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Punk Jehovah’s Witness Wants To Know If You Have A Minute To Talk Shit About Jesus

NEWCASTLE, Wyo. — Local punk and Jehovah’s Witness Mike “Pitstain” Dawson took it upon himself to counterbalance the Jehovah’s Witness’ message by going door to door talking shit about Jesus.

“I usually look forward to chatting with the nice Jehovah’s Witness’ when they drop by, but then this angry young man started in with his ‘mother f-er’ this, and ‘bastard child of a sky fart’ that,” said lifelong Newcastle resident Edith Young, who met Dawson while on his rounds at her retirement community. “Once he finished the cookies I made him and raided my liquor cabinet I didn’t mind that he got lost with his Jesus talk. Those guys are always annoying, but at least I’m not left with a trashed restroom when they finally go away.”

Dawson has been going door to door spreading his “word of shade” as he calls it, essentially engaging Newcastle residents in conversation about how weak the one true lord and savior really is.

“He made a lot of good points,” said Chuck Vivanco, a former Berkeley, California resident and recent Newcastle transplant. “When I moved to Wyoming I was admittedly lost, and his message of shit talking and shade-throwing gave me a sense of community and peace here. The love I’ve found in my heart for hating on that hippie nerd JC has gotten me through some bleak times, man.”

The Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses has felt differently however, claiming that even though Dawson’s drive is in the right place, his confrontational message is ultimately off-book.

“I won’t lie, I admire that young man’s spirit. His drive to reach wayward souls, and the miles that he’s already put in to bother them on their days off is impressive,” said Nancy Russell, a supportive but critical elder at Kingdom Hall in Newcastle. “But we’re not here to talk shit, we Jehovah’s Witnesses are here to spread shit. The shit of Jesus Christ. It’s up to everyone to find their own way, we merely serve as conduits in pushing them there by bothering them in the privacy of their own homes.”

Following Dawson’s lead, Kingdom Hall began a new youth-oriented outreach program which encourages the ministry to seek followers behind dumpsters and in school parking lots, where they drink handles and smoke weed while talking shit about Satan, to mixed results.