CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s newest iPhone operating system, iOS 16, includes a predictive text feature that allegedly recognizes when the user is being invited to a friend’s show and generates excuses for why the user will not be able to attend, according to sources within the company.
“Apple has always been about connection, but also innovation, and our newest iOS feature is a major disruption to everything we know about connecting to those we love most. I’m excited to announce: iCan’t,” said an elated Tim Cook, practically giddy as he presented the new feature at an Apple keynote. “How many times have you been guilted into a live performance of the art your friend has dedicated their life to, unable to come up with an excuse why you couldn’t attend quickly enough, when what you really wanted was to stay in and watch Apple TV’s first-rate programming? You’ll never have to lie to your friends that their set totally killed again. Why? Because you’ll be home, on your couch, where you belong, thanks to iCan’t.”
Alba Cassidy, one of the lead designers of the new feature, insists it offers more than pre-canned excuses that the recipient might recognize as lies.
“It was really important to me that we took advantage of the region’s most plentiful resource when developing iCan’t: narcissists,” Cassidy said. “We’ve enlisted the flakiest, most self-absorbed technical engineers and coders from all across Silicon Valley to generate these unique excuses in real-time. The lies they can generate are so soundproof, users in the beta stage sometimes began believing the excuses themselves.”
Joyce Haley, a tech analyst, explained how the feature functions from the user’s perspective.
“First, the feature goes into triage mode to assess the threat level of the event — is it across town? Is there a hefty cover fee? Is this a contact who only hits you up to see their shows? If any of those are spotted, a red flag icon appears, and you just tap on it to send iCan’t into gear,” she explained. “At first I was skeptical, but I tried it on with a friend’s set last week, and the excuse was so solid, she apologized to me for bringing it up when I have so much going on, and texted me the next day to see if I needed anything. I was just planning to take an edible and watch Squid Game, but if I’d gone to the show, I would have had to put pants on. iCan’t saved me.”
At press time, Cook was using iCan’t to get out of a summons to testify in Congress regarding the Judiciary Committee’s antitrust investigation.