LOS ANGELES — Recently vaccinated man Albert Kalomatsos posted his out-of-focus vaccine selfie weeks too late for it to even have a symbolic meaning, way too proud sources confirmed.
“I put off getting my Covid vaccine until I was totally sure they got all of that autism juice out of it, or whatever it was Joe Rogan called it,” said Kalomatsos while picking out the perfect surface to put his “I Got Vaccinated” sticker on. “I feel it’s my duty to show everyone I’m making a difference. Sure, everyone else I know already got this done like two months ago, but I didn’t want my vaccine selfie to get lost in a sea of other vaccine selfies.”
Sources close to Kalomatsos debated the meaningfulness of his vaccine selfie.
“Look, I’ve been trying to convince [Albert] for months to go get vaccinated. He works as a waiter so he’s been eligible since February, but he just wouldn’t listen. He kept saying ‘the vibe doesn’t feel right yet,’” explained friend and Instagram follower Samantha Rone while living a care and virus free life. “I posted my selfie back in March and it got a lot of likes on Facebook, but now I’m just trying to go back to any bar that doesn’t have plastic sheeting around it. If he’d got vaccinated earlier I might have given it a heart react, but now that he’s fully vaccinated I can meet him in real life to safely punch him in the face.”
Stephanie Fellensoph, representative for the Center of Disease Control, detailed the office’s official position on vaccine selfies.
“We absolutely encourage every single American to vaccinate themselves against this unprecedented disease. But if you didn’t post a selfie of yourself with a bandage on your shoulder before like May, well you might as well be doing mannequin videos for all the fucks we give,” said Fellensoph. “Don’t get me wrong, we still want people to be vaccinated and social media is a part of encouraging that. But we need to move on to other things soon — like eradicating that mutation that makes hummingbirds thirst for human blood. Crap, I wasn’t supposed to mention that.”
At press time, Kalomatsos had taken to Instagram to nominate three friends to take the Ice Bucket Challenge.