WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden dozed off “for a good thirty or forty seconds” at a lectern while delivering an apology for his recent sleeping spell at a United Nations climate summit, according to sources.
“Again, I want to express my deepest apologies. I take climate change as seriously as the next guy,” the President yawned, blinking himself awake while being nudged by two aides on either side of him. “It’s just that when we talk about global warming I can’t help but think of nice, warm things, like syrupy pancakes or my grammy’s quilt. And then my eyes get heavy…and it’s like I’m submerged in a big old bowl of warm milk toast…and I just sort of start to drift.”
Additional White House staff were then seen approaching the lectern with a spray bottle full of liquid, as is customary during long speeches delivered by the President.
“He gave the President a couple of squirts on his face, which seemed to sort of perk him up for a few minutes,” recalled reporter present for the address, David Adams. “I saw someone coming up around the podium with smelling salts but he was sort of shuffled away before they got a chance to reach him.”
White House spokesperson Jen Psaki affirmed that the incident apologing for a previous incident was due to jet lag, among other things.
“Being the head of the executive office is a very taxing role,” Psaki said. “Behind the scenes we know that President Biden is exhausted not because of laziness or poor health, but because of his constant commitment to trying to make up for being so very elderly. It takes more energy to pull oneself out of a recliner than people might think, especially after a big meal or right around that time of the afternoon when the body just wants to catch a few winks.”
At press time, Biden was apparently struggling to keep his eyes open at a brainstorming session for new, awake-sounding nicknames to push in the media.