The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

We Interviewed the Wrong Jethro Tull but Now We Know How To Make Crank in a Washtub

Posted on November 12, 2021 by Dan Rice

Getting to interview rock legends is bar none the coolest perk to being a music journalist. When a chance to interview Jethro Tull fell on my lap I was ecstatic. I wasn’t a fan of theirs by any means. I could only name two songs off the top of my head, Aqualung and… I forget the other one. But I’ve totally heard of them and it seemed like a sure-fire way to make my dad think I had a real job. It was an excitement that lasted all the way until I got on the plane and looked Jethro Tull up on Wikipedia to prepare for my interview.

It turns out that’s not even a guy. It’s the name of a band that doesn’t even have a “Jethro” in it, which is confusing as all get out, frankly. But more importantly, who the fuck was the Jethro Tull I was about to interview in Oregon?! The guy on the phone very clearly identified himself as one Mr. Jethro Tull, not a representative of the collective Jethro Tull.

Jethro sounded a little out of his mind over the phone, truth be told, and the direction he gave to his “compound” sounded shady as hell. I had chalked it up to rockstar craziness at first, but under this new lens, it sort of felt like regular person craziness? Oh well, an assignment is an assignment.

We arrived at the compound, a 10 acre square of what used to be a farm where nothing would grow anymore because, according to Jethro, “dung dirt got the devil in it boy, yehehehehe!” He was full of sayings like that, and it scared the fuck out of us. It seemed that every 20 yards or so in any direction on the property there was an old rusting vehicle or machine of some kind with a really mean dog chained to it.

After spending way too long and getting way too much pleasure out of telling us what any one of those dogs would do to us if we were stupid enough to get close, Jethro ushered us to the tool shed where “the magic happens.”

We were hoping to glean some insight into the band’s controversial 1990 Grammy win for best metal album. Instead, we learned how to produce “the finest high octane peanut butter washtub crank this side of the equator,” a skill that, if Jethro is to be believed, can net us over $1000 a year if we “play our cards right and watch our intake.”

We wound up having a lot of questions for Jethro, but before we could get into that a fleet of vans came barreling in our direction, and before I knew it Jethro was throwing shotguns at us screaming, “duck and cover time boys!”

Long story short, shit got real Green Room real fast, and after my photographer buddy was brutally murdered by… I think Czechnyans? Either way, I got the fuck out of there. Toby, you were one hell of a photographer and an amazing frie… Locomotive Breath! THAT was the other Tull song I know. It just hit me!

‘Beyond Butterfly,’ Musical Featuring the Songs of Crazy Town, Closes on Opening Night

Posted on November 12, 2021 by Alicia Hawkes

NEW YORK — Broadway’s newest jukebox musical, “Beyond Butterfly,” featuring the music of early 2000s rap-rock band Crazy Town, opened at the Winter Garden Theatre on Saturday night before immediately closing.

“With this musical, we hoped to show the sonic artistry of Crazy Town outside of just ‘Butterfly,’” said executive producer Elliot Masterson. “It’s a sprawling epic following 17 different characters on their quests for fame, love, and star tattoos in Y2K-era Hollywood. But the audience was not happy. Almost everyone demanded refunds, even people with comped tickets. Evidently, people would have preferred an empty stage with ‘Butterfly’ playing over the loudspeakers. It was short-lived, but meant a lot to me and the crew.”

Audience member Clair Fischer, who found her ticket on the floor of a gas station bathroom and decided to attend out of “morbid curiosity,” doesn’t think song selection was the problem with the play.

“I made the choice to go, so I’m not going to ask for a refund. But now that I think about it, wasting two hours of my life just to snap a three-second video of some guy singing ‘come my lady, come, come my lady’ was a pretty poor use of time,” Fischer recalled. “My issue with the whole thing is just…why? Why did this happen? Someone rented lights to make this thing happen, that just upsets me.”

Two other “Beyond Butterfly” attendees, Cheryl and Ron Delaney of Oklahoma City, reported neutral-to-almost positive experiences.

“I don’t know what Crazy Town is but we’re in New York for our 50th anniversary and I wanted to see a Broadway show. It was a little strange but after a few glasses of champagne I had a nice time,” said Cheryl Delaney. “Ronnie here is more of a Kottonmouth Kings guy, but they did give us a coupon for a free chocolate muffin from Gristedes, so that’s kind of nice.”

Masterson said that given the scope of the failure he will not attempt to mount the production again, and will instead begin work on his next project, “Why Can’t This be Love?” a musical featuring the music of Gary Cherone-era Van Halen, set to open on Valentine’s Day.

Veteran Still Traumatized by Terrifying Memories of Navigating VA Benefits System

Posted on November 11, 2021 by Dianne Nora

INDIANAPOLIS — National Guard veteran Katy Hawkins is reportedly still suffering from traumatic memories of attempting to navigate the benefits owed to her by the United States Department of Veterans Affairs.

“I came home in 2015, but the disturbing visions of endless paperwork and delayed payments still keep me up at night,” said Hawkins, one of an estimated 550,000 veterans currently living in Indiana. “And I know I’m not alone. So many of the men and women I served with, when we get together, all we can talk about is the nightmares of convoluted forms submitted online that never get responses, or the frightening sound of email notifications from seeing disability or health benefits rejected because we forgot to sign or initial a form. I’m one of the lucky ones, because I can talk about it, but I know on some level I’ll never be the person I was before filing a VA claim.”

Veterans Service Officers, or VSOs, are tasked with helping vets access their benefits, but many say they struggle with under-funding and a lack of responsiveness from VA administrators.

“When I started as a VSO, I was earning less than $30,000 a year, and that salary was after working for the military for two decades,” said Hal Whittington, a VSO and Airforce veteran. “To live on that, I had to bartend at night, and like a lot of vets, I turned to alcohol myself to dull the pain of the administrative red tape I was putting these guys through. When I first joined the VA, I knew the pay was shit and the hours would be hard, but I thought we were going to be making a difference, making the world a little better. Now, after seeing thousands of people I couldn’t help, I wonder if it was actually the right decision to go in in the first place.”

Some prominent conservatives, including former President Donald Trump, suggest that privatizing the VA could make these programs more efficient.

“Right now, the Veterans Administration has a massive, completely bloated budget. It’s plagued by inconsistency and bureaucracy, and yet, it’s not reaching nearly its full potential in enriching the shareholders of private corporations,” said Senator Jerry Moran, the Ranking Member of the Veteran Affairs committee in the US Senate. “If you look at other parts of our defense budget, they manage to inflict substantial damage, rack up huge costs, and still pad the bottom lines of the ultra-wealthy, and there’s just no reason the VA shouldn’t be able to do the same.”

At press time, Moran said that he was proposing legislation that would offer one lucky unhoused veteran shelter for twenty-four hours in observance of Veterans Day.

We Sat Down With the Guy Who Had Like a Whole Fuckin’ Beard in 6th Grade

Posted on November 11, 2021 by John Danek

Genetics is a roll of the dice, especially during puberty. Some of us developed early. Some developed late. The only commonality was that we all developed in an incredibly awkward fashion. Well, except that one guy. Seemingly every single middle school had that one dude who could inexplicably grow the beard of a middle-aged HVAC repairman with three kids at home, despite being only like fuckin’ 12. Meanwhile, some of us can still barely muster a patchy monstrosity despite letting it grow out for nine months at a time.

We caught up with Mr. Mature Suave Manly Man himself: our 6th-grade beard guy.

The Hard Times: Please state your name and what brewery you work at.
Beard Guy: Uhh, my name is Brandon and I actually work in IT. Is that some kind of joke? I don’t work in a brewery.

Sure you don’t, Braxton. Why don’t you cut the shit already? You think you’re better than me?
Woah, where is this hostility coming from? I thought we were cool. I still hang with your brother from time to time. I thought this interview was supposed to be about beard maintenance.

Just because some of us are follicly-challenged doesn’t mean you get to walk all over us and bang our girlfriends, Brenden.
I’ve been married to my wife since we were both 23 so I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you ok? I’m a great listener if you have something you need to get off your chest.

That’s the problem, Bryan! I don’t have anything on my chest! No hair whatsoever. I’m a hairless, smooth freak! And you walk around with a big dumb smile on your face like life is great, just plowing every virgin who tosses themselves your way.
I’m starting to think you have a skewed view of how the world treats people with beards. You should see a therapist.

That’s easy for you to say! You can probably reach into your beard and pull out hundred-dollar bills to pay your therapist.
That doesn’t even make sense. Is that a stereotype of people with beards? That our facial hair produces money? Look, I’m just gonna head out.

Just let me touch it, Borat! I want to feel a beard. Come here. Don’t run! LET ME TOUCH IT.

Bullying Teens Cause Man to Improve Self in Every Way

Posted on November 11, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

LAS CRUCES, N.M — Several local teens mocking adult man Terry Rothstein at the Mesilla Valley Mall have inadvertently caused him to work to improve himself and his life in every conceivable way, according to sources.

“I was minding my own business at the pretzel stand, wondering whether I should get another side of caramel dipping sauce when these really spiteful, but accurate teenagers started making fun of me,” said Rothstein while doing jumping jacks at his local gym. “Just really laying into my clothes, the way I walk, loudly guessing how much I make and the last time I had sex with a frightening degree of accuracy. I knew I had to improve myself if I ever wanted to survive that again, so I picked up where I left off on the last 2-week shred I started and stopped after two days.”

Alan Guzman, a friend of Prescott’s, was surprised but supportive of his abrupt upward shift.

“It’s weird how some teens busting on his Dillard’s bag was the thing that made him start to get his life together,” he said. “But I guess it’s for the best. I heard he got a promotion at his job after nailing a big presentation, and I’ve honestly never seen him look this good. He used to wear exclusively Tommy Bahama shirts, rain or shine, but after those teens apparently called him a “Jimmy Buffett-looking sprinkle boy,” he threw out his entire wardrobe.”

“Dude’s training for a marathon now,” Rothstein said. “Must have been some real mean kids.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter has been aware of the transformative power of teenage mockery for some time.

“Ill-spirited teens are much more perceptive than we give them credit for,” said Dr. Carter. “From narrowing in on their mothers’ deepest insecurities to making a high school teacher second-guess their entire choice of career, to making some schlub like Mr. Rothstein put down the goddamn froyo for once in his life, their incredibly hurtful commentary is enough to make any grown adult think twice about existing in public.”

As of press time, the teens in question were heard screaming insults at us as we were walking away and pretending to be reading something on our phones in an effort to avoid making eye contact with the leader.

5 Sexy Veterans Day Ideas in Case You Want To Have a Really Sexy Veterans Day

Posted on November 11, 2021 by Dan Rice

Veteran’s day is a somber holiday in which we honor all who serve or have served in the U.S military, living or dead. It is an annual reminder that whether their service was in a time of war or a time of peace, the brave men and women who dedicate themselves to the protection of our great nation deserve recognition and gratitude. It is not inherently a sexy day, but, let’s change that?

We checked the algorithm, we crunched the numbers, and apparently this is what you people want. Kind of weird, but, okay, no judgement. Here are some ways that you can sexualize Veteran’s day if, for whatever reason, you are wont to do that.

Sexy Stolen Valor
We all love to dress up, I guess. So, if you and your partner want to dress up in military uniforms, the same uniforms worn by the brave men and women who put their life on the line to protect your freedom, before absolutely going to town on one another, knock yourselves out.

Make Out To Saving Private Ryan
Steven Spielberg’s WW2 epic is perhaps the greatest war film of the 1990s, and according to many veterans who lived through the great war incredibly accurate in its depiction of what soldiers back then were really like. From the jaw-dropping opening of the carnage at Normandy to it’s more contemplative character studies it is a truly engrossing film on many levels. But if you want to play tonsil tennis and finger bang each other while it’s on, like, you can. Go for it.

Hey, you’re weird, you know that?

POW Role-play
Okay this is just… ugh, why are you like this?! This is insanely disrespectful and will probably get super problematic but yeah, you and your partner could play out a POW torture camp fantasy, sure.

Fuck On The American Flag
Why not? Why the fuck not you goddamn animals?! Fine! If you want to pay tribute to our nation’s service men and women by going to pound town all over the symbol that they fight and die for, be my fucking guest!

Go Swinging At Your Local VA
Honestly, if you’re into swinging, this is solid advice any day of the year, that place is basically a hookup scene.

Report: Women Who Date Men Over 40 At Risk of Exposure to Pennywise

Posted on November 11, 2021 by Dianne Nora

WALTHAM, Mass. — A recent study published by the New England Journal of Medicine found that women who date men over the age of 40 are at increased risk of exposure to the punk band Pennywise.

“We hope our study will help women everywhere gain an awareness of certain early symptoms of Pennywise exposure. If not treated immediately, Pennywise can spread quickly,” said Shivani Carty, one of the lead researchers. “In one case, we found a 25-year-old had been subjected to ‘About Time’ from her 43-year-old partner as late as 2021. By the time she sought treatment, the condition had metastasized beyond music to long shorts, visors, and a complete loss of taste, which her physicians expect will be irreversible.”

Pennywise founder and lead-singer Jim Lindberg was not surprised by the study’s findings, acknowledging his awareness of increased risk for certain demographic groups.

“Pennywise attracts people who aren’t afraid to buck convention, free thinkers and free spirits, so it doesn’t surprise me that guys over 40 who are still single might be drawn to us,” Lindberg said. “Nothing says fuck the establishment like dating a younger woman, or rocking a soul patch for two to three decades. I like to think that visionaries like Einstein and Leonardo da Vinci or Dane Cook would have listened to Pennywise, and those dudes definitely fucked. Society puts all this pressure on men today to conform, but Pennywise fans know better.”

“Our fans are not going to suddenly settle down and live in the suburbs, unless that’s where their parents’ basements are, and we’re not going to even remotely change up our sound from the last twelve albums just because society tells us to,” he added.

While researchers are hoping their findings will lead to early intervention, some experts fear that this might only excite the Pennywise fans.

“There’s a particular mania associated with Pennywise fandom that leads those afflicted to defend the group vociferously, and at great length, to anyone within earshot. Because men in their 40s are already susceptible to loudly speaking over others, the combination can be especially potent,” explained Max Poole, an epidemiologist who focuses on pop punk clusters. “One Pennywise fan began defending the band when they were kicked off the Vans Warped Tour Show in 2001. He has not stopped speaking since. The woman he was speaking to died from exhaustion.”

At press time, Carty added that researchers were also hoping to study Pennywise fans in their teens and 20s, but no such fans have been found.

The Hard Times Sexiest Man Alive 2021

Posted on November 10, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

We asked and you voted! Meet The Hard Times Sexiest Man Alive 2021: Slimy the oppossum!

At 2-and-a-half years old, Slimy has been through the wringer, and still can’t believe he was your pick for the absolutely hottest and most doable man on Earth. “Most people scream at the sight of me, so you can imagine my surprise when someone from The Hard Times knocked over the trash can I’m living behind to let me know I swept this whole fucking thing,” said Slimy, of the much-anticipated announcement. “I bet now everyone will think twice before waving a broomstick in my face or scream about ‘having to move’ when they see me eating a bag of dried beans in their garage. 2022 is looking real good for Ol’ Slimy.”

Slimy expects his life to change dramatically upon being bestowed with the honor and expressed his gratitude in a manner that could not possibly be described as “humble” in any sense of the word.

“Actually though, I know I said I was surprised, but now that I think about it, how could it have been anyone else? You really think some scrawny fuckhead in a Carhartt beanie has a sexual energy that can rival this?” Slimy explained while making a V with two of his weird small fingers and flicking his tongue in it despite begging him to stop and even leaving the room twice. “What’s the prize money situation for this thing anyway?”

Anyway, congrats to Slimy, we guess. We look forward to seeing what kinds of sexy adventures he’ll get into next year assuming he doesn’t get hit by a car or shot with a BB gun while rummaging for old banana peels.

Stay tuned for the results of our reader’s poll where we’ll reveal your top pics for “Hottest Guy Sitting in For the Real Merch Guy While He Runs to the Bathroom Real Quick,” “Thirstiest Roadie,” and “Most Embarrassing DM That Was Screenshotted and Shared Without Even Scribbling the Sender’s Name and Pic Out First.”

Honestly, though, we really do wish you all took this thing seriously, there are way more deserving people in the scene, and now Slimy will not stop pitching us the shittiest headlines. We had to create a fake email account for him to send them to because he was clogging up our inbox. Thanks for nothing.

Dom Too Tired To Walk Sub Around House on Leash Tonight

Posted on November 10, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — Local sub Darren Payne was rebuffed by his partner, Anthony Clark, in his request to be bound, gagged, and forced to walk around the apartment on all fours wearing a leash, the ‘just really tired’ dom reported.

“The firm’s just been slammed lately, so I’ve just been completely drained,” Clark reported while half-heartedly spanking Payne. “Nothing turns me on more than when we do our naughty puppy roleplay, I’m not the kiss and tell type, but he rides me like a Harley Davidson and it gets just as loud. Hopefully he wasn’t too disappointed when I suggested we just pop a bottle of wine and catch up on the Bake-Off. It’s kind of like preemptive aftercare, if you will.”

Payne offered his assessment of the situation through a mask with his Sir’s permission to speak.

“I guess I was hoping that since it was Friday, maybe he’d have a bit of a second wind to rawdog the hell out of me, but c’est la vie,” Payne remarked. “Usually he can’t resist the pup mask and jock strap, but work must really be beating down on him, which is supposed to be the job he does for me. Hopefully, this weekend we’ll have time to break out the swing or maybe the two-headed dildo. This dry spell is starting to get to me.”

Associates of the couple were also quick to note the recent change in the couple’s coital habits.

“Yeah from their many unsolicited comments, I take it Darren and Anthony fuck a lot,” noted friend of the couple, Bryan Davis. “They always tell us about whichever new position or toy they are trying. Sometimes they tell us a little too much, I think. But last night, Darren mentioned they hadn’t slept together in a few days. I mentioned I haven’t had sex since prior to the pandemic and he just sort of dropped it.”

At press time, Clark agreed to secure the nipple clamps on Payne if he’d just leave him alone for 20 minutes.

Joe Rogan Fan Pretty Open-Minded To Everything Joe Rogan Believes

Posted on November 10, 2021 by Cory Cousins

NORFOLK, Va. — Local man and self-proclaimed “Roganite,” Connor Patterson, admits to being open to a variety of expert opinions and science facts, as long as they are endorsed by Joe Rogan, Patterson’s mushroom coffee supplier confirmed.

“I have a thirst for knowledge and it seems the best way for my brain to be quenched is through hours of listening to guests on the ‘Joe Rogan Experience,’” said Patterson while taking CBD tincture and receiving an intravenous vitamin drip. “I opted to not take the COVID vaccine, because I’m young, healthy, and am heavily involved in amateur MMA. Unfortunately, I didn’t ingest enough Vitamin D and I contracted a nasty case of COVID after I entered a back alley jiu-jitsu tournament. It sucked, but with Joe’s guidance, I went to my local alternative medicine shaman, and he hooked me up with a dozen boxes of Ivermectin tablets. Now, I’m proud to say that I’m COVID-free, and only have intermittent nausea/vomiting, balance issues, the occasional seizure, and a bizarre craving for hay.”

Longtime friend Amy Nguyen remembered a different version of Patterson before he became infatuated with Rogan’s podcast.

“When we were in college, Connor was actually pretty well-read and highly skeptical of pseudoscience quackery,” noted Nguyen. “But ever since he started listening to Rogan, he just sends me unsolicited audio clips of disgraced doctors via Facebook messenger, which support fortune cookie philosophies and memes with bullshit motivational quotes like, ‘Haters are all failures,’ and ‘Be the hero of your own story.’ Yuck, just saying that made me cringe.”

Known virologist and infectious disease expert, Dr. Ishanvi Banerjee, was available for comment regarding the outspoken podcast host’s influence.

“Isn’t he the guy who used to dare people to eat spiders and deer penises on television?” asked Banerjee. “I wish he would stop speaking into microphones. I can’t tell you how many times patients ask me to prescribe hydroxychloroquine, Ivermectin, or even DMT. I respectfully dismiss their ideas, and then they tend to take their shirts off and challenge me to a fight. I usually just order sodium chloride tablets and tell them that they have ‘brain-enhancing, psychotropic effects.’ That generally pacifies them.”

Following a lengthy administration of supplements and infusions, Patterson “agreed to disagree” about seeking knowledge outside of Rogan’s set of mantras, and ended the interview abruptly, as his sensory deprivation tank was done warming up.

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