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Straight Man Weirdly Jealous of Lesbian

NEW HOPE, Pa. — Local straight man Scott Stevenson was spotted acting weirdly jealous around lesbian woman and acquaintance at best, Samantha Rux, at a bar late yesterday evening, sources confirm.

“Sam was just visiting her girlfriend at work and this guy starts acting like a total freak, telling her if she dresses like ‘such a rocker,’ he hopes that she actually plays in a band before she started complaining about Marissa Paternoster for reasons I cannot comprehend,” said bar patron “Skeezy” Tommy Sumner. “I ripped a huge fart just to give her an excuse to get out of there — I mean me and Sam go way back, it was the least I could do. I couldn’t just stand there and watch this happen again. And who still calls punks ‘rockers?’”

Rux’s girlfriend, bartender Jean Silva, was slightly more patient with Stevenson’s bizarre show of behavior.

“Me and Sam have been dating on and off for four years and I’m not gonna lie, I still find it funny as fuck how dudes do this to her. She’s like the quietest person on earth. It’s sort of amazing. When she met my parents, my dad felt the need to drop how much he used to bench and his position in high school football like three seconds into their handshake,” she said. “I used to see it all the time in the dingier punk bars. It’s funny until some guy gets wasted and tries to deck her to prove something. I really don’t know what it is, but poor Sam gets it everywhere she goes.”

Stevenson was overheard desperately trying to appease his humiliated friends.

“What’s the big deal about this chick anyway? She’s in a band? Whoa, cool. So is my grandpa,” he lamented to no one in particular. “Quiz her on gear. Chicks know nothing about gear and then they recruit some sad sappy fucker like me to come in and waste all our precious time doing everything for them for free. It’s straight up unfair and legit sexist. I have a girlfriend, too.”

At press time, a visibly wasted and annoyed Stevenson was trying to convince the bar he had paid Rux’s bill in spite of the fact that she drinks there for free.