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A Government Job and a BMW: We Caught up With the Biggest Punk From Your Suburban High School

Back in high school, Chris was the ultimate punk. When you walked those halls between bio and history class and saw his huge hairdo bobbing above that sea of heads, safety pins jangling off his sharpied up jean jacket, you knew this guy was hardcore. And so did he! Chris always made sure that normies and posers like you knew their place, and that place was nowhere near as punk as the position he enjoyed. Whether he was listening to Capitalist Casualties at full blast in the parking lot on his third period spare or telling the AV club that their anti-war video was far too corporate, Chris was the authority on being ANTI-authority?

We visited Chris, now 39, at his family cottage to see what the legendary punk is up to these days.

The Hard Times: Okay, first off we gotta ask, what happened to your rad hair, man? That cut was rockin!
Chris: The guys in my college dorm made fun of it, so I got a fade.

For real? Don, Joel, and Marcie always thought it was so cool.
None of them went to my college.

So what are you up to these days?
Well, after college my dad got me a spot in a career placement program and I started working for Immigration. So that takes up most of my time. Some of them are really sneaky, you have to do a lot of digging to root them out.

What about your personal life? I see a pair of water wings over there by the jet skis. You a family man now?
Yeah, after fifteen years of trying to convince Marcie to change her views on marriage, I realized I was the last guy in my fantasy hockey pool without a wife. So we broke up and I found Kate online two years ago. Got a third kid on the way now which is good because my mom’s not disappointed in me anymore.

Wow, true love can come to us in strange ways, huh?
Uh, sure.

So let’s talk punk. In this increasingly polarized political world, punk culture is experiencing a revival. As a senior punk, are you excited to see so many young people taking radical action against capitalist imperialism, making anarchist collectives mainstream, and creating viable alternatives to submitting to the white supremacist patriarchy?
Yeah I don’t know about any of that. Do you want to see my electric guitar? It still has all the original strings.

Hell yeah!

Okay in retrospect there were a few things here and there that we maybe should have called Chris out on or at least have held his feet to the fire about, but what can we say? We were just super stoked that Chris was hanging out with us. I mean, Chris for God’s sake! What a blast. Anyway, check back next week when we interview your high school’s biggest goth girl about her church’s bake sale.