Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Shocking Elder Abuse: Teens at the Mall Are Being Mean About My Green Day Shirt

Posted on July 24, 2021 by Ted Pillow

Elder abuse is a serious, often unrecognized crisis affecting some of our most vulnerable citizens. Me, in particular. Don’t believe me? Well, just head on down to the mall and get a load of these Gen Zers absolutely roasting my “Nimrod” t-shirt.

It started at the food court while I was enjoying my prune bubble tea, when I realized the only open table was right next to a group of rowdy 15-year-olds. Summoning all my courage, I took the open seat and started to eat. Unfortunately, the teens didn’t take long to start whispering and laughing. Pretending to look at my phone but secretly eavesdropping, all I could make out was something about “Fall Out Boy’s dad” before they absolutely lost their shit laughing at me.

I’m not going to lie; that stung. It was extremely dismissive of Green Day’s vital contribution to pop-punk. I was planning to ignore it until one of them got up and walked over to me, asking me if he could “see my John Kerry tattoos” and saying he wanted to interview me for a history project about Woodstock 1999.

This elder abuse cannot stand. I made a beeline for the mall bathroom, where I’m currently cowering in a handicap stall. I know those damn Gen Zers are still waiting for me outside. They’ve popped their heads in a few times trying to lure me out by loudly claiming that “Basket Case” is Avril Lavigne’s best song, but with age comes wisdom so I didn’t take the bait.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t have a lot of respect for my elders growing up. In fact, I vividly remember being 15 and ripping pretty hard on older guys I saw wearing Guns N’ Roses shirts. Whatever, those washed-up posers had it coming. They’re nothing like me: an aging but still rebellious punk who drove his Honda Fit to the mall to pick up some comfortable socks.

So, if you’d like to address elder abuse firsthand, get your ass to the mall and help me escape from these Gen Z jerks before they follow me to my car and see my Weezer bumper sticker.

Opening Band Wishes They Were Done Too

Posted on July 24, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Members of fledgling hardcore band Horse Hockey Massacre conceded the fact their set should’ve ended, like, 12 minutes ago and are also hoping it ends soon, multiple annoyed witnesses that also feel kind of bad confirmed.

“We should have quit while we were ahead and got off the stage four songs ago. Nobody here knows or cares about us except my mom and our girlfriends. We aren’t even getting pity claps anymore, people are just silently staring at us between songs,” Drummer Gabbi Granger said while singer Adam Hader mumbled the band still had “a couple songs left” into the mic. “At this point, we don’t even know how to quit. We practiced literally everything but letting the next band play. We could probably just turn off the amps and leave the stage, but that feels physically impossible. The longer we play, the harder it’s becoming to stop.”

Anxious crowd member Everett Wilson was kind enough to stand more than five feet away from the bar for the first eight songs, but agrees the unknown band is holding up the line for everyone.

“Supporting the scene sometimes means enduring it, but shouldn’t they be enjoying themselves a little? When I give my dickhead uncle the aux cord, at least he authentically loves listening to Dokken. I don’t think they like hearing themselves, either,” Wilson said while inching toward the exit. “Why are they still playing? Everyone either went back outside or is aggressively refreshing Instagram in the corner. I really hope this set ends soon, because I have to work in the morning and I philosophically can’t mosh until the third band.”

Performing arts historian Lloyd Cash confirmed the opening act is traditionally the least talented, most available artist booked simply to give fans and performers extra travel, drinking, and social time.

“The concept of a warm-up act began centuries ago when good jesters and magicians realized they seemed even better if they followed a less-accomplished performer,” Cash said while frowning at Horse Hockey Massacre’s Twitch stream. “Openers used to be executed if they displeased the crowd excessively. That seems barbaric, but it might be necessary in this case. I would consider it a mercy killing.”

At press time, Horse Hockey Massacre were still playing even though everyone in the crowd gave up and went home.

What Do You Mean All My Self-Care Is Self-Harm?

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

What the hell are you talking about?! My self-care cannot be self-harm. That would be impossible. Nobody cares more about me than me. Look, you can keep your chakra-covered memes with those long lists of “self care” chores. Work out? Meal Prep? Meditate? Ha! After a 12-hour shift, you better believe I’m pouring a thick mitt of bourbon, housing a sleeve of Double Stuf, and smoking cigarettes until I pass out due to what I assume is self-actualization.

People say meditation is a healthier way to relax, but that shit scares the hell out of me. My own head is way worse for me than TikTok. My head is a noisy mess of work, bills, failure, guilt, and this one car accident where the guy died right in front of me. My internal monologue is basically a grindcore album. To me, the scariest part of a Cannibal Corpse album is the silence between the songs.

My court-ordered shrink can call it “escapism” or “patterns of self destruction” all she wants, but it’s not like this stuff builds up until it explodes the way my rage issues do. That’s a totally different thing.

My life just runs smoother when I do things my way. Coffee to get me going in the morning; booze to chill me out at night. Those “drugs” are legal because they work for the American day-to-day, baby! If I wanted to work all day, I’d get a second job like some workaholic with a problem. I need my self-care. That’s why this weekend I’m vaping some tasty Purple Monkey Balls and re-binging “Breaking Bad.”

Suicidal Thoughts Deterred With Single Cup of Coffee

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Heather Cook

NEW YORK — Local depressive Naomi Roman was teetering on the brink of mental collapse Thursday morning until her suicidal thoughts were deterred after she drank one cup of Blue Bottle coffee, extremely concerned sources confirmed.

“I woke up this morning and immediately started obsessing over how the world is such a dumpster fire, it makes me want to walk straight into the ocean and never come out,” said Roman while double fisting cold brew. “But about halfway through my first cup of coffee, those intrusive thoughts started to subside. Sometimes I think, do I really want to light myself on fire, or have I just not slept in four days and desperately need caffeine? It’s usually both of those things equally, but the coffee bit really helps me at least pull it together enough to check my email.”

Roman’s roommate, Kalith Dhar, shared her growing concerns about Roman’s worrisome habits.

“Every damn morning Naomi stumbles into the kitchen moaning about the agonies of life that make her wish she had a life-threatening disease or some shit,” said Dhar. “But after a few sips from the French press, she just starts looking at her phone and sends me Depop links to shit and asks me if I think it would be worth the shipping. She could really benefit from professional help, but in this country the serotonin-lifting power of caffeine is the best she can do, so I can’t really blame her.”

According to Dr. Zara Ainsley, a Professor of Clinical Psychology at Brown University, this kind of behavior is not uncommon amongst exhausted millennials.

“Millennials are called the burn-out generation, so it’s no wonder some of them think about pulling the plug on themselves until they’ve had their morning coffee or gotten a like notification on their phones,” said Ainsley. “My research team has found similar patterns in Gen-Z teenagers who think they hate their lives until they take one Juul hit and remember everything is fine. The same applies to Gen-Xers struggling with social anxiety until they have a single CBD gummy and placebo themselves into being the life of the party. Everyone has their thing to help them forget that we’re all fucked.”

When asked what her plans are for improving her mental health, Roman replied that “trying the coffee enema method” might be the next best step.

Opinion: When New Jack Swing Comes Back, You’ll All Be Sorry You Made Fun of My Overalls

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

That’s right, laugh. Laugh it up, all of you. Because things are gonna change, homeslices! And when New Jack Swing comes back around, you’ll all be sorry you made fun of my mad-fly, multi-colored overalls!

You know, it wasn’t always like this. There was a time when me and all my muscular, shirtless boys in overalls were riding high. We were kings. The sweet melodies and big beats of Teddy Riley carried us up to Heaven. The raw sensuality of Keith Sweat brought us back to Earth, and there we were, clad in bitchin’ overalls, often with matching denim baseball caps that appeared to have been splattered with paint, Jackson Pollock-style. That was our prerogative.

Now, people mock me for keeping the faith, continuing to wear my overalls everywhere. They’re buggin’ out when I wear them to work at my job as a CPA specializing in chill real estate. They say “as if” when I wear them to my godson’s first communion. Even the priest, that wack-ass Father Dominic, flipped his lid. And let me tell you, Diane really lit into me when I insisted on wearing them to see our marriage counselor.

You can say that helped contribute to my marriage ending, but these phat overalls don’t pay no alimony, check it.

Back in the day, sometimes I would mix it up with a giant neon double-breasted suit with a waist much lower than my actual waist. Sometimes it would be a buttoned-up dress shirt with a crazy, wild pattern of multi-colored geometric patterns. But the overalls were always home. They make me whole. They give me hope.

They’re all that, and a bag of chips.

And now you, you mock me. You’ve said I was stuck in the past, but history is cyclical and all things come back around. New Jack Swing will dominate the airwaves once more, and you’ll all look like idiots in your clothes without front pouches and in regular, non-blinding colors. You’ll see. You’ll all see. And you’ll be sorry that you can’t hang with my dope posse that always believed!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have several surfaces I need to sensually grind against.

Descendents Visit Old Practice Space at 9th & Walnut Which is Now a Jamba Juice

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Goodrich Gevaart

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Members of legendary punk band Descendents returned to the site of their original practice space, 9th and Walnut, to find the building was demolished and replaced by a Jamba Juice, multiple sources confirmed.

“It’s a shame, man. Me, Frank and Tony wrote some amazing songs in that garage, including some no one will ever hear like ‘Redondo Smells Like Wet Farts’ or ‘I Got Diarrhea in Hermosa,’” said founding drummer Bill Stevenson. “Now it’s just a corporate smoothie place. I tried to tell one of the kids in there that my band used to play here, and she seemed to get a little freaked out and went and got her manager. I ended up getting a free Razzmatazz, but I would have preferred a coffee.”

The band visited the location with a camera crew and old friend and Epitaph label founder Brett Gurewitz.

“We had planned on shooting a music video for ‘Baby Doncha Know,’ but apparently Jamba Juice has some sort of corporate restrictions with filming on their property. We can’t afford a lawsuit so we snapped a couple of photos by the sidewalk,” said Gurewitz. “We had to get out of there a little early because Milo was getting pretty worked up over the fact that Jamba Juice claims to be healthy. He took one look at the nutritional info on their website and started going off about what sugar does to a person on a molecular level.”

Descendents are not the only band with a historical punk location that has been turned into a corporate retail space.

“It’s always happening,” said photographer Mikael Shannanoff whose recent photo book “Rebellion to Retail: Iconic Punk Locales Turned Corporate Outposts” catalogued these kinds of changes. “The alley where the Ramones stood on the cover of their first LP? That’s a Soul Cycle now. The alley where The Dead Boys stood for ‘Young, Loud and Snotty’? Also a Soul Cycle. Truthfully, most of New York is now a Soul Cycle.”

At press time, Descendents and Gurewitz were heading off to visit the dorm where Milo stayed at UC San Diego which is now a college bar called Drink, Drink, Puke, Repeat.

Pick up the new Descendents album “9th and Walnut” TODAY. Click here.

5 “Pulp Fiction” Easter Eggs That Will Make You Say “Wow, This Blind Date Is Not Going Well!”

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

“Pulp Fiction” was Quentin Tarantino’s commercial breakthrough, and one of the defining films of the 1990s. While everyone knows iconic scenes like Uma Thurman and John Travolta’s dance at Jack Rabbit Slim’s, you’d have to be a real cinephile to know these easter eggs, and if you don’t, it’s safe to say that this blind date is not going well!

Easter Egg #1: Big Kahuna Burgers – This “tasty burger” chain pops up in multiple Tarantino films, much like his fondness for Red Apple cigarettes and the Big Jerry Cab Co! Based on how delicious those burgers looked in the scene where Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson threatened Frank Whaley, it’s probably a much better place than this off-brand Dairy Queen that I was fool enough to bring a date to, even though she told me she was a vegetarian! God, I’m an idiot.

Easter Egg #2: Ezekiel 25:17 – Biblical scholars could tell you that Samuel L. Jackson’s iconic scripture quote is not accurate to the text! It’s a lot like how I panicked over the phone and told my date I was 28, not 38 like I actually am. She must know. Why am I making a fool of myself this way? She looks so bored.

Easter Egg #3: The $5 Shake – Steve Buscemi’s waiter character asks Uma Thurman if she wants a vanilla shake or chocolate by referring to two comedic duos from racially segregated times, and now you’ve really done it. Never bring up racial issues on a first date. Now you wish she looked bored, instead of staring at you like the dumb piece of trash you are. God, I hate myself.

Easter Egg #4: Fruit Brute – Always the pop culture collector, Tarantino snuck a box of defunct novelty breakfast cereal into Eric Stoltz’s scenes! Oh God, did I really just ask her what she likes for breakfast? It sounds like a cheesy pickup line! Now she thinks I’m some kind of slimeball who expects to get laid after buying a girl some soggy fries!

Easter Egg #5: Feet – Okay, there’s nothing wrong with people having a thing for feet and no one should be kink-shamed for a harmless little thing like that. But she’s definitely noticed how often I’ve accidentally stared at her sandals, her gorgeous red-painted toenails and yep, she’s definitely holding a can of mace under the table.

Oh, well. Maybe she’ll give me a second chance if I hint at how many “Django Unchained” stories I know.

Cool New Factory Opens in Renovated Nightclub

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Eli Johnson

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — The local manufacturing scene is buzzing after an exclusive new factory opened in a redeveloped nightclub on the edges of the city’s Dance District, blue-collar sources reported.

“This is going to be the hottest factory in town,” said owner Marco Bresci. “I mean, really hot. We’re going to be welding into the early hours of the morning, baby. We already have people lined up down the block waiting to get in to apply for a job. This place is going to offer competitive rates, depending on experience, a sick PTO package, and double time pay on Sundays. If you don’t have a passion for manual labor, then go try finding an office job downtown.”

The chic manufacturing plant, dubbed Schaumburg Injection Molding, is retrofitting the former Kism3t nightclub and breathing new life into the neighborhood, though not everybody is happy about the glitzy new facility.

“My father did the hustle at that place for years, and his father before him would do the Lindy Hop until the sun came up,” said Brandon Carmichael. “My old man used to come home late, sweaty, exhausted, and strung out on so many club drugs that my mother would have to stuff a wallet in his mouth so he didn’t swallow his tongue. But by God if he didn’t sell enough blow to put me and my siblings through college. Knowing some industrialist gutted it to make room for a bunch of big shot injection molders makes me sick.”

Manufacturing has found fertile ground in America’s abandoned venues, which offer large spaces and high ceilings well-suited for industrial use, a trend that is advancing rapidly due to COVID-19 and foreign competition.

“We’re competing on a global scale and losing,” said an unemployed promoter who identified himself as Ricky Fabulous. “Clubs in Asia can offer covers that are half of what we charge here, and the Europeans have always been more protectionist around their venues. People would rather jet over to Berlin or Macau than source domestic dance nights. I get that folks are excited for these new living-wage jobs that don’t require a college degree, but let’s not forget about all the DJs that are now out of work.”

Following news of the newly opened factory, Bruce Springsteen is reportedly writing a haunting ballad about a small Midwestern town that loses its only club, rumored to be inspired by the Kism3t closing.

We Tried Microdosing LSD but It Turns Out 1/4 Cup Is Actually Quite a Lot

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Dan Rice

It has long been rumored that microdosing is the secret behind the success of billionaires like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. After Bezos successfully launched himself into space without blowing up (which would have been fucking dope!) I decided to try microdosing first hand to see if it gave me a creative edge and, well, I maybe should have done more research.

I’ve been straight edge most of my life. I’m not a hippie, how was I supposed to know that ¼ cup of acid was a lot? People need to drink like five beers to get drunk, so I figured a dose of LSD was like five bottles. I thought I was playing it safe but it turns out I consumed somewhere between 600 and 1,200 big-boy doses of “the good shit” and half a grapefruit for breakfast.

All I knew about tripping was what you see on TV, so part of me was afraid that I would get outside and everything would be on fire or something. To my surprise everything was on fire, but it really didn’t bother me. I found it mildly amusing, and all of the people on fire didn’t seem to mind, so why make a big deal out of it?

By the time I did reach the office I was recognized as an emperor-god by most of the known universe, but I decided to keep that to myself. No need to freak anybody out.

I sat at my desk and felt an immediate surge of innovation. The first thing I did was throw away my computer. The human brain is the most advanced quantum computer in the universe, so why downgrade? Next I had to connect my brain to the internet, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds. After a lot of trial and error stabbing myself with various wires, I was finally online. I could tell it worked because when I closed my eyes there were a bunch of weird lights I could sort of control with my thoughts. It truly is amazing what computers can do.

I hit a snag when I grabbed my stapler and realized that I had completely forgotten how to eat a stapler. Embarrassed, I decided to hide the stapler by throwing it as hard as I could. Unfortunately, Tom left his head in the way and the stapler hit it. Tom went on and on about how that was his head and bitching that it was all bloody now and just would not calm the fuck down, even after I told him he could eat my stapler.

It’s amazing what a mere 1,200 hits of LSD can do to your perception. For the first time, I realized that I was in a hostile work environment.

I knew the first step toward fixing my hostile work environment was to inform management of my discovery. At first I thought I would tell them, but then I remembered how often words fail. Action is the universal language.

I wanted to make sure my actions were understood properly, so I removed my shirt and wrote the word “HOSTILE” across my chest. As I shaved my hair in the bathroom mirror I noticed that a lot of my internet wounds were still bleeding. Perfect. Now that my look was complete I grabbed a mop handle and sprang to work.

At first when I started jumping on people’s desks and smashing their belongings with a mop handle they looked at me like I was crazy. But as I repeatedly screamed “I am the alpha-monkey!” they began to understand I was making a comment about workplace hostility. Once they became aware of this, they ran out of the building as fast as they could, terrified. I was happy to see they were all taking workplace hostility as seriously as I was!

Long story short, my first day of microdosing was a complete success. I can’t wait to see what innovations I come up with over the next four weeks!

Overconfident 38-Year-Old Expected to Make Full Recovery After Standing at Front of Hardcore Show

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the very front of a recent hardcore show at the El Corazon venue, witnesses who had warned her of the potential repercussions beforehand confirmed.

“And to think I almost stood in the back, but didn’t want to look like an idiot,” said Angler before choosing on her own to eat a spoonful of Kasha. “I mean, in my eyes I’m just as youthful as ever if you don’t count the chronic back pain, sensitive digestive system, and an inability to stay up past 10 p.m. anymore. No one tells you when you’re younger that at some point your body just can’t handle violent social rituals like it used to. I guess I’ll just have to continue to learn through trial and error, and denial, and then more error.”

Doctors commented on Angler’s condition.

“Several of the wounds Ms. Angler sustained actually seemed to happen all on their own and she even blacked out from the stress at some point,” said Dr. Julia Weingartner. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before in people her age, where the body just kind of gives out at events they used to treasure. We can’t really explain this phenomenon either. All I know is that she’s got some work cut out for her to get back to full strength, but even a full recovery won’t take away the fact that she’s not 22 years old anymore. Or even 32, for that matter.”

Experts noted the signs and symptoms that aging millennials need to watch out for when planning to attend shows.

“A large majority of people who are in their mid-to-late 30s don’t think aging is going to affect them,” said health expert Carrie Krimpshen. “Then one day you see a gray hair here and a wrinkle there, and all the sudden you start finding yourself driving across town to go to the nice Albertson’s. That’s when you know it’s time to phone it in and just ride out the rest of your days in the very back of shows checking your phone to figure how much longer you have until you can go home. It comes for us all.”

At press time, Angler had indeed made a full recovery, but reinjured herself after attempting to pull a double ollie, which is something she evidently couldn’t even do when she was younger.

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