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Kids These Days Will Never Feel the Intense Ridicule That Came From Expressing the Slightest Interest in Anything

You youngins today have all kinds of interests and you don’t care who knows it. Not like back in the old days of the ’90s. Things were a lot tougher back then. If you showed the slightest interest in anything like sports, school, family, or even got a little too excited about not giving a fuck, someone would give you that, “Looks like somebody cares” glare, forcing you to drop your eyes, shrug, and mumble “whatever.” We came up tough.

When Kurt Cobain, Tupac, and Eminem were like, “Fuck this shit,” you may not have known what “this shit” was, but damn it, fuck that shit! If they didn’t give a fuck about MTV interviews, how could I give a fuck about soccer practice? Not like kids today who openly flaunt the things they’re into. Like music. These zoomers can’t listen to a single song without broadcasting it on social media. Not like my generation. Hell, back then I wouldn’t even admit that I liked music as a form of sound unless we shared blood or culpability in an unsolved crime.

Kids these days seem to not only enjoy, but boast about the things they’re into. Magically, they can openly talk about the things they love without fear of alienation! In fact, this seems to somehow form even tighter bonds with other like-minded individuals. Even more shocking, they call it “nerding out” yet they don’t seem to spend nearly enough time inside of lockers or toilet bowls for that label to apply.

I worry about this generation. If they think everything they do is cool, the real world will crush them. Sure, it’s hard to hear that everything you care about is lame, but you’ll learn that a carefully manufactured list of what you’re allowed to not hate is way more rewarding than just enjoying what you actually love. And honestly, if you do love it so much, why don’t you just fucking marry it, loser.