The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Confused Groupie Sleeps with Dead Sound Guy

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Natalie Vinh

SEATTLE — Local amateur groupie Sarah Pepper is reportedly horrified after accidentally sleeping with the deceased body lying behind a local bar’s PA system.

“I thought he was a part of the band,” confessed a very upset Pepper. “He was hanging out next to all the sound equipment, at the very least I was certain he had some connection to them! I mean, we were flirting all night — anytime I started to talk he would just look kind of in my direction and not say anything. Did I miss some signals there or something? He acted like every guy in a band I’ve ever met in my life, how was I supposed to know he was dead?”

The body has since been identified as 37-year-old Ben Lockhard, who was in fact a sound engineer before his untimely passing.

“He would’ve loved this,” said Will Stem, a close friend of the late Lockhard. “To know he got railed by a hot chick who thought he was part of the band? Fuckin’ incredible. This is almost better than the time that new bartender accidentally brought him a free pizza because she thought he was the owner. It ended up being that he was just 20 years older than everyone else in there that night, but a pizza’s a pizza. What a fucking legend.”

Jim Danes, the owner of the bar Lockhard’s body was discovered in, appeared confused when asked about the situation.

“There’s a body in here? Where?” Danes asked. “No fuckin’ way. If there was a dead body in here, I’m sure I would’ve seen it. I run a tight ship around here. And that pile of pigeons in the upstairs corner doesn’t count, anyone could have missed those. But no, I haven’t seen Ben in a couple of days. Why do you ask?”

At press time, Pepper had since moved on to attempt to seduce a merch guy for a free T-shirt, who was revealed to be a scarecrow leftover from a recent Halloween party.

Heartbreaking: This Kid’s Hero Is His Dad

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Constantine Platanias

When 10-year-old Jackson Tolbert’s teacher told her students to write an essay about their “hero,” she expected most of them would choose athletes, action heroes, and Instagram influencers, all successful figures in their own right. That’s what made it so heartbreaking when Jackson wrote his essay about his dad.

Talk about lame! Apparently, this 11-year-old boy didn’t get the memo about smashing the patriarchy, especially when the patriarchy is a dude in his 40s with three roommates!

Mrs. Schwartz reacted to the choice with nothing short of disgust. “It’s horrible. This poor child could have chosen anyone, and he chooses his dad who he only sees on weekends? Seriously, a hero? He’s 5’6.”

“The worst part is that the other children have been mercilessly making fun of Jackson, and I can’t interfere because they are 100% legit right.”

Jackson’s teacher isn’t the only one broken up over the child’s tragic choice in hero. His mother, Julie Newman, was devastated upon reading her son’s essay.

“This can’t be right. His dad? For God’s sake, he’s a 45-year-old man who’s taking acoustic guitar lessons! Why couldn’t he have just chosen Batman or Goku or the fucking Marlboro Man? Anyone other than that mediocre little shit!”

Jackson, bless his little heart, couldn’t understand what makes his dad such a pathetic hero.

“We have so much fun whenever I stay over at his apartment,” said the naïve 5th grader, too young to understand just how much of a loser his father is. “He makes the best chicken nuggets, he can almost play an F chord and when he gets sleep from too much grown-up juice I get to watch whatever I want on TV! I can’t wait to hang out with him again!”

Thankfully, this sad story has a happy ending. When Jackson’s mom showed Jackson’s essay to the judge, he revoked his father’s visitation rights and even ordered him to perform 100 hours of community service. You go, judge!

Punk Makes Surprisingly Good Case for PT Cruiser as Counter-Culture

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Local punk Randy “Dirty Randy” Lopez made a surprisingly well-thought-out and articulated case for the Chrysler PT Cruiser as a counter-culture icon, according to sources.

“My friends give me a lot of shit for driving a PT,” Lopez said while applying a NOFX sticker to the back of the 2002 Cruiser. “But you know what? There’s nothing as counter-culture as rejecting group-think mentality, even from those who reject mainstream music and politics. To stand apart from others by realizing that loyalty or rejection of material shit is just another way dominant culture entraps us in it, that’s really doing your own thing.”

“Also, this baby gets great mileage,” Lopez said, slapping the roof of the vehicle. “And that’s a step towards carbon neutrality. Nihilism is not punk.”

His mother, Tracy Lopez, was familiar with her son’s stance on the 2001 Motor Trend “Car of the Year.”

“He’s always loved that Cruiser, ever since I upgraded to a Honda CR-V last year and gave it to him,” Lopez said. “And he’s been talking up the PT as being ‘the flagship vehicle of anticulture and a deep symbol of personal independence’ for months now, whatever that means. But I guess he’s getting pretty good at it, because he used to just angry cry whenever his little pals would call him ‘Mom Punk.’ Like that’s a bad thing.”

Chrysler executive Ronald Zellner appreciated the argument Lopez was making.

“We here at Chrysler are always open to a new market of consumers,” Zellner said. “While we’ve never considered ourselves all that punk, youth culture has always been a great resource to tap into, regardless of their reasoning or self-justifications. That said, our marketing team does plan on using his case in a national advertising campaign for the All-New P2 Cruiser without any acknowledgment or compensation to him. Which is actually very DIY of him or whatever to not sell out.”

As of press time, Lopez was loading the eight-CD changer in the Cruiser’s trunk and formulating a defense of Garth Brooks.

10 Episodes of The Simpsons That Predicted the Future

Posted on November 13, 2021December 9, 2025 by Jerrod Kingery

According to some fans, “The Simpsons” has predicted numerous future events, including the election of Donald Trump and a tiger attack of Siegfried and Roy. Here are 11 lesser known moments from classic episodes in which the jaundiced first family of Springfield predicted the future.

“Stark Raving Dad”

This heavily-hyped episode featured an uncredited Michael Jackson as a mentally unwell character spending a concerning amount of time alone with a young boy. And it accurately foretold how willing a whole generation would be to overlook the heinous crimes of artists just because he made a pretty funky zombie song one time.

“Last Exit to Springfield”

Dr. Joyce Brothers’ joke about bringing her own microphone to a “Smartline” taping is eerily similar to the origin story of Dr. Phil McGraw, who started his career as a sack of rancid ham brought to life by a magical lav mic, thus giving Oprah someone to bounce her bullshit off of.

“Marge vs. The Monorail”

This episode, written by a pre-”Late Night” Conan O’Brien, was cited by “Monorail Conductors of America Quarterly” as the sole reason every monorail conductor across the nation now wears a dashing cape.

“Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”

You were 10 years old when this episode first aired and you couldn’t stop talking about “The Simpsons.” Now, here you are, in your early ‘40s, and you used the word “cromulent” in a work email before dedicating a whole weekend making a “Steamed Hams” meme video. You’re a broken human being because of this show.

“Treehouse of Horror IV”

Disgraced former President Richard Nixon, who served on the “jury of the damned,” would die 6 months after this episode first aired. And, wouldn’t you know it, he received a jury summons his very first week in Hell.

“El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer”

Perhaps not “predicted” so much as “inspired,” but after this episode aired Johnny Cash got absolutely zooted on 5 alarm Texas chili peppers and then spent six months dressed as a fox and galavanting around a desert harassing bald men.

“A Milhouse Divided”

In 2012, scientists in the Netherlands published findings that the most accurate visual representation of dignity was indeed an amorphous blob with several jagged lines in its lower portion.

“Trilogy of Error”

In this episode and in real life, Linguo IS dead.

“Homer’s Enemy”

While this episode is best-known for the tragic character of Frank Grimes, it also seems to predict the rise of the above- and below-bowling alley housing trend that appealed to so many Millennials during Barack Obama’s first term as president.

“The Italian Bob”

This season 17 episode didn’t record because everyone’s DVR was full, so no one has actually seen it. This worldwide phenomenon would go on to predict how no one has watched any new Simpsons episode the past 16 years.

Jezebel Writer Can’t Wait to Ruin Succession For Everyone

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Jezebel writer Cara Olson has reportedly been ‘methodical’ and ‘giddy’ in her attempt to find something problematic about the critically acclaimed HBO series, “Succession,” sources close to the writer claimed.

“With critics and fans alike vocal in their love of the dark comedy, I naturally could not pass up an opportunity to find something to get this show canceled in every possible way,” the Oberlin graduate gleefully stated. “I am going to rip this show a new asshole, believe you me. I’ve been watching every episode obsessively looking for any minor slip-up. If that fails to net any results, I’ll just do some reading between the lines for microaggressions that aren’t actually there or something about representation. But I assure you, fans’ days of watching ‘Succession’ guilt-free are numbered.”

Editors at Jezebel fully endorsed Olson’s endeavor, saying it steers close to the site’s mission statement.

“We abandoned any pretext of actual journalism long ago in favor of putting out pointed takedowns of hot button issues in order to drive up the clicks, so this is just good business sense,” per a spokesperson for the site. “We’re certain that Vice and Buzzfeed are already working on something similar, so we need to stay ahead of the curve. It’s not about putting out thought-provoking or engaging content, it’s about playing devil’s advocate just for the sake of it. If there’s something out there that everyone seems to enjoy, we’ll do anything possible to put a stop to it.”

“Succession” producers offered only a tempered reaction after learning that the web-based news site took a slanted interest in the series.

“Well, critics are going to have their say on the show, but I’m not sure what this is exactly,” said series creator, Jesse Armstrong. “A huge part of the show’s appeal is our satirical take on dysfunctional families and American capitalism. I guess that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I don’t think we’ve done anything that’s crossed any sort of lines? Compared to some of the other shows HBO has done, I think we’re pretty milquetoast in terms of problematic content. Just because this writer doesn’t like the show doesn’t mean other people can’t like it. I mean, Jesus, I hope that’s the case.”

Olson could not be reached for further comment as she was now critiquing “Dune” for its refusal to address the connections between spice and big pharma.

Tucker Carlson Cites “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as Early Example of Cancel Culture

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Tony Morse

WASHINGTON — Fox News host Tucker Carlson used the 1981 Dead Kennedys song “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as one of the first examples of cancel culture and bias against traditional conservative views, multiple aging viewers confirmed.

“Hearing this grotesquely un-American song filled me with shock and horror I haven’t experienced since Barack Hussein Obama entered our White House,” the Republican standard-bearer said with disgust. “Viewers of this program know the left is obsessed with cancel culture, and this song uses expletives to disenfranchise people who like to start fights at shows. If they can cancel Nazis, they can cancel you, kidnap your children, and drink their blood. This song might appeal to AOC and her social justice warriors, but those of us who love this country have authentic punk bands like Brutal Attack on our playlists.”

And if the Democrats know what’s good for them, they should remember what made a band name like Dead Kennedys possible in the first place,” Carlson added before cutting to a commercial break for blood pressure medication.

Tucker’s fans applauded his defense of their right to say and do whatever they want without any consequences.

“Somebody has to talk about these Satan worshiping globalists who are trying to destroy this country’s age-old traditions of being white and Christian,” said local school board candidate Tyler Martin. “You won’t hear what Tucker says on other networks, because you-know-who owns them all. Last week at work my supervisor told me to take the Auschwitz Summer Camp pin off of my uniform because he doesn’t want the local press catching any more Sheriff Deputies wearing those, but I call bullshit. It’s because of that Dead Jello song. This band needs to be boycotted before it gets worse.”

Tucker’s analysis was not without critics.

“This legendary punk song is still triggering fragile little Nazi snowflakes forty years after its original release,” added local scene vet and Anthropologist Dr. Patrick Donaldson. “It’s always the same shit with these assholes. Bullies until someone speaks up, and then they cry about getting cancelled. But ideologically speaking, Nazis want to literally cancel everyone different from them. Telling Tucker to fuck off isn’t the same, and all of humanity would benefit if he did.”

At press time, Carlson happily showed proof of vaccination to enter the Fox studio before comparing vaccine passports to Gold Star of David patches.

Workaholic? This Minimum Wage Worker Has Two Jobs!

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Did you hear about Death Metal Dave? Yeah, he got ANOTHER job. Ever since he slammed on a lame-ass frontside boardslide on the flatbar at the skatepark and got that compound leg fracture, Dave’s become such a workaholic. He’s like the Glengarry Glen Ross of minimum wage food service, and I am here for it.

Dave’s dedication to his jobs is insane. Last weekend, he didn’t even have a birthday party because he worked a late shift at the bar, opened at the bagel shop, and then worked another double at the bar. Talk about putting your career first! I mean, take a day off, dude! Your birthday is way more important than the racks you’re stackin’.

News flash–you should have a healthy work/life balance! That said, I really hope Dave buys some new shoes before injecting all his money directly into his stock portfolio. Those Chuck Taylors are older than his iPhone 6, but Dave’s probably too focused on hobbling up the corporate ladder to pay attention to how fashionable his feet are.

Dave’s always doing the most on socials, too. You should check his Instagram story out if you ever need a little extra #mondaymotivation. He’s always talking about his career like, “If I don’t work, I can’t live,” and “I can’t afford to have a day off.” He usually records his videos in a break room or on the bus between jobs since he can’t drive with his busted leg yet. Dude’s a maniac.

If I go a week without some quality time at the beach with my homies or going on a fancy dinner date with my girl, I lose my mind. Not Dave. That dude is all work and then more work and sometimes physical therapy because I guess a compound fracture requires ongoing medical attention.

I DMed Dave about taking a trip to Cabo or the Keys if Mr. CEO can pry himself away from his two jobs for a week or two this spring. Mr. Overachiever left me on read for a couple days before saying he was thinking about delivering for Uber Eats as a third job when he can drive since his car isn’t new or reliable enough to carry passengers.

Honestly, I don’t see how constantly working, traveling between jobs, eating vending machine dinners, and sleeping three to four hours a night is healthy. Dave clearly is addicted to work, and I hope he gets the help he needs.

World’s Longest Traffic Jam Caused by Ska Band Attempting to Recreate “Abbey Road” Cover

Posted on November 13, 2021 by James Knapp

LONDON — American ska band Big Potatoes recently caused the worst traffic jam in UK history while attempting to incorporate every band member in a photograph paying homage to the classic Beatles album “Abbey Road,” confirmed infuriated officials from the Department of Transport.

“A lot of people probably won’t get this, but the Beatles have actually been a pretty big influence on us. So while we’re here on our first UK tour we figured why not do a silly little thing and get a nice picture. I know it’s kinda touristy but once we figure out how to fit our third tuba player in there it’s gonna look awesome,” said guitarist Kenny Rellit, apparently unaware of the utter bedlam being caused by the band. “Yeah, it’s taking a little longer than expected to get the shot, but no worries. We won’t quit until we make the shot happen, we checked Google Maps and there is a pretty big holdup on the roads around here for some reason so our gig is probably gonna start late anyway. It’s kinda nice how that just worked out.”

Motorist Chelsea Froomstell detailed her experience in the gridlocked traffic.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve been emptying out and reusing the same pee bottle for six days now,” explained a visibly frayed Froomstell. “I was just trying to pick up my kid from daycare, but now I can’t be sure I haven’t slipped into some purgatorial alternate dimension where I’m doomed to melt into my car seat. Is any of this real? And, if I don’t make it out, will the daycare consider adopting Skyler? I’m afraid he’s already forgotten about me.”

Longtime Abbey Road crossing guard, ninety-eight-year-old Alvin Oliver, explained the street’s history of traffic disruptions.

“I’ve been tending this zebra crossing since back when the fab four first snapped the album cover and in the process pissed off the entire passengry of that double-decker bus they held up,” said Oliver, over a cacophony of increasingly irate sounding car horns. “Now the chaps in this latest band, they got a few more trumpets and triangle players than I usually see, but I’ll keep these autos out of the walk until they get their photo. I just hope they figure it out soon. I don’t know how much longer I have left on this mortal coil.”

At press time, Big Potatoes members enlisted Oliver to actually take the photo, and had begun the arduous process of explaining to the nonagenarian how an iPhone works.

5 Forms of Existential Dread That Keep Me From Needing an Alarm Clock

Posted on November 12, 2021 by Robert John Scucci

I’ve always found it strange that people need a device to beep them awake. Partially because that sounds like such a harsh way to start your day, but mostly because they’re able to fall asleep in the first place. Lucky fucks. Here are 5 forms of existential dread that render my need for an alarm clock, and sleep itself, utterly pointless.

I am absolutely baffled as to how all of you psychopaths can actually sleep through the night undisturbed.

Waiting For My Direct Deposit – I don’t know about you, but I postdate all of my bills electronically. If I wake up at 2 am on Friday and that direct deposit isn’t fresh, then I know I have some damage control to do when the sun comes up. Next thing you know, you’re balls deep in late fees, and then you bounce a check for cereal at the grocery store.

Imagining All of the Ways My Family Could Die – Look, we’re all getting older and death is creeping up on all of us. Plus, I have two young kids of my own which means if it’s quiet for more than 2 hours in my house, it’s safe to assume that somebody’s either dead or kidnapped. So this is the point in the night where I sneak into my kid’s bedroom and gently slide my finger under their nose to make sure they’re breathing. Once I have completed this extremely healthy checking behavior, I can breathe a sigh of relief and log onto Facebook to see if any of my friends are dead.

Delayed Release on the Last Edible I Ate – I figured those gummies would have kicked in by dinner time, I’d peak somewhere in the later evening, and then I’d mellow out by my usual bedtime which is typically between 1 and 9 am. It’s not my fault that I’m bug-eyed and swerving my ass off while fused to my bed in a form of sleep paralysis wishing I was physically and emotionally able to get up for a glass of water.

Coming to Grips With My Own Aging and Mortality – I pinched a nerve in my neck three months ago while brushing my teeth and I couldn’t turn my head without extreme pain. Well now we’re in a new fiscal quarter and I still sleep with an ice pack. We are all cows marching to the slaughter.

Quietly Imagining That There’s Somebody Standing Outside My Bedroom Window Waiting For Me to Fall Asleep – Honestly, I don’t know why I do this. I should probably stop.

Friend Only Vegan When it’s Inconvenient for You

Posted on November 12, 2021 by Courtney Baka

BETHESDA, Md. — Local resident Emily Spencer suffered through yet another flavorless meal when friend Darrien Thomas announced that he could only go somewhere with vegan opinions, despite self-describing as a “flexitarian.”

“I picked him up and he says that he’s down to eat anywhere as long as they have ‘something he can eat,’” lamented Spencer. “But of course he didn’t know of any good vegan options in the area so we had to spend the next 45 minutes pulling up menus on our phones. Eventually, we find this crusty little place in what seemed to be an abandoned shoe shop. By that point, I was so hungry I could have gone for an old shoe, especially if it was leather.”

Things did not improve for Spencer once the meal arrived, however.

“I’m pushing around this sad little plate of lentils or something, and Darrien starts going on and on about this beautiful charcuterie board he ordered for his boyfriend’s birthday,” she recalled. “He kept describing these ‘naughty’ prosciutto and gruyere tarts that he keeps making and how sometimes you have to spoil yourself. I just about reached over the crumbly garbanzo meatballs and strangled him. If he’s gonna pretend to have dietary restrictions he can do it on his own time from now on.”

Lifestyle promotors who think major dietary changes might be for you support Thomas’s choice.

“Breaking veganism is one of the key tenets of being a vegan,” explains Instagram model and vegan lifestyle coach Miranda Colby. “Being a vegan is great for the environment, good for your body, and most importantly, makes you look better than those around you. But have you tried this stuff? It sucks. You have to eat real food from time to time. It’s just important that you not do that on your own time, so as to inconvenience others in social settings. You need to remind them that both you and your time are worth more than theirs, at every opportunity.”

When asked for his thoughts on last Thursday’s dinner Thomas replied that he “loves having dinner with Emily” as she’s “so flexible and willing to try anything. I really think I’m on my way to convincing her to go vegan.”