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Woman With No Plans or Responsibilities Feels “Thrown” by Daylight Saving Time

BELOIT, Wisc. — Local woman Angie Tufts expressed that she feels “all out of wack” because of a recent Daylight Saving Time change, despite having no actual plans or responsibilities of any note.

“This ‘fall back’ bullshit always throws me for a loop,” said Tufts while sipping her third macchiato of the day in an effort to wake up. “When I woke up at my mom’s house I could just feel something was different. Then while all my friends were at their dumb jobs, I just couldn’t get it together to even run to Starbucks. Ugh. I don’t even know how I’ll make it to the movies on time today. And just when I started finally adjusting to the last time change. I swear to God I’m gonna move to Arizona.”

Charlotte Tagawa, a longtime friend of Tufts’, says this was to be expected.

“I’ve been her friend since high school,” said Tagawa. “And twice a year, without fail, she acts like she woke up in a parallel universe where everything is confusing but the only actual difference is it’s an hour earlier. Or later. Or really, not at all. It’s all bullshit made up for farmers. But also, Angie hasn’t had her life together in that entire time. So I don’t know why not having to set her alarm to wake up in the morning an hour back is a big change.”

Personal life coach Wyndham Smith was more critical of Tufts.

“All my potential clients have some issue that plagues their life,” said Smith. “But this one is really more pathetic than normal. Like, she doesn’t even have a cat that she has to feed? Or like, a weird hobby that’s taking up too much of her time? This lady really needs to get her act together, even if just to give her life enough structure that a minor time change doesn’t make her apparently sleep for 14 hours straight.”

As of press time, Tufts was blaming her inability to find her mother’s credit card on Mercury having been in retrograde last month.