Matt Gaetz Announces He’s Only 17 Years Old

Posted on by Tony Morse

WASHINGTON — Embattled congressman Matt Gaetz shocked officials inside the Beltway with a bombshell announcement regarding his age, stunned Capitol Hill sources confirmed.

“I’m only 17, but are you really surprised? I wasn’t exactly acting like a grownup when I broke security protocol to storm a classified hearing during Trump’s first impeachment, or when I wore a gas mask on the House floor for attention while everyone else hurried to address the new Coronavirus pandemic,” explained Gaetz. “But ask yourself why the fake news has been pushing sensationalized stories about how old one of my sexual partners was without bothering to mention my age. It’s because Democrats use the elitist media to distract everyone so they can sexually abuse children. It’s no different than pretending to be a little older to go fight Hitler, because Democrats are the same as Nazis with those vaccine passports they won’t shut up about.”

“This entire ordeal has devastated my 19-year-old son, Nestor,” added an emotional Gaetz.

Legal commentators were quick to point out that this revelation jeopardizes the ongoing FBI investigation into Gaetz’s activities.

“This is brilliant legal maneuvering,” said Jeffrey Epstein’s co-conspirator and former lawyer, Alan Dershowitz. “Nothing derails a prosecutor’s case quite like finding out the adult they claim is engaging in sexual activity with a minor is also actually a minor. No crime there. Only a perfect sex life, just like my own. Anyway, I can understand why everyone assumed Mr. Gaetz was older. He demonstrated real sophistication with those menacing witness tampering tweets directed at that rat Michael Cohen. They rivaled those of my client, President Trump, who handles all things in a very adult way.”

But while Gaetz celebrated vindication, one of his party companions worried.

“Well, this is awkward,” Trump confidant Roger Stone uneasily remarked. “Not a great feeling when you find out the guy you’ve been high-fiving during some smokin’ hot Eiffel Towers is telling everyone he’s underage. But you know, Matt’s the life of the party. I always figured it was just all the cocaine, but I guess it could’ve been youthful energy and cocaine.”

At press time, Gaetz was anxiously Venmoing his fake ID hookup.

Photo by Wikimedia.

Your Truck Is a Gas-Guzzling, Atmosphere Polluting, Emphysema Causing, Planet Destroyer and I Need to Borrow It so I Can Move

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Hey you! Yeah you, the gentrifying piece of shit driving around in that planet-destroying truck. Hey, I’ve got an idea. You should get in that massive carbon-emitting pickup that’s clearly overcompensating for something, stop blocking half the goddamn street, and pull it around to the loading dock of my apartment building, because I can’t fit my hemp futon in my Volt.

I am so sick of this city filling up with you yuppies coming here to build loft condos, artisan burger stands, and giant SUVs. So sick, in fact, that I’m moving to another town. Hopefully my next neighborhood won’t be filled with assholes moving in and taking over. However, I really do need help moving my big furniture because all my friends own mopeds, so I was hoping I could borrow your truck for a few hours so I can get the fuck away from people like you even faster.

Here’s some plastic bottles. How about you go throw them in the ocean for a few hours while I use the ever-depleting reserve of fossil fuels via your truck to deliver my dresser (which is made from sustainable materials, by the way) to my new solar-powered mini-home. Then you can go back to dumping medical waste behind a school or whatever it is you people do.

I can’t tell if it’s the exhaust that’s making me sick, or if it’s just the sight of you.

Oh, I also need to borrow your carcinogen factory on wheels next week to pick up my kayak, because people like you are going to make the sea levels rise so high that soon we’ll only be able to get around by boat. And I’m sure you’re gonna buy some giant smoke-spewing pontoon when that happens, which I will also need to borrow when it’s time to move my stuff further inland.

Also, can you give me a hand bringing my stuff down the stairs? I’ll give you some organic beer and cauliflower crust pizza.

Rest of Dave Matthews Band Petition to Change Band Name to Literally Anything Else

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Members of Dave Matthews Band not named Dave Matthews got together yesterday to request a name change in order to be more inclusive of all musicians in the group, witnesses who couldn’t agree more reported.

“There are like seven of us. Why limit your band’s identity to the singer’s name and strip yourself of the opportunity to have a cool and creative one, like Van Halen or Bon Jovi?” said Carter Beauford, drummer for the band since its inception. “Initially, the name Dave Matthews Band was only supposed to be a placeholder until we could come up with a more badass one, but after booking our first gig without an official name Dave rallied hard to stick with it. I mean, it’s not even an interesting first or last name to begin with. Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people your band is named after some guy named Dave? Each day is harder than the next.”

The singer and songwriter for the iconic jam band provided his side of the story.

“If I had it my way, I would name every collaborative effort after myself. ‘Dave Matthews Song,’ ‘Dave Matthews Album,’ Dave Matthews Daughter. You get the idea,” said Matthews while arranging his collection of rare hemp necklaces. “Now that I think about it, I distinctly remember giving my band the option of changing the name to either Dave Matthews Jam Band or Dave Matthews and the Backup Musicians. I was even cool with changing it to David Matthews Band. No one could agree on any of these though. That’s kind of on them.”

Experts have long documented this bizarre trend in naming conventions.

“White guys love taking credit for music their full band had a part in putting together. Look no further than Steve Miller Band, J. Geils Band, and Rollins Band,” said music critic Chelsea Falnerry. “It’s a control thing, and a foolproof way of never getting kicked out. Think about it. You can’t fire Dave Matthews from Dave Matthews Band no matter how much you may want to. You unwittingly made it your whole brand and logistically that just wouldn’t make any sense. Kind of a brilliant albeit self-preservationist move on Dave’s part.”

At press time, Matthews fired his band citing “insubordination” and hired musicians who “were more team players.”

Photo courtesy of Riverbend. 

Claire’s Piercings Just Want the Other Body Piercings to Respect Them

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

GARDEN CITY, N.Y. — Donna Morgan’s second ear lobe piercings, obtained at a Claire’s in the Roosevelt Field Mall 13 years ago, asked Morgan’s younger, bullying-prone piercings to please respect them, according to sensitive sources.

“You wanna talk about badass body jewelry? What’s more badass than a 17-year-old in a Fall Out Boy T-shirt who barely knows how to use a piercing gun and makes $5 an hour surrounded by pink and purple headbands?” quivered Morgan’s second piercings through their little flower studs. “You want tough? Piercing guns are more painful than needles. It’s a huge shock to the system. And Donna got a cool princess trinket box as a gift with her purchase of us.”

Morgan’s nose piercing, one of seven current piercings not including the belly button ring that was ripped out five years ago when it caught on Morgan’s shirt, offered its thoughts on the matter.

“I know we all come with our own story, and I have nothing against the Claire’s piercings, personally. But I can’t respect any piercing that was made 10 feet from an Auntie Anne’s Pretzel. I don’t care how close it was to the Hot Topic,” said Morgan’s nose piercing. “I was done the old-fashioned way: by a friend with an ice cube and a sewing needle while another friend holds you down. It was reckless. I am not some product of a corporate chain. I was infected for a really long time.”

Claire’s store cashier and high school student Rebecca Menez didn’t recall administering the piercings in question.

“I don’t know. The training is just ‘put a dot on each ear, and don’t flinch or they come out uneven.’ I’ve seen a lot of kids cry,” said Menez as she prepared to give her fourth ear piercing that day. “It’s a plastic gun that I’ve definitely mistaken for a glue gun a bunch of times when I’ve needed to repair the signs. All of our accessories are really cheap and corny. It’s pretty lame. I think most people who get their ears pierced here are under 16 and definitely doing it on a dare, so I’m glad they’ll be the cool friend for a couple of days.”

At press time, Morgan’s industrial, conch, and tragus piercings were taking bets on how long it will be before the second holes close.

Man Becomes Anti-Vaxxer in Order to Avoid Having to Attend Social Gatherings Again

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

QUINCY, Mass. — Local man and self-described introvert Blake Crowley became an adamant anti-vaccine activist in a desperate attempt to avoid being forced to attend parties and get-togethers, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I’m sorry, but I’m just not comfortable loading my body full of a mystery serum funded by the population control wing of Bill Gates World Takeover Enterprises,” said Crowley from his studio apartment. “Just look at the facts. I heard one guy in New York got the Pfizer vaccine and the next day he grew another penis. Does that sound like something we should be voluntarily taking? Suddenly we have a bunch of vaccinated zombies with multiple penises marching around celebrating birthdays, going to weddings, or even just getting together for a karaoke night? No thanks. I’ll take my chances with COVID.”

Friends of Crowley were not surprised by his sudden opposition to the vaccine.

“While most people struggled over the past year because they felt isolated and alone, fucking Blake thrived. He started painting, learned six new languages, and also researched his family tree and found out he’s a distant cousin to Charlemagne,” said longtime friend Jackie Woodford. “But as soon as the CDC began lifting restrictions on social gatherings, he started to get weird. He started posting how unsafe vaccines are in all of our group chats and really went off the deep end with conspiracy theories. He truly believes that the scientists at Moderna are an advanced alien race and this vaccine is an insemination technique that will lead to aliens growing in our skulls that eventually burst open and kill us, and that’s why we shouldn’t invite him to our shows.”

Psychologists say sudden changes like those exhibited by Crowley are not isolated incidents.

“When the pandemic first hit we saw lots of extroverts trying to downplay the dangers of COVID-19. They would say ‘it’s just a mild flu,’ ‘it only affects old people,’ ‘it’s a complete hoax,’ all so they could still go hang out at the bar with their friends,” said Dr. Armond Terjian. “Now that things are reopening and people are hanging out again, it’s sending introverts into panic mode. They don’t want to return to the days of ‘casually meeting up at the park,’ that’s a fucking nightmare. Work parties? Nobody likes those. I can see why some are resorting to anti-vaxx techniques in order to avoid rejoining society. It’s their only option.”

At press time, Crowley was reportedly on the dark web trying to procure as much Ebola as possible in hope of starting a new pandemic.

Opinion: You Can Totally Just Eat Uncooked Hot Dogs

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

First of all, I just want to say to all my friends and family, thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it but I’m totally fine. In fact, I’ve never felt better. You can all rest assured that my physical and mental well-being are intact, and my latest post about eating uncooked hotdogs for every meal this month is not an indication otherwise. Seriously, I want to stress that it is totally 100% safe to eat uncooked hot dogs.

Before you say anything, just trust that I did my due diligence. Since getting fired last month, I’ve had a ton of time on my hands. Through a combination of online research and my own trial-and-error, I have discovered that there is little risk of food-borne illness associated with eating raw hotdogs. You can all stop worrying about me. I’m fine.

Unlike other meats such as poultry, hot dogs are pre-cooked, so you will not get sick from eating them raw, even if you’ve left the hot dogs out on the kitchen counter for several hours because you don’t have the strength to put them away. Internal strength, mind you. I have all the external strength I need, thanks to my high protein diet. So really, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

To be honest, it’s frustrating that despite me explaining again and again that eating uncooked hot dogs is a-okay, my loved ones won’t stop checking in on me. My mom even asked if I need to speak with someone to help me work out “whatever it is you’re going through.” Well, although I’m not sure what exactly they’re referring to here, I will reiterate for what is hopefully the last time, that eating a pack of raw hot dogs over the sink in my darkened kitchen and then going back to sleep for another 10 hours is perfectly healthy. Because they are PRE-cooked. It says so right on the package.

Please rest assured that I am fine. You no longer need to check in on me about the hotdogs. They’re safe. I’d also appreciate it if you stopped checking in on me about all the open vodka bottles in my apartment. The alcohol kills the bacteria. I’m fine.

Atheist Bon Jovi Fan Has Been Livin’ on Richard Dawkins Quotes

Posted on by Jovian Gautama

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local nonbeliever and Bon Jovi fan Tami Clarkson has been mentally cruising through unemployment solely by the quotes and wisdom of atheist professor Richard Dawkins, concerned family members reported.

“Tami hasn’t worked since the Amazon union strike. I keep telling her to find a new job, but she keeps brushing me off by saying we’ve got to ‘hold on to science and secularism,’” says Clarkson’s wife Regina Thorpe. “I love her, but her saying ‘we’ve got each other’ while she’s just sitting at home watching videos of Richard Dawkins on Bill Maher and I’m working double shifts at Applebee’s is infuriating.”

While things at home are looking dire, Clarkson remains unquestionably faithful and devoted to the wisdom of the infamous Oxford Professor.

“I admit it’s a tough time in this country, especially if you belong to a group of independent thinkers like us. I also believe we’re the most discriminated group in America when it comes to job hunting. I put ‘proud atheist’ on my resume, and have never heard back from any company,” says Clarkson, who is also known as the “Doubting Tami” on the local pagan Facebook group. “I could kneel down and pray to a nonexistent being, hoping things get better like a brainwashed sheep, but Professor Dawkins once said we’re living in a time when humanity is pushing against the limits of understanding, so it won’t be long until technology helps me automatically take care of my family.”

Religious Studies Professor Lars Drummond says the Dawkins fanaticism phenomenon is common among unemployed millennial classic rock fans.

“It started around 15 years ago when ‘The God Delusion’ was first published and Jon Bon Jovi couldn’t sing the chorus of ‘Livin’ on A Prayer’ for shit anymore,” said Drummond. “This particular demographic started questioning God when Jon started to lose his ‘80s voice. It got worse when Sambora left, and went full-blown ‘there is no God’ when the band released ‘This House Is Not For Sale.’ Utterly tragic.”

As of press time, Clarkson was writing a long Reddit post in “r/atheism” explaining how credit card bills are biblical propaganda and urging fellow nonbelievers to “stand their ground” by not paying their debt.

“X-Men” Animated Series Just Not the Same Without Parents Fighting in Background

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new report from The Institute of Nostalgia Studies found evidence that the classic ‘90s “X-Men” animated series doesn’t have the same entertainment impact without one’s parents fighting in the background.

“I thought the screaming was part of the show,” admitted fan Tina Ducompe. “It wasn’t until I rewatched it that I realized how absurd it would be for Wolverine to be screaming my mom’s name and constantly saying, ‘I’ll kill myself if you fucking divorce me, I swear to god I’ll fucking kill myself in front of you.’ I guess that makes it a more emotionally healthy show, but it just hits different now. I expected it to remind me of a simpler time when I didn’t have bills, knee pain, or an acute awareness that the U.S. is a global supervillain, but I just can’t get in that mindset without a lamp breaking or door slamming. Maybe I can get my parents to fight over the phone and record it.”

The Institute of Nostalgia Studies released their results following multiple complaints by viewers that the show wasn’t as good as they remembered.

“This may be the saddest project I’ve ever worked on, and I studied cancer in baby dolphins when I was at the Harvard Medical School,” explained lead researcher Dr. Winton Tallow. “Many of today’s adults were raised by TV since their parents were busy beating the shit out of each other in the other room. Ironically, reintroduction of that traumatic stimuli has the opposite effect from what you’d expect; it puts the subject at ease. Multiple test subjects asked me to give myself a bloody nose and yank them out of the room while scream-crying, ‘We are going to Gam Gam’s, don’t look back.’ It broke me when one test subject asked me to throw a dog against the wall during the theme song.”

Additionally, media distributors are keen to capitalize on this new revelation.

“We’ll throw the fights in somehow,” gushed Disney CEO Bob Chapek. “I’ll hire a bunch of hungry actors to get plastered and do some voice over, act like they’re fighting, and we’ll put it in like audio commentary. Hell, I’ll get them to record every known name, and we’ll customize the audio for our Disney+ subscribers. Maybe we’ll offer a premium subscription where we’ll hire actors to show up at your house and fight in a nearby room. You see trauma, I see dollar signs babaaaaay.”

At press time, media executives were trying to simulate a breakup for the bonus features of “Tremors.”

President Biden Urges Nation to Peacefully Allow Law Enforcement to Continue Murdering Them

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WASHINGTON — President Biden urged American citizens to peacefully allow law enforcement to continue murdering them following a spike in shootings of unarmed Black people across the country.

“These officer-involved shootings are truly tragic,” said the 46th President of the United States at a press briefing. “But we must remember that these incidents are ingrained in the foundation of our country, and are by no means a justifiable reason to go out and start creating problems in the streets. It’s certainly no excuse to loot a Target, or Walmart, or any of our multinational corporate brothers and sisters. We are a strong nation and we can’t let violence and anger consume us. We must remember the teachings of the great Martin Luther King, Jr., who practiced peaceful demonstrations against this insidious legacy of violence before he himself was tormented and eventually shot in the head by the FBI.”

Law enforcement officials went on the record to applaud the President’s comments.

“It’s nice to hear our radical-left Antifa President finally make some damn sense,” said former Metropolitan Chief of Police and current domestic abuser, Peter Newsham. “This politically correct climate is making it impossible for police officers and hastily-deputized militiamen to do our jobs. We used to be able to murder people without anybody batting an eye. Now everything we do is being recorded on someone’s cell phone, and we have to worry about these high profile court cases airing on network TV. Now the next time I have the opportunity to kill a Black man I have to think, ‘Will this make me look bad?’ before I pull the trigger. I shouldn’t have to live like this.”

Members of the Black community argue that Biden’s comments were shallow and dangerous.

“The very inception of the police was solely for the purpose of catching slaves and harassing immigrants, going back to the 1700s,” expressed Howard University historian Kalil Lewis. “The 13th Amendment may have abolished slavery, but the exception clause within it gave birth to the prison industrial complex, giving the police another excuse to continue their reign of terror. Until President Biden and our nation’s leaders address and reckon with this, they can’t expect anything to get better.”

At press time, President Biden was seen calling Vice President Kamala Harris’ new haircut “ghetto fabulous.”

We Spoke With the Guy From Smash Mouth Because We Randomly Ran Into Him at Shake Shack and Felt Too Awkward Not To

Posted on by James Knapp

So we ran into the guy from Smash Mouth on our lunch break while in line at Shake Shack. No big deal, right? That’s what we thought, but when he noticed us notice him it became a whole thing. Anyway, we spoke with the guy from Smash Mouth because it felt slightly less awkward than not talking to him while we waited for our hot dog.

Guy from Smash Mouth: Yo! Hey! What uuuup?

The Hard Times: Huh? Oh, uh nothing. Long line today.

Aw man, hell yeah. I’m radically chillin’ bros.

Alright. That’s good, we guess. We’re gonna go back to looking at our phone now.

Oh come on, don’t make it weird. You recognized me and now you’re hangin’ with a bonafide celeb. Now that’s what I’d call an “All Star” afternoon, ya know.

Wow, so you actually talk like that?

The whole band does! Each and every one of us is an all star. We rock AND roll all day long.

That’s… good. Glad you’re doing well.

It’s been sick lately. We’ve been bustin’ out massive shows all over the place. Totally rockstar.

Wait, seriously? You know the country’s still mostly shut down.

We respect it if that’s what peeps wanna do, but Smash Mouth just gotta smash. We get that there are risks but we’re risk-takers. We’re always walking on the sun, man. Know what I mean?

We really fucking hope not. Are you really not taking this seriously?

Hells to the yeah! We just wrote this tight new record. It’s a concept album about this cool dude who loses his Oakleys at a dirt bike race, and his personal journey to drink a hundred Smirnoff Ices to prove he deserves them again.

Jesus.

Yeah, bro. It’s something really close to our hearts, ya know.

Sure, sure. Wonder what’s taking so long with our order?

Yo that might be my bad. I asked for a Mouth Deluxe special. It takes a while to make.

What in the shit is a “Mouth Deluxe”?

It’s six patties deep fried in porcupine grease, slathered in liquified Fritos, and sandwiched between two jalapeño pork jowls.

You saying that brings to mind the fact that we’ve never seen you and Guy Fieri in the same place at the same time.

Excuse me?! That was over the line. You just blew your chance to hang with a real rock star. I’m out of here.

Oh, come on. Why can’t we be friends?