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Report: Still Unclear Why Pretty Much Everything Wouldn’t Remain on Zoom or Just Not Happen At All

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Countless sources from around the world are reportedly still unsure why anything is going back to happening in person and why anyone is even bothering doing anything at all at this point.

“Having just about everything in life move to a remote space was pretty weird and hard at first, but I got used to it relatively quickly,” said full-time student and part-time marketing assistant, Barat Reddy. “Now, things are pretty much back to in-person all the time, and I just don’t see the point of that, or really anything, for that matter. Why commute to work to ignore my manager’s emails when I can just ignore them from home in half the time? I’m thinking about everyone’s efficiency here.”

People’s preferences for staying home to conduct business over telecommunications platforms like Zoom are no longer limited to just work matters.

“I attended a Zoom wedding last July, which was kind of weird at first. After realizing I could just have the wedding playing in the background while I watched ‘Tiger King’ and then Venmo the couple $40 in lieu of a real gift, I don’t think I can ever go back,” said Milwaukee resident with his camera off, Dwayne Daniels. “Plus, the groom’s brother still got shitfaced and started sharing Vegas pics from the bachelor party in the chat that definitely no one was ever supposed to see, so it was basically exactly like going to a real wedding, minus the tux rental fee and time it takes to gel my hair down.”

Social isolation experts confirmed the people on Earth came to a general consensus that if anything is going to have the audacity to happen, it should be accessible via a link or not occur at all.

“It was hard enough for many people to find the motivation to put on shoes and pants with no drawstring before the pandemic, and since just about everything moved online, it’s been difficult to imagine going back,” said local 41-year-old who just had his meds adjusted again, Frank Meyer. “That compounded with the fact that the world is literally burning and our dollar is going to be worthless soon just makes it that much harder to convince anyone to take time out of their lives to attend a baby shower in person.”

At press time, Reddy was politely pretending to consider attending a standing room only show with a friend before abandoning it to get back to compulsively scroll through TikTok.