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Rittenhouse Judge Calls Recess to Sheepishly Ask for an Autograph

KENOSHA, Wisc. — Judge Bruce Schroeder called for a recess after a long day of court proceedings in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial to sheepishly request an autograph from the shooter, according to multiple eyewitnesses.

“It’s so hard sitting there all day pretending like I’m not a huge fan of his work,” Schroeder said. “They say never meet your heroes, but he was so warm and charming, and he signed my assault rifle ‘To Bruce, Love Kyle.’ I almost couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the testimony all day because I was fixated on his charisma.”

Several people present in the courthouse noticed the honorable Judge blushing and fixing his hair in the reflection of his nameplate.

“When [Rittenhouse] was swearing in on the stand, I swear I saw them wink at each other, like they were best buddies,” said court reporter for Kenosha News Dana Malbach. “At one point I’m almost certain I saw Schroeder write something on a piece of paper, fold it up like one of those paper footballs we used to make in middle school, then hand it to the bailiff next to him until it went around the room and reached Rittenhouse. Judge Schroeder tried pretending he was distracted by staring at his phone, but I could see him looking over his shoulder to see what Kyle’s reaction was.”

The defendant, Kyle Rittenhouse, was happy to make time for the fan.

“If my senseless killing can make a positive difference in just one person’s life, then it will all have been worth it,” Rittenhouse said. “A lot of people are trying to paint me as a bad person with their ‘hard evidence’ and ‘powerful emotional testimony,’ but I’m glad Judge Schroeder knows I’m a good guy who just did what any white psychopath would have. While the jury is currently sequestered to prevent any media influence, Bruce and I are going out to dinner later to talk about my next project when, I mean, if, he lets me go.”

At press time, Judge Schroeder defended his credibility and impartiality to the court while wearing his new ‘SAVE KYLE’ robe.