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Opinion: I’m Just a Better Babysitter on Shrooms

Well, this was one hell of a barbecue friend, but if you don’t mind helping me find my keys, I’ve got a babysitting gig to get to. Oh, don’t give me that, I had like three beers all day, way below the legal limit over here, I’m fine! Oh, the shrooms we all ate? Bro, don’t even worry about it. I actually babysit BETTER when I’m on shrooms.

Okay I know, I know, that’s what people with mushroom problems say, but for me it’s legit true. When you deal with children it’s important to get down to their level. What better way to do that than by taking drugs that give me the mind of a child for 4-6 hours?

To tell you the truth, I never go babysitting without a few caps and stems in me. I get way too tense! Anytime I try it sober those kids are too loud and whiny and their TV shows are way more boring. It’s honestly more responsible of me to take at least a microdose before Taking charge of other people’s children.

When I’m on shrooms it’s great because the kids and I just wanna do the same stuff. We want to watch cartoons, eat snacks and wonder if trees can talk. We actually might start our own YouTube show, but first we have to figure out how to make slime.

Seriously, if those kids had a little blow with them now and again, I wouldn’t want to trip with anyone else.

Trust me bro, I’ve been doing this a long time and the worst thing that ever happened was I forgot to feed and bathe them. And there was like a really small kitchen fire, that’s it. Those kids learned a lot putting that fire out!

You know they’ve done studies. I mean not on babysitting in particular, and with mice, but they’ve done studies.

Look, call me crazy if you want to but I believe that when you do babysitting right, it’s not really clear who’s babysitting who. It’s more zen that way and shit.

Oh, there are my keys! I forgot we encased them in jello because it looked cool. Alright now give me a hand backing out of here, I suck at driving on shrooms.