You know how people joke about defeating a small business in a lawsuit when something goes wrong so badly that they’ll end up owning it? Yeah, I actually did that, and now I’ve got this fucking soup restaurant I have no idea what to do with.
It started innocently enough, I slipped on some potato bisque someone spilled next to the urinal and busted my tailbone. Since I just lost my job at the CBD shop, I sued and next thing I know, I own a place called Soup 2 Nutz.
First I thought it was great, that I’d just munch on soup all week long, but then these assholes that work there started asking for their paychecks. I told one guy to take it outta the register, but then the manager Rick said there’s a payroll company I gotta call. Fuck me.
Turns out there are a million people to call. There’s a company that changes out our aprons and floor mats every week. There’s a company that switches out our knives twice a month. We use 8 different food vendors for fucks sake! You would think one of these assholes would just put two and two together and carry everything you need to make every type of fucking soup but no! I get my leeks from one asshole, my herbs and marrow oil from another asshole and then there’s six more assholes! And they all want money!
Oh yeah, then the cook quit and no one was there to fill in, so Rick called me at like 10am. So I hauled my ass down there to start making soup, which is apparently a lot more complex than the Dinty Moore I’ve been eating since high school. You gotta chop up herbs and chicken and shit, then cook it for-fucking-ever. Then not every asshole that comes in wants chicken soup, they want chowder, gazpacho and other shit. Goddamn.
The one cool part has been coming up with new soups, though. The clientele at Soup 2 Nutz will try any of this shit once, especially if I say it’s artisanal. The other day I mixed M&Ms with a beef stock and some sliced celery we had lying around and called it “The Ranch Hand.” These hipster fucks ate the shit out of it, and I know it tasted like ass since there was still some soap left in the pot.
Anyway, I’ve gotta go buy some tomatoes and a new ladle. Or figure out how to burn this place down for the insurance money.