truly! Not many people know this but before I became a prolific and evasive serial killer, I dabbled in early 2010’s chillwave bedroom dreampop. Trust me- once you hit my Greatest Motherfucker Alive EP, you’ll be ready for me to fucking kill you.

Touring Band Spins Mythical Yarn of Small Town Scene that “Went Absolute Apeshit” on Recent Tour

Posted on by Peter Woods

NEW YORK — Members of Racked Brain returned from a weekend “tour” and immediately began telling their friends tales of a “packed and absolutely bonkers” show in Laconia, New Hampshire, skeptical sources confirmed.

“Nothing was out of the ordinary before the set began, therefore nothing could have prepared us for the power of this audience,” opined lead singer Ernest Chase. “As soon as we picked up our instruments, a buzz shot through the venue like a lightning bolt of insanity. Everyone there started rushing the stage, people were coming in from the street. I saw like four dudes climb through a window, and one guy came in through the ceiling. They knew every word to every song, even the unreleased songs. It was pretty fucking tight.”

“The overwhelming excitement I felt in that moment is almost beyond words,” added Chase. “But needless to say, they moshed, like, really fucking hard.”

Upon hearing this mythic tale, Racked Brain’s New York colleagues felt an immediate need to journey to Laconia as well.

“God, I want to play there so bad. It all sounds so amazing,” said Brianna Blanchard, guitarist for power violence band Rubble Stuffers. “It sucks that playing around here is so boring. No one here dances anymore because they are all ‘too cool’ for that, but I know they would love us over in Laconia. Plus, I bet they would buy a shit ton of merch and we still have, like, 180 copies of our LP left.”

Despite the overwhelmingly excited response from members of Racked Brain, the attendees at the show had a different opinion.

“Oh, that band that played last week? Yeah, they weren’t bad,” said Laconia native Sam Webb. “I mean, it was pretty straightforward D-Beat. Nothing I haven’t heard before, but it was solid. The problem is that Dog Jockers are from here and they do exactly what that band does except way faster and louder and better.”

“You should come check out a Dog Jockers show around here sometime,” Webb added. “People actually mosh for real at those shows, unlike when Warped Brain [sic] played.”

Following their successful trip, Racked Brain has already announced plans to ride their current momentum with another show, this time in their hometown of New York City. As of press time, four people have RSVP’d on the Facebook event.

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