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I’ll Find Waldo for Free, and I’ll Kill Him for $10k

Alright, now. Listen to me. You all know me, or at least, you know my reputation. You know how I make my living. This man you’re looking for, this phantom? I can get him, but it ain’t gonna be easy. So this is the deal I’m offering you: I’ll find this Waldo for free, but I’ll kill him for $10,000.

Before you all start making a big fuss, think about what I’m offering. I hear this whole town has been looking for Waldo. You been looking for this stripe-shirted tommycod, and you found nothing. To you, he’s a ghost, a shadow. He could be right here amongst all of you, blending into the packed crowd of people and eye-catching striped umbrellas that make you think, oh I got him. But no.

It’s just an umbrella.

Lucky for you, I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do is find people…and take care of problems. I don’t know why you want this Waldo, and frankly, I don’t care. If he pulled the wool over this town’s eyes and swindled you, it’s not my business. If he seduced your women, burned your churches, tell it to someone else. If he made fools of you all and lived in your community, somehow slipping into every single situation imaginable, whether it be a packed beach, a crowded beach or in the arena of a sold-out football match…sing your sad song elsewhere.

Because all I want is that cold hard ten grand you’re going to give me to take this bastard out.

And know this: Waldo is a dangerous man. He’s one with the shadows, a dark chameleon. I don’t want no partner, and I don’t need no partner. I work alone, and I’m risking my neck to go after this one. If you don’t want to ante up, try locating him yourself. I think you’ll find it a long and frustrating task, with very little payoff.

But pay me my money, and your little Waldo problem is solved. 10k. That’ll get ya the striped hat, the glasses, the whole damned thing. I’ll drag his blood-soaked body in here and be on my merry little way. If you don’t believe I can do it, just ask around who hunted down and skinned the Berenstain Bears. Got the little one’s head in my trophy room now.

I’ll be waiting to hear from you.