Top Four Times We Tried to Watch “The Wire”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

“The Wire” is considered the greatest show of all time, besides all those other shows that are also considered the greatest of all time. Despite many attempts to view and enjoy the allegedly groundbreaking show, like a TV-watching Sisyphus I have repeatedly failed to make it through even one episode. Here are the top four times I tried to watch “The Wire.”

When I Was in That Full Body Cast
Before you get too panicked, don’t worry! I was not injured, but instead had my entire body encased in hardened plaster as part of a kinky sex ritual (that, ironically, ended in a devastating injury). Everything was going great until my dom remembered he had mass that morning, so he left me immobile with my favorite show “Arliss” on the tube. Eventually “The Wire” came on, but at that point the heat from within the cast was so unbearable I passed out.

When I Decided to Try Crack
Like most young adults, there came a time in my life when I opted to give crack the old college try. Although I had never seen the show, I was aware that a number of different narcotics were featured on the program. And if I were to procure some “jelly beans” from a local pusher, the show might give me some clues on how to get started. But here’s the thing about crack: you don’t need to watch a TV show to smoke it. You can just ask a bunch of people, “One crack, please,” and eventually someone will sell it without ever quizzing you about whether Bubbles is a character or some kind of drug slang.

When My Mother Was Kidnapped
After years of my friends insisting that I see “The Wire,” and telling me about how I “just need to watch the first 20-30 episodes and then it gets amazing,” eventually they took matters into their own hands and kidnapped my mother. If I watched the show, she’d go free. And I totally was gonna do it. But then I couldn’t remember my HBO Go login and sort of forgot about the whole thing. This was particularly confusing, as they kept sending severed fingers in the mail and I had no idea what it was in relation to. They must have eventually gotten bored, because later my mom was returned with all ten digits intact. Never did figure out whose fingers they were.

When I Became the Baltimore Chief of Police
Not too long after my two-decade-long crack weekend, which I will henceforth refer to as “Crack Cocaineamania,” I was appointed the police chief of Baltimore County, Maryland. While typically police chiefs rise through the ranks and have some law enforcement experience, that year Baltimore chose their next top cop with a statewide hot dog eating contest. This would have been the perfect time to watch the show, as I knew absolutely nothing about Charm City’s illegal drug trade or even how to find Baltimore on a map. But, you know? I didn’t. Despite this, under my reign violent crime in the city decreased 45%, and I got access to all the crack my rapidly-beating heart desired.

Tattoo Parlor Offers to Cover Up Hate Symbols and Finger Mustaches for Free

Posted on by Eli Johnson

LIMA, Ohio – A Midwestern tattoo shop is doing its part to heal the nation’s wounds by offering free appointments to anyone who wants to cover up tattoos of hate symbols or finger mustaches, inspired sources confirm.

“We’d occasionally get customers coming in ashamed of this mistake they’ve been living with on their bodies, and it just didn’t seem right for us to profit off of that,” said Jake Sullivan, proprietor of Mad Hatter Ink. “The beauty of a tattoo is its permanence, but people change, and unfortunately a tattoo can also be a painful reminder of a time when they held attitudes they now recognize as reprehensible. For some, that’s white power iconography. For others, it’s mid-2000s ironic facial hair.”

Sullivan was unsure what kind of reaction his offer would receive, but ever since the announcement, his business has seen a steady stream of reformed skinheads and Reddit users grateful for the service.

“I fell in with a bad crowd when I was a teenager,” said Dylan Hess, one of Mad Hatter’s recent customers. “Things were rough at home, I guess I didn’t know any better. This tattoo seemed like the biggest ‘fuck you’ to society I could think of, and I’m tired of having to hide it. Covering up this handlebar fingerstache will help me move on from the person I used to be. With the help of therapy, I’m hoping to cut down on the amount of ‘Step Brothers’ quotes I work into casual conversation, and think I might be on the right path toward being fuckable soon.”

Employees have taken the task as an artistic challenge, brainstorming socially acceptable designs that build off of hateful and sarcastic iconography.

“I’ve turned swastikas into clock faces, Confederate flags into roses, and it’s actually led to some cool new designs,” said employee Jennifer Haggerty. “I had one customer who wanted to turn their fingerstache into a Pickle Rick, and, well, you have to take baby steps with some people. I do my best, but I’m not a miracle worker.”

Sullivan said there has been so much interest in the promotion that he is considering expanding the offer to include Chinese characters they don’t know the meaning of, dreamcatchers, and the Deathly Hallows symbol.

Opinion: All Cultures Deserve a Holiday That Stereotypes Them as Raging Drunks

Posted on by Ted Pillow

When I say “cultural celebration,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Thanks to the long-term effects of thoughtful, nuanced celebrations like Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick’s Day, many proud Americans would undoubtedly answer, “Getting blackout drunk by noon.” Unfortunately, not all cultures have the privilege of being represented as hedonistic alcoholics. It’s time we demand a holiday for all cultures that makes them look like hooched-up winos.

If America is truly dedicated to equality, why should only a handful of countries get celebrated? If you ask me, every nation under the sun should have its own day where white people get shitfaced while wearing a novelty hat and drinking an Applebee’s approximation of an exotic beverage.

It’s not rocket science. You want people to like Japan more? Tell them every September 20th is International Sake Bomb Day. How about throwing Jamaica a bone by making a weekend in August dedicated to drinking rum on the beach? Russia could improve their whole vibe if they spent less time interfering with elections and more time turning some random Tuesday in February into a party where everyone wears big furry hats and slams Moscow Mules.

The best part? It works both ways. In many parts of the world, America has lost favor and is no longer as respected as it once was back in 2015. That’s where the final piece of this diversity plan comes into play. Let’s share our culture with the world! The rest of the world would love that.

We can achieve this by turning our Independence Day into an international holiday. Picture it: a July 4th celebrated across the globe. Kinda like the ending of “Independence Day,” except with all the world’s people decked out in American flag board shorts and chugging Coors Light. That’s what America does every July 4th, anyway.

Post-Rock Band Teams up With Netflix Programmers to Offer “Skip Intro” Feature on Upcoming Album

Posted on by Peter Woods

TORONTO — Local post-rock band To Lay in a Store of Sucking Stones unveiled a “Skip Intro” feature designed by programmers at Netflix for their latest album during a joint press conference last Tuesday.

“There has been a large shift in the media environment over the past several years. It’s clear to us at Netflix that viewers just don’t put up with nonsense theme songs anymore,” explained programmer Gwen Pearson. “People don’t want to watch the credits, they want to watch the show. We assumed that music fans wanna skip all of the Halloween sound effects stuff and get to the actual riffs. I, for one, just want to get to the seven minutes of actual music on this album and move on with my life.”

According to the band, the feature was not added just to appease fans.

“The label said we needed to fill an entire album, but we only had two or three minutes of actual music and didn’t feel like working on this anymore,” claimed guitarist Armaan Valentine. “So instead of writing something new, we recorded our neighbor’s dog digging a hole, mashed that up with a rant from our drunk friend, and called it a day. Then, bam: full album in the can. The label is happy, and now listeners have the option of listening to old voicemails that my mom left me, or not.”

“I can tell you that it’s already been a godsend for us,” said Valentine. “Not having to listen to the intros on the test press made everything so much easier.”

Not all of To Lay in a Store of Sucking Stones’ fans were pleased by the announcement.

“This grotesque new technology is going to completely undermine the band’s carefully crafted compositions,” said long time fan Jaden Brady. “It’s like trying to read a novel without first reading the dedication, table of contents, or copyright page. How could you possibly understand the context of the novel without knowing the ISBN number? This is worse than being able to skip episode recaps. Those explain so much of what we the viewer just saw two minutes ago. They’re so important.”

After sharing their excitement, the programmers at Netflix ended the press conference with a warning for musicians trying to use this button prematurely: a recent beta test of the button wiped out the entire discography of an unnamed but prominent noise artist.

Bill And Melinda Gates Say They’ll Remain Fuck Buddies

Posted on by Dicky Stock

SEATTLE — Bill and Melinda Gates assured friends, family, and fans that they fully intend to continue working with their foundation, as well as working each other’s pussies, dicks, assholes, and mouths to completion as friends following their divorce, according to relieved sources.

“She’s a real handful in the bedroom,” said Bill Gates of his now-estranged wife, Melinda. “We each know what the other likes. I know how to get her motor running, and I know how to keep that motor clean. And at the end of the day, I’m happy so long as I get her screaming like a banshee in the night. We may not be able to grow more as a couple, but my cock will never not grow when I see her, and I think we should respect that.”

Nearby Melinda Gates was nodding her head and biting her lip as she looked her ex-husband up and down.

“Everything Bill is saying is spot on, and I mean S-P-O-T O-N,” replied Melinda Gates, while pointing at her vagina in between each letter. “Sex was perhaps the only thing that kept this marriage afloat for so long. I mean, look at him, and look at me. I’m an absolute smokeshow, and he and his side part give off major daddy vibes. On the surface he’s just an evil nerd with money, but under those pleated khakis there’s a rock-hard pipe that just won’t quit, and I’m not about to give that up.”

Close family friends of the pair acknowledged they had seen this coming for some time.

“This was a marriage that, at its core, was based solely on the fact that you had two sexual dynamos who found each other and became locked at the crotch immediately,” said mutual friend Warren Buffet. “Outside the bedroom, the fighting was constant. Then one of them would say something wildly inappropriate like, ‘Well why don’t you fuck me about it, then?’ Right in front of everyone. They should have never gotten married. They should have always just had breathless, disgusting, spit-soaked sex, and now it’s nice to know that can happen without love, or the pursuit of love, getting in the way.”

Attempts to follow up with the Gateses to ask how this might affect The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation were unfulfilled after representatives for the couple stated that they were currently in passionate negotiations over who gets to keep the Sybian.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

We Sat Down With the Kid Who Got Expelled for Killing a Dog in Junior High Because He Pulled Us Over and Took Us Downtown

Posted on by Anna Walsh

On our way to complete an interview for a deadline that passed a couple weeks ago, Johnny 5-0 decided to do their duty as fascist hall monitors and enforce the speed limit on our ass. Okay, so the deadline to renew our license may have also passed a couple weeks ago, so these blowhards told us to accompany them downtown.

This sausage-necked guy drinking burnt coffee started talking about some kind of “statute” and we realized he looked really, really familiar. Anyway, it turned out we were sitting with the kid who got expelled for killing a dog in junior high. Let’s see what he’s up to now!

The Hard Times: Hey, we know you from somewhere. Oh shit! You were in our 7th grade science class! Miss Bonetti! Shit what’s your name, man?

Dog murderer: I’ve already told you it’s Officer Rinkowski. And I don’t believe I know you.

Nah, we definitely remember you. You were by far the most excited about dissecting frogs. Your haircut is still basically the same as back then. Wait a minute. You’re the kid that got expelled for killing the Skaggs family dog!

I have no recollection of that. You’re facing some serious fines for driving without a license.

Sure you don’t remember, bud. We saw a couple of German Shepherds on the way in. No way you’re allowed near the K-9 unit, right?

I think you’re confusing me for someone else. And this isn’t about me! You were speeding while driving with an invalid license.

We’re just saying, Mike Skagg’s mom still posts about Fluffy being killed on Facebook. Are you not friends with her? Also, how did you become a cop if you were expelled anyway? Oh, you probably had to go to military school, huh? That would totally add up. We bet you were the weird kid there, too. Yeah… probably alienated and ostracized from the jarhead kids. Bet they beat you up pretty bad. Bet they made you want to get even. But not against them. They’re too big and strong. Instead, you go for weaker prey. Prey like Fluffy. Prey like the working class.

…I did attend the Rockwell Military Academy from April of 7th grade to graduation, yes. But that’s totally unrelated-

Wow, small world running into you man! How about in lieu of charges, we promise to update our license, slow down on the backroads, and not run by your supervisor’s office just to clear up any details about the whole dog murder thing? Thanks.

Couple Who Own Air Fryer and Bidet Haven’t Stopped Talking Yet

Posted on by Mark Maira

SAN FRANCISCO — Presidio Heights residents Bella and Hilton Dell are close to surpassing the 90-minute mark talking about the air fryer and bidet they recently purchased, guests at a mutual friend’s gender reveal party confirmed.

“Honestly, I just met this person and I didn’t think I was going to find out such intimate details about the inside of her asshole so soon,” explained party guest Dewayne Jessup. “Like, all I wanted to do was grab some hors d’oeuvres and I’m blocked out by some lady telling me they settled on the ‘Tushy Spa 3.0’ because it’s got a warm water setting. I’m not your doctor, I don’t care.”

The conversation took a turn from revealing personal details surrounding Mrs. Dell’s bathroom habits and cleaning routine to cooking strategies used by the couple in their kitchen.

“I planned on dropping by for just a little bit to say congratulations, and the next thing I know I had this guy talking to me about how you can’t ‘overcrowd the basket’ of an air fryer because you’ll end up with soggy sweet potato fries,” said party attendee Janice Doplin. “45 minutes in, he was just listing off foods and the correct amount of oil to spritz on them before air frying to get the perfect texture. Why are you putting oil on the food if you’re supposed to be frying it with the air? This party fucking sucks.”

Ring Camera footage showed the couple blocking both exit points of the home, essentially trapping partygoers inside of the gender reveal party.

“This is a classic case of a couple who think way too highly of themselves, independently, and have zero regard for another person’s time, experience, or enjoyment levels,” said fellow emotional vampire revisewing the footage, Bryce Snyder. “While this does fall entirely on them, there are ways to avoid becoming a victim of the most boring verbal assault ever. Resist the urge to linger around food, never spend more than one second looking out onto a yard, pool, or barbecue grill, and avoid walking down narrow hallways alone.”

As of press time, guests were being held for an additional 20 excruciating minutes after Mr. Dell brought up that they were considering getting a tumbling compost bin and rain water barrel to install in their newly bought home.

Chairs: Are They Worth the Money?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Whether you’re trying to class up your parents’ basement, a squat, or a humble street corner, there is no denying the sense of luxury a good old-fashioned chair can bring to the table (figuratively speaking, of course, tables are bullshit and you definitely do not need one). But that luxury comes with the hefty price tag of “some money.”

As anyone who has ever tried to huff paint while standing up can tell you, sitting down is essential to the punk experience. But is it really worth shelling out upwards of $15 when a couple of milk crates or whatever does just fine? Let’s break it down.

Pro: Ergonomic, whatever the fuck that means
We think it means, like, it doesn’t fuck up your back while you’re doing shit or something. We asked a leading chair expert at Target if a chair was more ergonomic than some boxes or the floor or whatever and he gave an emphatic, “What? Uh, yeah.”

Con: Like, at least $10 dude
Even if you buy used, a sittable chair is going to cost you the equivalent of two bowl-packs, minimum. It’s fucking bullshit and the system needs to be torn down.

Pro: No more diamond-shaped welts on your ass from the milk crate grating
In a recent total guess, I figured that 9 out of every 10 street musicians suffer from crate-butt. Usually the symptoms are mild, but prolonged crate-sitting can lead to lacerations, which is what my doctor calls cuts for some reason. Those can get infected and then they have to put you on pills and not the fun kind that you can flip. So in a way, having a chair could save you money down the road. Then again, who the fuck knows if you’re even going to be alive tomorrow?

Con: They’re a little bougie
A chair is a status symbol. It can show a lack of hustle, which can mean less tips while busking.

Pro: A chair can double as a weapon
We’ve all seen a guy beat the shit out of somebody with a folding chair. Remember when that dude was fucked with ever again? Exactly.

The Verdict: Fucking steal one
Just steal that shit dude. You don’t even need to risk stealing from the store. There’s chairs all over the place. Break into a school, take one off someone’s porch, or hit a restaurant with an outdoor patio. Improv theaters are loaded with folding chairs and those places are for rich nerds anyway.

Aging Warped Tour Guy Only Grooming Pets Now

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Aging former Warped Tour musician Brent Storm sold his van and is now working for a local PetCo as a freelance pet groomer, sources who wouldn’t put anything past him confirmed.

“Grooming is a process that comes naturally to me,” said Storm. “Every once in a while you get a client that isn’t a perfect fit for you, but you can still manipulate the situation in your favor if you know what you’re doing. Sometimes you need to use treats or sing a song to convince them you’re on their side. It’s that personal touch that really helps you finish the job, especially with the younger pups.”

Impressed by Storm’s work ethic and uncanny grooming abilities, PetCo supervisor Felicia Stevenson had only positive things to say about his vocational 180.

“Brent is the best groomer on my team right now, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything,” said Stevenson. “Sure, he has a little bit of a body odor problem, and his unplugged ear lobes flap around like a pug’s prolapsed asshole, but he’s detailed and has a fast turnaround. If you ignore the FUCK RUMPUS tattoo he has on the front of his neck, he is a model employee by any measure.”

Storm’s former bandmate, Kris Davies, was not convinced that the frontman had changed, saying she believes he is “the same creep that drove me out of their band in the first place.”

“OK, so maybe he’s not huffing whippets behind the fairground Porta Potties with scene kids the same age as his nephew anymore, but when you think about it, expressing a poodle’s anal gland is still exerting power over someone, which is probably why he enjoys his new job so much,” Davies said. “To him, it’s the same thing as buying an underage girl beer during a Taking Back Sunday set. Fortunately, most of the local shows he plays these days are 21+, but if he gets booked at an all-ages show, I’d hope the entire scene is keeping an eye on him.”

At press time, Storm was seen leaving his place of employment to assist with an early load-in for his part-time gig at Chuck E. Cheese.

Wacky Friend On Teen Sitcom Acting Out To Escape Terrible Home Life

Posted on by Charles Bill

ANYTOWN, USA — Darrell “Sloppy” Jones, the wacky friend and outlandish next-door neighbor from teen sitcom “Janey and Joey,” reportedly only acts that way to escape his terrible life at home, morose sources confirmed.

“Yesterday, Sloppy came to our house with an entire wagon full of boiled eggs. We asked why he had them, and he said it was in case he gets hungry. What a ridiculous thing to say, unless he truly is not fed at home, and can only access food in outlandish and comedic ways. But nah, that’s just Sloppy,” said Janey Jorgensen, web show host and unknowing enabler of Sloppy’s destructive behavior. “You never know what this guy will do next. Sometimes he’ll show up at our house with a wacky plan to become homecoming queen in order to win the $100 gift card. Other times, he’ll have a black eye and absolutely refuse to talk about how it happened. What a goof.”

Sloppy later confirmed that his outrageous behavior, including his hilarious, malfunctioning cheesecake-making machine, was an effort to be noticed for something other than his flaws.

“Hey guys, what’s the honk honk?” inquired Sloppy. “The truth is, I really just want to prove to my parents that I can be something. That is why I spent several months making a helmet that allows dogs to talk, but it turned out that dogs are only interested in bones. It was so funny, but no one actually appreciated how much scientific effort went into it. Sometimes I get scared that the only living being that would miss me if I died is my super-intelligent iguana, Cher.”

Sloppy’s father Reginald Jones, who has never appeared on the show, told a different story.

“Look, the fucking kid is nothing but a disappointment. He thought it would impress me that he randomly got JoJo Siwa to play at the Spring dance, but if he thinks that knowing celebrities is good enough, then he’s as dumb as his two-timing mother,” explained Jones. “Look at this pansy-ass “Cool Ray” he made that turns an average spaz into a lothario. Pathetic. Son of a bitch, he used my fucking sunglasses to make this contraption and now they’re ruined. Those cost 60 fucking dollars. Where’s my belt?”

At press time, Sloppy was seen weeping while sneaking into an R-rated movie on Joey’s shoulders in a trench coat.