PORTLAND, Ore. — Progressive metal band Knight Vision announced they are accepting applications from medieval studies majors for a summer internship offering practical application of their vast knowledge of feudalistic cultures and siege tactics.
“Our band is offering a unique opportunity for medieval studies majors that will prepare them for the future,” Knight Vision guitarist Anthony Santillini said while loudly combing his waist-length hair. “Our apprentices will begin each day by fact-checking lyrics for our upcoming concept album to make sure we don’t sing about a brave squire defeating his enemies with a mace when he really would’ve used a flail! After scribe duties, they’ll braid our hair, ensure the historical accuracy of our D&D miniature figurine collection, make dandelion mead, smoke turkey legs, find the best DIY hilt tutorials on YouTube, and load and unload our gear at every show.”
After seeing sponsored ads for the internship on Instagram and at the top of the Medieval Times menu, some students began rushing to get their documents in order.
“I always knew my knowledge of religious skirmishes and falconry would come in handy beyond the highly-specialized classes at my private university,” junior Willis Hamilton said while reworking their resume in a University of Portland dining hall. “I’ll finally get to understand serfdom by becoming one myself! I don’t know how to tune a guitar or what a pedalboard is, but I think my experience maintaining equestrian stables and encyclopedic knowledge of the silk routes will really make my application pop.”
Labor activist Jeffry Scott believes the internship is merely another example of the music industry exploiting vulnerable workers for profit.
“This labor theft — and that’s what I call it — is completely unethical,” said Scott. “Those interns could be providing real value to the economy writing ‘Game of Thrones’ wannabe spec scripts for AMC, searching for proof of ancient aliens in Gaelic texts for History channel, or making sad-looking salads in a coffee shop. Instead, they’ve been tricked into giving their expertise to big metal for free. Bands like Knight Vision will literally make hundreds of dollars on the backs of their interns and share nothing with the proletariat that made it possible.”
At press time, the band has eliminated multiple candidates as a result of their related experience with Norse mythology, citing fear that Amon Amarth would kick their ass for mentioning Odin even once.