SAN DIEGO — Family and friends of struggling social media influencer Kevin Watkins gathered this Tuesday to try and mourn his untimely passing, only to find the entire funeral was all about him, eye-rolling sources report.
“I’m not surprised that even in death this bastard is still making himself the center of attention,” scoffed Watkins’ disgruntled ex-wife Jennifer Kauffman alongside her two children, while gesturing to Kevin’s in memoriam selfie wall. “I thought we’d just attend the service and get it over with, but it’s been The Kevin Show all fucking day now. It’s actually been quite traumatizing for the kids—one day he’s MIA for Kevin Jr.’s school play and the next he’s everywhere. You can’t move a damn inch in here without hearing about him. Typical.”
Carl Murphy, Watkins’ childhood best friend, was shocked when he found out that Watkins’ will had left him in charge of the memorial.
“Kevin and I hadn’t spoken in years, but he left me a pretty long list of things he wanted done in his honor. I tried my hardest to meet his demands, but most things were just unachievable,” sighed Murphy. “I mean, I wasn’t really sure how to find someone to make a marble bust, and Tom DeLonge hasn’t answered any of my DMs. But I’ve still worked day and night for the past week to put this thing together, and I’m pretty satisfied with the results. And hey, I’m sure I’ll get to be there for the birth of my next child.”
Members of the psychology community report witnessing a new rise in narcissism in recent years.
“This new age of social media has led to a major surge in narcissistic behavior. Everybody wants to be famous and have millions of fans these days, and it’s really quite sad,” said psychoanalyst Dr. Harold Evans, before adding to follow him on TikTok and Twitter for more cyberpsychology facts. “Unfortunately, with more attention being paid to spotting narcissistic abuse, a record number of people including unsatisfied former partners, and people who think someone is ‘just kind of a dick,’ are brandishing everyone with the label, rendering true diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder ineffective.”
At press time, the American Psychiatric Association announced that it is working hard to bring attention to this media-driven phenomenon and reduce misdiagnoses through their DSM-5 diagnostic criteria Instagram quizzes.