MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Local Elvis impersonator James Britton reportedly passed away in a completely normal way, confirmed sources.
“You know he spent his whole life trying to live like Elvis, and it breaks my heart that he didn’t die in the bathroom after abusing prescription drugs. It’s what he would’ve wanted,” said widow Leslie Britton. “He worked his whole life and all he ever wanted, more than the jumpsuits and the recognition, was to die on the toilet just like The King himself. Instead, he passed away in bed next to me. Gross. Look I get ‘til death do us part,’ but his body was cold and he was the same shade as a pair of blue suede shoes. The worst part is, he always got paid in beer, so I can’t even afford to pretend to be Priscilla!”
James Britton’s fellow impersonators echoed the sentiments of his widow.
“I’ve been doing this for 57 years, and like anything else, you get out what you put into it, hopefully,” said James Britton’s’ closest friend and fellow Elvis impersonator Craig Sufton, while gyrating his hips at a tour bus filled with senior women arriving for a mid-day tour of the Graceland property. “I eat seven peanut butter, banana and bacon sandwiches every day because I truly believe if you’re gonna impersonate The King, you have to die like him too: by having a massive heart attack while taking a huge amphetamine shit on the crapper. Anything less and you’re a goddamn poser. Might as well be a lame ass Don Ho impersonator.”
Medical professionals aren’t as convinced regarding the endgame for Elvis impersonators as much as the jumpsuit-clad delusionists who were rallying outside Graceland this afternoon.
“Look, he died unspectacularly,” explained James Britton’s primary physician, Dr. Brian O’Neal. “He went to sleep and never woke back up. So boring. Other than his unhealthy obsession with Elvis, he was just another vanilla cover musician with a silver medal voice. It’s really too bad he spent all that time crooning songs in VFW halls. He wasn’t even a veteran like Elvis. What kind of stolen valor crap is that?”
At press time, it was revealed that James Britton didn’t even suddenly gain 70 pounds before he passed away.
