Genetics is a roll of the dice, especially during puberty. Some of us developed early. Some developed late. The only commonality was that we all developed in an incredibly awkward fashion. Well, except that one guy. Seemingly every single middle school had that one dude who could inexplicably grow the beard of a middle-aged HVAC repairman with three kids at home, despite being only like fuckin’ 12. Meanwhile, some of us can still barely muster a patchy monstrosity despite letting it grow out for nine months at a time.
We caught up with Mr. Mature Suave Manly Man himself: our 6th-grade beard guy.
The Hard Times: Please state your name and what brewery you work at.
Beard Guy: Uhh, my name is Brandon and I actually work in IT. Is that some kind of joke? I don’t work in a brewery.
Sure you don’t, Braxton. Why don’t you cut the shit already? You think you’re better than me?
Woah, where is this hostility coming from? I thought we were cool. I still hang with your brother from time to time. I thought this interview was supposed to be about beard maintenance.
Just because some of us are follicly-challenged doesn’t mean you get to walk all over us and bang our girlfriends, Brenden.
I’ve been married to my wife since we were both 23 so I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you ok? I’m a great listener if you have something you need to get off your chest.
That’s the problem, Bryan! I don’t have anything on my chest! No hair whatsoever. I’m a hairless, smooth freak! And you walk around with a big dumb smile on your face like life is great, just plowing every virgin who tosses themselves your way.
I’m starting to think you have a skewed view of how the world treats people with beards. You should see a therapist.
That’s easy for you to say! You can probably reach into your beard and pull out hundred-dollar bills to pay your therapist.
That doesn’t even make sense. Is that a stereotype of people with beards? That our facial hair produces money? Look, I’m just gonna head out.
Just let me touch it, Borat! I want to feel a beard. Come here. Don’t run! LET ME TOUCH IT.