BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common practice of putting bathroom paper towel rolls on a ledge near the empty dispenser, according to recent guidance.
“These venues are understaffed, people are busy, and those big plastic bubbles are really hard to open, especially when the key was lost over a decade ago in most cases. We’re advising venues to get the hand-drying implements ‘in the vicinity.’ Because even in ideal conditions, nobody is getting out of the bathroom unscathed,” Fauci explained. “Just remember to let your hands air dry for about 30 seconds then grab the dryest looking corner of the roll that you can, and pull down with a deliberate and swift motion to ensure a clean tear and not a floor-unravel situation.”
“For extra protection make sure to grab some of those tiny square bar napkins. You’re going to want to bring a bunch. The first three will dissolve on first contact with water,” Fauci added.
Some patrons of the nearby Musk Ox Music Hall are struggling with such relaxed sanitary measures.
“I had just finished washing my hands with the watered-down remnants of a Softsoap for the full duration of singing my ABCs which isn’t easy when a powerviolence band is playing,” said Hailie Thorsen with wet handprints on the front of her shirt. “I waved my hand at a sensor, and I just had that sinking feeling, and then, nothing. I was able to find a paper towel roll perched on a busted radiator in the corner, but after I was done I felt like I needed to wash my hands again.”
Venue employees tasked with refilling paper towel dispensers say that properly replacing the towels is an unrealistic ask.
“Why don’t these babies wipe their hands with their silly masks?” said Peyton Wilkie, the de facto custodian of a DIY venue in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “I was hired because I’m the only guy who isn’t afraid to empty the carcasses out of rat traps, not to provide paper for the delicate hands of our ‘prized patrons’ who piss on every toilet paper roll we have. I hose down those bathrooms once a month, they don’t pay me enough to care about what goes on in there.”
As always, official CDC guidance still recommends gathering and urinating outdoors.