Press "Enter" to skip to content

Friend Only Vegan When it’s Inconvenient for You

BETHESDA, Md. — Local resident Emily Spencer suffered through yet another flavorless meal when friend Darrien Thomas announced that he could only go somewhere with vegan opinions, despite self-describing as a “flexitarian.”

“I picked him up and he says that he’s down to eat anywhere as long as they have ‘something he can eat,’” lamented Spencer. “But of course he didn’t know of any good vegan options in the area so we had to spend the next 45 minutes pulling up menus on our phones. Eventually, we find this crusty little place in what seemed to be an abandoned shoe shop. By that point, I was so hungry I could have gone for an old shoe, especially if it was leather.”

Things did not improve for Spencer once the meal arrived, however.

“I’m pushing around this sad little plate of lentils or something, and Darrien starts going on and on about this beautiful charcuterie board he ordered for his boyfriend’s birthday,” she recalled. “He kept describing these ‘naughty’ prosciutto and gruyere tarts that he keeps making and how sometimes you have to spoil yourself. I just about reached over the crumbly garbanzo meatballs and strangled him. If he’s gonna pretend to have dietary restrictions he can do it on his own time from now on.”

Lifestyle promotors who think major dietary changes might be for you support Thomas’s choice.

“Breaking veganism is one of the key tenets of being a vegan,” explains Instagram model and vegan lifestyle coach Miranda Colby. “Being a vegan is great for the environment, good for your body, and most importantly, makes you look better than those around you. But have you tried this stuff? It sucks. You have to eat real food from time to time. It’s just important that you not do that on your own time, so as to inconvenience others in social settings. You need to remind them that both you and your time are worth more than theirs, at every opportunity.”

When asked for his thoughts on last Thursday’s dinner Thomas replied that he “loves having dinner with Emily” as she’s “so flexible and willing to try anything. I really think I’m on my way to convincing her to go vegan.”