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Three Fun Twists on Pumpkin Pie That Aren’t Nearly as Good as the First Drag of Your Morning Cigarette

Yum alert! Fall has arrived, and you know what that means: warm, cozy treats. Pumpkin pie is a classic – sweet, creamy, and the perfect blend of autumnal aroma – but it’s time for an update. Check out our three fun twists on the beloved dessert below, even though they aren’t anywhere near as good as the first divine drag of your morning cigarette.

Oh god, that’s the best, right? The sweet tobacco smell when you open the pack, the anticipatory dopamine you feel when you spark the lighter, and then that pull hits you right in the nerves… heaven. Anyway let’s talk pie shit I guess.

Put it in a mug!
You love the pie, but don’t love the mess. We get it! This all-in-one pumpkin pie mug is all the comfort of the winter favorite without any of the cleanup. Speaking of comfort: god it’s comforting to take that first, hard nicotine inhale in the morning air, yeah? Fuck, I wish this mug slop was even a third as good as that shit.

Brûlée it!

Time to firm up your pie with a delicious, smoky crust. Take this American classic and give it a French twist – and speaking of lighting things on fire and also the French, it’s worth mentioning that this twist can’t even stand in the same room as your inaugural daily life-stick suck. I’d take the chance to even look at an AM puff sword over eating 12 of these pies any day. God I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.

Shots, anyone?

Now we’re talking! Add a shot of bourbon to the batter to give it a distinctive, nuanced flavor profile – or say fuck it and just take the shot of bourbon straight, with a two cigarette chaser at 9:45am. Who needs to ingest liquor-flavored spice goo when you can inhale some of God’s arm hair wrapped in angel money? You could literally bring my grandmother back to life in the form of this pie and it would be a piece of shit next to that sweet, sweet lung dung. Fuuuuck, shit. God it’s so good. Fuck me.

So, there you have it: three fun twists on the classic pumpkin pie that will have your holiday dinner guests saying “wow, you’re so creative!” and “I’ve never seen THAT before” and of course “I’m going to sleep so I can wake up and smoke, fuck this pie and fuck you”.