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5 Forms of Existential Dread That Keep Me From Needing an Alarm Clock

I’ve always found it strange that people need a device to beep them awake. Partially because that sounds like such a harsh way to start your day, but mostly because they’re able to fall asleep in the first place. Lucky fucks. Here are 5 forms of existential dread that render my need for an alarm clock, and sleep itself, utterly pointless.

I am absolutely baffled as to how all of you psychopaths can actually sleep through the night undisturbed.

Waiting For My Direct Deposit – I don’t know about you, but I postdate all of my bills electronically. If I wake up at 2 am on Friday and that direct deposit isn’t fresh, then I know I have some damage control to do when the sun comes up. Next thing you know, you’re balls deep in late fees, and then you bounce a check for cereal at the grocery store.

Imagining All of the Ways My Family Could Die – Look, we’re all getting older and death is creeping up on all of us. Plus, I have two young kids of my own which means if it’s quiet for more than 2 hours in my house, it’s safe to assume that somebody’s either dead or kidnapped. So this is the point in the night where I sneak into my kid’s bedroom and gently slide my finger under their nose to make sure they’re breathing. Once I have completed this extremely healthy checking behavior, I can breathe a sigh of relief and log onto Facebook to see if any of my friends are dead.

Delayed Release on the Last Edible I Ate – I figured those gummies would have kicked in by dinner time, I’d peak somewhere in the later evening, and then I’d mellow out by my usual bedtime which is typically between 1 and 9 am. It’s not my fault that I’m bug-eyed and swerving my ass off while fused to my bed in a form of sleep paralysis wishing I was physically and emotionally able to get up for a glass of water.

Coming to Grips With My Own Aging and Mortality – I pinched a nerve in my neck three months ago while brushing my teeth and I couldn’t turn my head without extreme pain. Well now we’re in a new fiscal quarter and I still sleep with an ice pack. We are all cows marching to the slaughter.

Quietly Imagining That There’s Somebody Standing Outside My Bedroom Window Waiting For Me to Fall Asleep – Honestly, I don’t know why I do this. I should probably stop.