Press "Enter" to skip to content

Bassist Heartbroken to Miss Son’s First “Hysteria” Riff While at Work

SAN DIEGO — Local breadwinner and career bassist Clarissa Khatri announced a leave of absence from his day job after being forced to work through his three-year-old son’s first Muse cover, discovering the footage on this past Tuesday.

“Every bassist’s goal is to set their children up with more pedals than they had growing up,” Khatri explained. “I’ve always dreamed of being present for baby Les’ first ‘Hysteria’ by Muse ever since my own band forced me to stop playing it between songs. As a working mom, it’s hard enough to put in full-time hours while raising a family, especially after I wasted all two weeks of maternity leave on that awful Billy Sheehan Cruise. It’s a sad truth that the modern working class just can’t sustain a healthy work-life balance and still be able to fit in three hours of Fat Mike play-through videos a day.”

Squire Owens, Khatri’s stay-at-home partner was able to snag live cellphone footage and turned in a glowing review of the event.

“Oh man, I LOVED that he pulled that out for the opener. A great way to start a secret show during what was supposed to be nap time. The timing was perfect. Everybody had been told to remain quiet and I was attempting to get some work done,” said Owens. “That is the exact environment in which a bass player is supposed to come alive and live in the pocket. It was also rad to hear it during the main set and also as the encore. Maybe eventually he’ll learn past the intro riff, but not if he’s anything like his mother.”

Develop-metal biologist Jeffry Higgins, explains the strong genetic component of riffage that plays a large role in early childhood.

“Generally speaking, songs that are considered to be ‘rockin’’ or ‘real music’ by aging, and usually balding radio DJs, have a greater likelihood of being forcibly drilled into each new generation,” said Dr. Higgins. “In fact, there are a myriad of early intervention tab books parents can buy if they are worried their child isn’t progressing past at least an AC/DC level of bass playing by 24 months.”

When approached for comment, Family Fun-Time Tabletop Games and Togetherness Building upheld that company policy clearly dissuades procreation of any sort to avoid these types of productivity lapses.