Well I Misunderstood the Intent Behind a Purity Ring and Now I Can’t Get It off My Dick

Posted on by Stephen Bell

First of all, I don’t see what’s so funny about this. I am in a lot of pain, and I’m just looking for advice on how to move forward from here so please, spare me your jokes. Honestly, they way people have reacted so far you would think I was the first dude to ever done this, which I know cannot be true. Now, does anyone have any advice for getting this purity ring off of my throbbing, swollen member?

Why did I put it on my penis? Let’s just say I’m not big on metaphors, okay? When I was told this ring could keep me pure in the eyes of The Lord I assumed I was supposed to wear it on my penis. I mean how is it supposed to help me stay chaste if it’s on my finger? My finger doesn’t get sinful erections like my dick does. If it goes on my penis though it keeps away the devils divining rod if you know what I mean.

Look it’s an easy mistake to make okay?! My cousin is in college and he told me you don’t go to hell for finger banging, so why would I assume it goes on my finger? If you ask me it’s the guys who do this right the first time that have a screw loose.

Alright, in retrospect I suppose I should have known it wasn’t supposed to go directly on my penis. When I got sized up for the ring they were surprised how girthy of a ring I needed. Yeah that’s right, this Christian soldier is rocking a penis significantly larger than his finger. I don’t mean to brag but it’s a real two loaves and a fish situation down here. That’s why I needed something to prevent myself from being tempted! Except I failed to take into account swelling and now I can’t get this off, no pun intended.

You would think that maybe my youth pastor could have pointed out the mistake when I asked him to help me get it on, but he had zero questions and seemed very eager to assist.

Yeah sure laugh at the man with his dick stuck in a ring. You won’t be laughing after you burn in hell for all that premarital sex you had during med school. Besides, even if I lose my dick it will be in Heaven singing god’s praises waiting for me to get there.

So go ahead and laugh at the “moron” who had to have his junk amputated, I’ll rest comfortably knowing my cock is seated at the right hand of the father. Or the left, if he gets bored and wants to mix it up.

Records Rearranged for Optimal Date Impressing

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local man Nicholas Braun completely rearranged his vinyl record collection in order to achieve optimal impressiveness for his upcoming date with Alison Prenwich, according to sources.

“I’ve been looking forward to tonight,” Braun said. “This is our third date, so I’m hoping she’ll be down to come up to my apartment. I took out the garbage that’s been getting really rank this last week, made sure to stuff the worst of my crusty laundry in the closet and rearranged all of my records to maximize the idea that I’m a suitable sexual partner. There’s really an art to it, you know? Make sure you put the good stuff up front to catch, but make sure to have some choice cuts deep in there, so it’s like, oh, is that my copy of Eno’s ‘Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy),’ forgot I even had that.”

“And you have to make sure that you leave something cool out on the player already,” Braun added, debating between Maxwell’s ‘Urban Hang Suite’ and Isaac Hayes’ ‘Black Moses.’ “That should really get her going.”

Kaila Bennett, a former third date of Braun’s, confirmed this was a longtime strategy.

“Yeah, it was pretty clear that he had set up the vinyl as like, a seduction technique,” Bennett said. “I guess he thinks it would make him irresistible to have The Swarm’s ‘Parasitic Skies’ out in front, but then a first press of ‘Deloused’ to show he’s eclectic, then ‘Band on the Run’ to show that he’s not pretentious. It was so clearly contrived. And like any of it distracted that he was using Chipotle napkins as toilet paper.”

“Sex was okay, though,” she added.

Interior decorator Marcus Albright said this was not an uncommon approach.

“Many people believe that a successful date is just a matter of getting the order of your records right,” Albright said. “As though the only factor in a successful romantic tryst would be so simple. It is absolutely incorrect. You also need to think about angle of placement, display and the way light glistens off the wax of ‘Tiger Milk.’ It can be very complex. An art, really.”

As of press time, Braun was sorting through multiple containers of rotting General Tso’s chicken to make it seem as though he didn’t live in squalor.

Inspiring: This Woman Has Been Thinking of Going Vegan for 10 Years

Posted on by Dom Turek

Our favorite self-proclaimed health nut and animal empath Kara Andrews is celebrating her 10th anniversary of thinking of going vegan with a well-deserved slice of cheesecake.

From thinking about taking rock climbing classes for eight years to considering going sober for 15 years, there’s nothing Andrews hasn’t thought about doing. She’s living proof that once you set your mind to something, you can think about doing it for the rest of your life.

A staunch vegetarian since the age of 13, Andrews first thought about going vegan in her sophomore year of college after seeing a PETA video detailing the atrocities of the egg and dairy industry. Veganism became the cornerstone of Andrews’ life until she ate an Ellio’s pizza six days later.

Sanders wishes she could do more to support the vegan community by adhering to a strict cruelty-free diet, but she’s waiting until plant-based food distributors come out with a cheese substitution that doesn’t taste like plastic or vomit.

Artificially inseminating cows until their pus-filled mammary glands develop mastitis is beyond barbaric, but it’s still not as bad as a bag of Daiya shredded mozzarella, according to Andrews, who confirmed the fake cheese, “will not melt no matter how long you microwave it.”

Her nonchalant attitude towards animal cruelty is an inspiration to anyone who’s ever wanted to take a stance against injustice but didn’t have the compassion or integrity to follow through. Just asking your server if they have any vegan options available, even if you don’t plan to order them is a form of passive activism.

Life is about moderation, which is why it’s okay for vegetarians to have a chicken wing or slice of pepperoni now and then. When making a major decision, you should take all the time you need. No one is holding a gun to your head, most likely because that same gun is being used to execute a cow that failed to meet its daily lactation quota.

Previously Unknown Sepultura Album Discovered in Rainforest

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

BELO HORIZONTE, Brazil — A team of explorers recently discovered a previously unheard album by heavy metal band Sepultura hidden deep in the Amazon rainforest, multiple denim vest clad academic sources confirmed.

“We don’t yet know if the album is fatal to humans but every person subjected to it so far has suffered severe neck injuries from the amount of headbanging the album elicits, plus you can’t help but smash a couple beer cans on your forehead while listening,” said lead researcher Neva Rosa. “We have called in a team of metal experts to help determine when the album was recorded. The ferocious riffs over dense tribal rhythms is even more spiritually righteous than on 1996’s ‘Roots’ which suggests this to be a late 90s or early 2000s offering, although we’re unsure if Igor Cavalera is featured. We haven’t even started the air drum tests yet.”

Fans of the band are unanimous in their excitement and appreciation of the newly found LP, titled “Scolopendra” and printed on vinyl that secretes toxins when frightened.

“I’ve only been able to hear two tracks at the Universidade Federal biology listening station so far but they fucking ripped. As soon as those eggheads started playing it I started a circle pit and some bogus security guard threatened to kick me out,” said Opie Nicholas, who films himself reacting to songs for attention. “I tried to bootleg the songs by recording them on my phone through the headphones but the fascist scientists confiscated it. They need to learn that intense shredding and screaming isn’t just for academics in grand institutions anymore,”

Music historian Markus Felcher has heard the full album and is hesitant to support its release to the public before more is known about its origin.

“There are guitar solos on this album that conflict with everything we know about musical evolution,” said Felcher, senior lecturer of Brazilian speed-thrash at Oxford. “There are guest appearances from animal species we can’t identify, bass tones that test the limits of our world-class subwoofers, and have you heard the fucking drums on this thing? One fill alone could kill a baby or elderly person, no question.”

“We know from simple geography that the album is not Satanic, which would be another story if it were found in Scandinavia,” he later added.

Spotify is already planning a prestige launch on the album’s eventual release date, where Sepultura and the team that discovered the album are expected to receive untold amounts of exposure.

TRUTH Social User Data Comes Pre-Hacked

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

PALM BEACH, Fla. — Users signing up for TRUTH Social, the social media platform started by former President Donald J. Trump, will not only be able to stand up to tyranny, but will have their data hacked before they finish setting up a profile, confirmed sources with ties to the new platform.

“TRUTH is going to be so sophisticated, truly, the top of the line in social media, bigly hacked, before the information has even made it onto our site,” Trump said, speaking at a rally celebrating the TRUTH launch. “Investors are interested, they’re showing a great deal of interest, from the classiest places across the world: Russia, Ukraine, and even Russia. It’s drawing a great deal of international investment, because we do the work of hacking the data for them. And when you’re the President, the users just let you do it.”

Alexander Dunne, one of the lead engineers behind the new platform, said he hoped the pre-hacked data would give TRUTH a competitive edge among social media sites.

“It’s really hard to compete with the social media giants, particularly Facebook, because so many users already expect them to act wildly irresponsibly with their data,” said Dunne from a country that has no extradition treaty with the United States. “But sites like Parler were only going halfway. With TRUTH, we’ll not only hack the users’ data and sell it to private interests before they even log in, we’ll also be feeding them a constant feed of alternate truths directly from President Trump himself. It’s like a one-stop-shop: users can get native advertising for supplements based on symptoms they googled, while they’re being convinced a local business is being run by a cabal of sex-trafficking pedophiles.”

Marjorie Brandson, an analyst who focuses on trends in digital tech, was optimistic about TRUTH’s future.

“Pre-hacking data is the sort of market disruption that the tech industry is constantly clamoring for, particularly in the social media sector. Our data shows that American conservatives love portraying themselves as victims in systems they perpetuate, so allowing them to sign over all their data only to have it used to manipulate them and sell them products they don’t need could be a major boon for all parties. And that’s not an anecdotal observation—I actually used all their Cambridge Analytica data to form my analyses to begin with,” Brandson said.

At press time, Trump was awaiting former First Lady Melania Trump’s response to his TRUTH friend request.

Nice! One Guitar Is Doing the Chugging Part and One Is Doing the High Pitch Riff Thing!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Aw hells yeah! That thing I love about metalcore is happening again! It started off with a couple light strums to get me all primed like, ‘Okay, what’s about to happen here?’ Then sure enough, that one crunchy, down-tuned guit starts chugging away like Djun djun fuckin’ djun and that strummy guit from the beginning starts giving me that Ba na na nay na na nay high pitch riff thing! So sick!

I was worried this new album would have all that weird shit like a piano or those computery bleep bloops so the band can say they’re “growing as artists” or whatever, but this album is wall to wall straight fire, bro! A whole lotta chuggy lows and whole lotta screechy highs! Cus you know if it was just the high pitch guitar, it’d be lame-ass old people metal, but if it was just the chugging guitar, it’d be basic-ass high school hardcore! They like need each other!

The Djun djun is the reason I can hold my head high like, ‘Yeah, I like the hard shit’, and even though it’s just palm muting those top two strings over and over, every sick band on every one of their sick songs finds some new way to make it legit. Whether it’s a straight up Djun djun… Djun djun djun djun, or the faster Zi-du-dun, Zi-du-dun djun djun, I can just like feel that shit vibrating in my fucking heart, guy! Like, typing out the sounds does NOT do it justice!

Then you got high-pitch buddy over here basically doing a solo the whole song, but in riff form. Just a master of his instrument, ya know. Always fingering away, giving that high pitch soul to the chugs! That shit is the goosebump maker right there. I get all the feels from that Ba na na nay son of a bitch!

Sometimes you get crazy lucky and they start doing the same riff, but one guy’s hands are like 2 inches apart and one guy’s are like 2 feet apart!

You know the bass is always helping out the djun djun guy. Just beefing it right up. But then, when every song builds to the breakdown… Even high-pitch buddy gets in on the djun djun action! It all comes together when they team up in perfect unison with that kick drum for this punishing wall of chuggery! Like, how is this not everyone’s favorite music?! It’s just too good!

Life-Saving Measures Used on Broken Cigarette

Posted on by Dom Turek

LINCOLN, Neb. — A local woman was seen performing life-sustaining measures on her Marlboro Menthol cigarette after finding it barely clinging to life at the bottom of her tote bag, according to witnesses.

“I saw it lying there in a pool of its own tobacco and went into fight or flight mode,” said first responder Jessica Xu. “My first instinct was to bum a cigarette off the bartender or try and convince the bodega guy to sell me a loosie, but I knew I couldn’t let another cigarette die in my care. I tried to suture it with a little saliva, but I’m so dehydrated that my spit ended up making the tear even worse. That’s when I decided to request backup.”

A small group of smokers gathered around Xu offering scotch tape, toilet paper, pen caps, rolling papers, and everything just short of a spare cigarette.

“Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better,” said bystander Dustin Meli, as he tore the filter from Xu’s cigarette, emptied tobacco from the butt, and twisted the two pieces into one another. “This usually works for me, but her cigarette is all wet for some reason. It’s not even raining out. As a smoker of 17 years I wouldn’t say I’m a quitter, but I think it’s time to put this thing out of its misery.”

The crowd dispersed after determining the cigarette would have little to no quality of life if it survived, but Xu continued to toil with the rapidly deteriorating scraps.

“What a way to go,” said the Menthol, looking down at its entrails spilled out along the bottom of Xu’s trashed, free New Yorker tote. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I’m the seventh, maybe even eighth cigarette that’s perished in her bag this month. When will people start investigating? I’m just happy to die with a little dignity and thankful I wasn’t lit backward and thrown into a puddle like the last guy.”

At press time the lifeless cigarette was seen donating its remains to a spliff.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Meet the 4 Original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Whose Strict Adherence to the Bushido Code Was “Too Grisly” for Cartoons

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been a pop culture phenomenon since Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman first debuted them in 1984. From children’s cartoons to Michael Bay movies to your childhood lunchbox, these heroes in a half shell are everywhere! But what a lot of people don’t know is that the Turtles franchise was almost flushed down the drain before it even launched. See, the popular image of the Turtles as pizza-loving party dudes is a far cry from how they were originally pitched. Time to meet the original four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles whose devotion to the warrior code of Bushido was considered “too grisly” for cartoon audiences at the time.

While we all love Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and the lovable goof Michelangelo, here are the four original Ninja Turtles that were just a bit too “cold-blooded” to launch a global children’s brand around:

Boticelli: The eldest of the four turtle brothers, Boticelli tended to assume the role of leadership. In fact, he took his duty as the head of the family so seriously that he demanded absolute fealty and deference from “peasants,” which pretty much meant all New Yorkers. In what would have been the first issue, he decapitated civilians for “insolence,” “rudeness” or simply as a sign of his authority. A little much for a kids’ show!

Caravaggio: This turtle was an early fan favorite, and his comparatively easy-going attitude is generally considered the template for the later surfer-dude turtles. Unfortunately, Caravaggio’s fervent devotion and constant references to the Japanese Shōwa Emperor Hirohito being a living god on Earth simply didn’t translate to the cartoon’s more child-friendly aesthetic.

Tintoretto: Only appearing in two pages of the original comic, Tintoretto failed in a mission against the Foot Clan and committed seppuku as penance.

Norman Rockwell: In theory, this turtle’s devotion to the Bushido tenets of courtesy, tranquility, and harmony with nature should have made him a great role model for children. His intense bigotry towards turtles with any amount of Korean ancestry got him axed.

What a show those four would have made! Any of the original materials featuring them are now considered rare collectibles, especially the animatics for the proposed first episode where the brothers spend 22 minutes graphically torturing Shredder to death. Turtle Power!

Ska Album Played Backward Contains Hidden Satanic Puns

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local ska fan Brian Blum identified several hidden satanic puns while playing Skaranormal Activity’s new record backwards on a turntable in his basement, sources who preferred to take him at his word than see for themselves confirmed.

“There I was casually enjoying ‘Skanking for World Peace’ in reverse when all of a sudden some demonic voice snarled some of the most ominous wordplay I’ve ever heard,” said Blum before taking several minutes to decide whether to go with Van checkerboard shoes or his bowling-inspired footwear for the day. “I mean, I clearly identified an evil presence say, ‘all hail the prince of ska-ness’ and ‘ska ska ska is the number of the beast.’ It freaked me out so much that I turned the album off and burned it in the backyard. I just can’t have nefarious subliminal messages influence me without my knowledge and inadvertently turn me to the dark side of cheesy puns. The demon was a pretty sweet touch though.”

The band was surprised to hear about the alleged messages and claim to have nothing to do with them.

“As the world’s most prolific Christian ska band, we find it offensive that fans would think that we intentionally hid satanic puns on our record,” said Jayne Laughlin, the band’s guitarist, trombonist, and kazoo player. “Especially when you consider that we went out of our way to carefully weave in pro-Jesus ska-related puns throughout the entire album and in the liner notes. Like I always say, the best way to spread the gospel is through the use of clever wordplay. The fact a dark force might be clouding our recordings worries me. On our next album we will double, maybe even triple, our puns praising the lord Jesus Christ.”

Music historians noted there is a long legacy of hidden messaging on albums.

“Just put on any Beatles or Rolling Stones album and you will hear some truly demonic stuff when played in reverse,” said Samantha Greenstine, Professor of Musicology at UCLA. “One day bands will figure out that it’s actually way easier to just put your message right there in the lyrics like Slayer does. Fans typically don’t want to do a lot of heavy lifting trying to figure out whether you’re a bunch a satan-worshippers. Unfortunately, bands like to get cute with their demon-based messaging.”

In related news, Blum noted that a mid-2000s emo record he listened to recently contained hidden misogynist messages when played forwards.

We Watched Mac and Me Every Day for 100 Days and Our Editor Had the Balls To Tell Us “That Wasn’t the Assignment”

Posted on by Dan Rice

We’ve all seen bad movies. Some are just plain bad and some are so bad they become good. But then there’s this third category — movies so bad that watching them is an almost transcendental experience. Mac and Me is such a movie and we took it upon ourselves to watch it 100 times in a row, yet all our boss could say was, “You incompetent fucks, you were supposed to investigate human trafficking.”

Apparently going to the bad part of New Mexico and doing “the whole VICE thing” has a lot of different meanings. To my boss it meant dangerous hands-on journalism that exposes crime and makes a difference. To me, it meant doing something hyper-asinine and then being all like, “Hey, I’m awesome.”

Were we sent to New Mexico with a sizeable dossier on suspected sex-trafficking, complete with leads? Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean we can control where the story takes us. This one took us from our motel room beds to our motel room couch where we watched the same bad movie every day for over 3 months.

If my boss doesn’t know how to monetize having someone who’s watched a movie as bad as Mac and Me 100 times in a row, maybe they shouldn’t be working in today’s media landscape to begin with. Fuck these clowns. I’m not apologizing and I’m damn sure reimbursing my expenses! Do you know how much sticky sweet mary ganja you need to smoke in order to make it through 100 viewings of Mac and Me? I don’t have that kind of money! It’s sort of why I took this gig in the first place, chief!

I did those fuckers a favor! Human trafficking is a total bummer! Who wants to click on that? Now, someone doing something really stupid because it’s really stupid… gimmie all of that ya got!

Clearly my boss has never even watched Mac and Me once because if they did they would know how stupid it is and how outrageous I am for doing this crazy shit to myself! Do they even know that we’re dealing with a blatant E.T. rip-off that essentially functions as a giant commercial for Coca Cola and McDonald’s? I highly doubt it.

Okay yeah, I guess if I did my job EXACTLY the way my micromanaging editor wanted me to do it (like I’m supposed to friggin read his mind or something) a lot of bad people would be in jail right now and maybe I could have saved some lives. But by doing things my way, I’m saving way more people from having to see the movie Mac and Me, which is dumb as shit by the way! I should know, I’ve seen it 100 times. DO NOT WATCH IT!

We watched the shit out of this thing, and we did it on drugs, like professional infotainers. You wanna know what kind of messed up shit you’ll come up with when you watch a movie as weird and bad as Mac and Me on peyote with a shaman? I became addicted to pain pills from viewings 37-49 and got sober when I found Christ between viewings 50-67. But hey, I guess that’s not “worth our audience’s time and attention” or whatever.

Look, I’m not trying to say I’m a hero. I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes. Like, this one time, I was supposed to do something that could help a bunch of people and totally bailed to watch a bad movie on drugs. But if you’re reading this and you happen to be someone who was considering watching 1988’s Mac and Me NOT fucked up on drugs, uhm, you’re welcome!