Any “expert” who says willpower alone isn’t enough to overcome an addiction clearly hasn’t met Sara Whittaker, a woman whose ironclad self-discipline has allowed her to quit smoking an astonishing 18 times.
According to research on addiction, behavioral changes and nicotine replacement therapies yield the best results when quitting smoking. Still, Whittaker swears by her methods, including avoidance and a thick rubber band she snaps on her wrist every time she gets the overwhelming urge to light up.
“As long as I can avoid sex, driving, food and, everyday stress, I’m golden,” said Whittaker taking an extra-long pull from her mango-flavored vape pen. “Quitting is easy once you find something to satisfy your oral fixation, like carrot sticks, chewing gum, or just taking a few drags from your friend’s cigarette.”
As if kicking her nicotine habit 18 times wasn’t impressive enough, Whittaker also has nine stints of sobriety under her belt and is even planning on throwing her Juul in the garbage for the 3rd time this month.
Those close to Whittaker say she’s a habitual smoker who bargains her way back into bumming a cigarette any chance she gets, but Whittaker rebuffs their remarks as jealousy.
“Why would I take advice from someone who’s only quit smoking once or twice?” Asked Whittaker. “Every time I quit smoking, I do it to inspire people and as a fuck you to billion-dollar corporations, and also because that weird lump in my neck is starting to hurt again, and I don’t have any health insurance.”
A grim statistic reports that while 70 percent of current smokers want to quit, only 8 percent will be successful, but Whittaker is optimistic because she has the power of prayer on her side.
“Every time I feel that lump in my neck or have a cough lasting more than two months, I’ll get down on my knees and tell a god of my choosing that if they make sure I don’t have cancer, I’ll never smoke another cigarette as long as I live,” said Whittaker, who has yet to keep up her end of the bargain. “God is good, unfortunately just not as good as cigarettes.”