Billy Corgan Takes off Bald Cap to Reveal Shoulder Length Strawberry Blonde Curls

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

HIGHLAND PARK, Ill. — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan surprised onlookers when he dramatically removed a bald cap to reveal a full head of luxurious strawberry blonde hair, stunned witnesses confirmed.

“This is my final form, and I’ve never felt this joyous,” said Corgan, twirling his finger through his fresh mane as if he just watched a YouTube tutorial on how to act like he has hair. “I feel light and free, and the lost youth that I have often lamented about feels like it has been waiting here for me the whole time. I spent the first half of my life taking everything so seriously, now I want to live. The world isn’t a vampire, the world is our oyster. I’ve already started writing a new 96-song concept album that will be the most fancy-free Smashing Pumpkins record ever released.”

Former bassist D’arcy Wretzky believes this to be an elaborate act, and that the frontman has not changed at all.

“He’s so full of shit. He’s the same egotistical control-freak asshole he’s always been, but with a refreshing confidence that comes with such defined, yet silky curls,” said Wretzky. “Don’t let him fool you. He’s still sneaking into the studio and re-recording everybody’s parts himself, but when a stiff wind passes through his vibrant and shimmering hair, it’s hard to stay mad at him. It’s just another one of his mind games. But god damn it, when he takes off one of his cute sun hats and shakes his head he truly looks stunning, I never noticed how cute his freckles were until now.”

A representative from Hair Club for Men who asked not to be identified is also wary of Corgan’s end game, but felt the need to weigh in to clear his conscience.

“Billy held me at gunpoint with pantyhose over his head until I unlocked the experimental growth substance for his consumption. I knew it was him because he’s, like, seven feet tall, he had all his platinum records with him, and he kept making semi-obscure wrestling references,” said the anonymous man. “We told him it wasn’t ready for human testing yet, but he did not take no for an answer. Do not be fooled by his childish candor and newfound youthful exuberance. Billy is dangerous, and we’ve got to keep a close eye on him. He may appear young at heart, but he’s still kind of a dick.”

At press time, Corgan was seen getting into a school boy uniform and carrying a giant lollipop for some upcoming promotional photos.

5 Ways To Hide Your Zombie Bite From the Rest of the Group Until the Third Act

Posted on by Dan Rice

There are two types of people in this world: People who like to believe they wouldn’t hide their zombie bite from their survivor group, and people who have been bitten by zombies. It changes your perspective on things fast.

What if your Mom was right? What if you are special? What if you and your special zombie-proof blood can save the world? Isn’t that worth risking the lives of the people who have been kind enough to help you?

Okay let’s be real, what it boils down to is if you’re going out, you want to go out with as much dramatic flair as possible. Here are 5 surefire tips for maximizing the damage caused by your inevitable turn to the undead.

Sleeves
Chances are you rolled yours up the first chance you had to project a false sense of confidence and authority. Unfortunately, it also projected a very real sense of “here’s a bunch more skin you can bite!” to the zombie hordes, and now you’re doomed. Roll those bad boys down to conceal your already necrotic wound, and if anyone questions why just fire back with “So the zombies can’t bite my arms, dumb-ass!”

Get A Tattoo Real Quick
Okay yes, at first this does seem like a weird time to ink up, but people get tattoos to commemorate significant events all the time! Really play it up, be all like “I can’t wait till this heals up so I can show you guys!” to the point of being annoying to throw the dogs off your scent.

Keep Saying “I’m Fine” A Lot
As the virus begins to work it’s way into your system you’re going to be doing a lot of wincing, panting and sweating. As soon as anyone asks “Are you okay?” it is vital that you fire back immediately with an aggressive “I’m fine!” like you’re about to kick their ass before shuffling on slightly faster than before.

Disagree With The Leader On Everything
To pull attention away from your clear signs of infection you want to generate as much chaos as possible. Adamantly disagree with whatever the group leader says, no matter how sound or logical their course of action may seem. For Example:

LEADER: “We need to collect as much food as we can.”
YOU: “Are you fucking kidding me?! What good is food gonna do us if we don’t have a secure perimeter! Stu is with me, right Stu?

Or, conversely:

LEADER: “We need to secure the perimeter.”
YOU: Secure the perimeter?! We need to focus on gathering food! Right Stu?”

Convince The Group That You Bit Yourself
So you’ve been caught melodramatically staring at your gaping zombie wound, fear not! Simply tell the group that you have a psychological condition that causes you to bite yourself in high stress situations, and before they can argue back bite your other arm. It’ll hurt like hell but don’t show it, be all like “Oh yeah, that’s good biting!”

Not only will it get you out of a pickle, it can explain away future zombie bites, as well as make you a shoe-in for the coveted “group psycho” position.

Punk Had No Idea How Difficult Hopping on a Train Is

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND — Local punk and hopeful train hopper Marc Harcourt is still currently standing on a set of railroad tracks as he had no real idea how difficult it actually is to hop on a train, according to sources.

“I always had this idea that someday,” Harcourt said while nervously waiting on the outskirts of tracks at Portland’s Albina Yard. “I would just drop everything, hop on a passing train and just live life on the rails. You know, drinking corn whiskey out of a bag while I see America pass by, dodging the railyard bulls and being beholden to no one. But man, it is actually really, really scary to jump on a moving train. I’ve watched three trains pass by already and it is ridiculous that anyone does this. Like, how the fuck do I just ‘hop’ into an open door passing by 60 miles an hour? You could get really hurt, man.”

A veteran train hobo who refused to give any name but “Sleepy Joe” was used to seeing cases like Harcourt.

“Yeah, I see guys like that all the time,” Sleepy Joe said, preparing a can of beans to be cooked on a small fire. “Idiots listen to too much Tom Waits, get liquored up, then splat. Grease under Amtrak wheels. Listen, this isn’t the kind of thing you do because it’s easy, you do it because life on the rails is the sweetest plum, hear? But guys like that will never know, ‘cause they couldn’t mount a highball to save their skin. Now, even old-timers basically get massively injured every third or fourth train, so yeah. I get it.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioural psychologist, felt that Harcourt’s difficulty was more conceptual than anything.

“Men like Mr. Harcourt love the idea of freedom, which is best represented by writers like Jack Kerouac and Charles Willeford as the sweet sight of the Mississippi River under starlight, disappearing as the tracks grow distant,” said Dr. Carter. “And it is an alluring thought to just board a passing train with, I don’t know, some chicken crates or something. I’ve often thought of it myself. But strong as the idea is, the sheer terror of trying to jump on two million pounds of moving, unforgiving steel machinery is stronger, so I recommend just popping two Ambien and downing a tall boy like everyone else and trying again tomorrow.”

As of press time, Harcourt was attempting to understand the physics behind hurling a bandana-wearing dog, banjo, and pack filled to the brim while running alongside a steam engine.

Punk Had No Idea How Difficult Hopping on a Train Is

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND — Local punk and hopeful train hopper Marc Harcourt is still currently standing on a set of railroad tracks as he had no real idea how difficult it actually is to hop on a train, according to sources.

“I always had this idea that someday,” Harcourt said while nervously waiting on the outskirts of tracks at Portland’s Albina Yard. “I would just drop everything, hop on a passing train and just live life on the rails. You know, drinking corn whiskey out of a bag while I see America pass by, dodging the railyard bulls and being beholden to no one. But man, it is actually really, really scary to jump on a moving train. I’ve watched three trains pass by already and it is ridiculous that anyone does this. Like, how the fuck do I just ‘hop’ into an open door passing by 60 miles an hour? You could get really hurt, man.”

A veteran train hobo who refused to give any name but “Sleepy Joe” was used to seeing cases like Harcourt.

“Yeah, I see guys like that all the time,” Sleepy Joe said, preparing a can of beans to be cooked on a small fire. “Idiots listen to too much Tom Waits, get liquored up, then splat. Grease under Amtrak wheels. Listen, this isn’t the kind of thing you do because it’s easy, you do it because life on the rails is the sweetest plum, hear? But guys like that will never know, ‘cause they couldn’t mount a highball to save their skin. Now, even old-timers basically get massively injured every third or fourth train, so yeah. I get it.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioural psychologist, felt that Harcourt’s difficulty was more conceptual than anything.

“Men like Mr. Harcourt love the idea of freedom, which is best represented by writers like Jack Kerouac and Charles Willeford as the sweet sight of the Mississippi River under starlight, disappearing as the tracks grow distant,” said Dr. Carter. “And it is an alluring thought to just board a passing train with, I don’t know, some chicken crates or something. I’ve often thought of it myself. But strong as the idea is, the sheer terror of trying to jump on two million pounds of moving, unforgiving steel machinery is stronger, so I recommend just popping two Ambien and downing a tall boy like everyone else and trying again tomorrow.”

As of press time, Harcourt was attempting to understand the physics behind hurling a bandana-wearing dog, banjo, and pack filled to the brim while running alongside a steam engine.

REPORT: Tracksuit Industry “Will Never Recover” From Squid Game

Posted on by Jonah Nink

NEW YORK — Tony’s Tracksuits CEO Anthony Dante announced this morning that the tracksuit industry’s image “will never recover” from the success of Netflix’s latest hit series “Squid Game,” confirmed sources who have seen the company’s share price plummet since the show’s debut.

“Sales were actually great at the beginning of the quarter leading up to the release of ‘The Many Saints of Newark.’ All the kids wanted a Paulie Walnuts tracksuit,” said Dante. “But then ‘Squid Game’ drops, and now everyone is terrified that they’re going to wake up in a deadly, Korean version of ‘Double Dare’ or something. We set up some impromptu focus groups to root out the issues and found that while consumers loved our product’s elasticity and comfortable fabrics, they will forever associate tracksuits with people getting gunned down by a robot toddler. And of course this all happens right before we release our ‘Castleton Green’ collection.”

Lifelong Tony’s Tracksuits factory employee Gus Tracksuitmacher was horrified to see his beloved company collapse.

“I’ve been making tracksuits my entire life, just like my father before me, and his father before him. My ancestors used to tailor tracksuits for the kings and queens of medieval Bohemia,” said Tracksuitmacher. “That beautiful way of life is gone now, all because Netflix wanted to make a heavy-handed allegory about the economy. People don’t appreciate that making tracksuits takes years of dedication, so I don’t exactly have the skills to pick up another job. Almost makes me wish there really was a billion-dollar death game I could play.”

“Squid Game” writer/director Hwang Dong-hyuk was unmoved to see the tracksuit industry in turmoil.

“Maybe it should collapse,” said Don-hyuk. “It’s time for the world to move on from tracksuits. That was my goal with writing ‘Squid Game’ in the first place; I wanted to ruin the public perception of tracksuits. I wanted to create a world where wearing a tracksuit probably means you’re going to get shot while playing kick the can or something. The show really doesn’t have any major themes beyond ‘tracksuit equals death.’ If you think there’s anything more than that, you’re projecting.”

While the Tracksuit industry was shambles, Dalgona Cookie sales have quadrupled since the show’s release.

Clean Bedroom Destroyed in 30 Second Rampage Looking for Keys

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — A recently cleaned bedroom was left completely ravaged and covered in underwear, socks, receipts, and pillows in local woman Katherine Hart’s brief and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find her car keys.

“It only took thirty seconds for that room to go from spotless to looking like a nuclear bomb went off in here,” said disaster recovery specialist for FEMA and Hart’s roommate, Barbara Salazar, while assessing the damage. “She somehow managed to flip the bed over, break two lamps, and empty her entire closet onto the floor when she ripped through this room like a tornado in an apparent search for her car keys. And to think they were on the kitchen table where she always leaves them this whole time, but sometimes, acts of God or women dangerously close to being written up for tardiness at work for the third time this week, are just outta our hands.”

Hart’s roommate, Kennedy Jameson, is growing increasingly agitated at Hart’s destructive tendencies.

“If you think this is bad, then you should have seen the way she demolished our living room while looking for her keys when we were late to a wedding,” said Jameson. “If she just took two seconds to place her car keys in their designated spot then it wouldn’t look like a pillaged war zone in here. But no. She has to rip all the cushions off the couch and toss all the plates out of the dishwasher? I don’t even know how she tore that thing open, I thought they locked while they were running.”

Dr. Eli Sanz, a research scientist at MIT, has found patterns of this behavior in most unorganized millennial roommates.

“In a recent lab simulation, we found that the average test subject could destroy their clean bedroom while searching for items like keys, debit cards with some money on them, wallets, and even sunglasses in an astounding forty-five seconds,” said Sanz. “It defies scientific logic how quickly a clean room can go from pristine to Chernobyl-level rubble. Katherine’s case is specifically impressive. Rarely have we seen someone foil a perfectly made bed, and a dog’s bed, with that level of speed.”

Sources close to Hart have confirmed that she was last seen ripping up the carpet while searching for her lost cell phone, which happened to be in her hand the whole time.

Opinion: It’s Time for My Girlfriend To Turn Off That Radio Broadcast About an Escaped Lunatic and Make Out

Posted on by Dan Rice

I believe that public safety is important, but between the “Warning: Correctional Facility in Area” signs, the creepy weirdo who told us “This town is cursed!” at the gas station and now this “An insane killer is on the loose” radio broadcast it’s like “Enough already!”

I didn’t go through the trouble of taking my girlfriend to a nice secluded cabin just to heed a bunch of ominous warnings and shit. I came here to do some Olympic level tongue boxing and, god willing, some under the clothes stuff.

I wish I could say that my girlfriend felt the same way, but evidently she would rather sit in front of the radio getting freaked out. If only she could see this situation the way I see it — a perfect opportunity to engage in reckless abandon and do the tonsil twist all night long.

Who cares about some dumb escaped madman from some lame nearby asylum last seen headed in this general stupid direction? I’m horny!

So far the debate over this issue is stuck in full stalemate. It seems that every time we start to make progress the conversation devolves into a game of semantics over who escaped from where and killed what entire family 15 years ago on this very night. These word games are counter productive and all too often leave the horned up half drunk jocks of our great nation waiting in the wings. It’s time to end the cycle, turn off that radio and french out hard on the couch.

My girlfriend would not only have you believe that we should be concerned about the escaped murderous lunatic in our vicinity, but that she heard “a strange noise or something” outside as well. Let’s take a look at the facts:

FACT: It was probably just the wind, or a wild animal!

FACT: It’s just your imagination.

FACT: Babe, come on!

Now the power in our cabin has gone out, and instead of capitalizing on the fact that making out in the dark is awesome, my girlfriend has opted to let her imagination run wild and become even more scared. If she would only take my advice she would be too horny to get scared. Besides, there’s actually nothing to be afraid of, because I know the exact protocol for this situation:

I’m going to step outside and mutter something about what a bitch she’s being. Then I’m going to shotgun another brewski, spark a J and make my way over to the fuse box. And if I do happen to hear what sounds like someone out there, I’ll just hit them with a solid “Tommy, is that you? Come on man, stop messing around!” This should get Tommy to stop messing around, allowing me to repair the fuse and then it’s right to tongue town. On the off chance the rustling doesn’t stop, I’ll just start listing off other friends of mine it could be with diminishing confidence until the problem resolves itself.

Okay seriously Tommy, if that is you, knock it off. Tommy? PJ is that you? Brian?…

Victrola 8-in-1 Bluetooth Record Player Gives Spotify Playlist Warmer Sound

Posted on by Kevin Tit

CAMDEN, N.J. — Turntable manufacturing giants, Victrola, released a new line of 8-in-1 Bluetooth record players that promise to give any Spotify playlist a warmer, more authentically vintage sound, multiple company executives confirm.

“Times are changing and we have to change with them,” explained Victrola CEO Scott Hagen. “People romanticize the idea of vinyl records because of the supposed audio superiority, but these same people have absolutely no interest in getting up to flip them. That’s why we at Victrola have used our state-of-the-art Bluetooth technology to develop a new speaker system that allows you to stream your favorite Spotify playlist without sacrificing the blown out vintage sound our customers have convinced themselves that they know and love.”

The successful launch of the new line of record players has led the company to record sales and left customers extremely satisfied.

“As a child of the late eighties, records have always held a special place in my heart,” said thirty-five-year-old Urban Outfitters Assistant Manager, Bryce Tennor. “However, they are expensive, fragile, and heavy as shit. I bought this crate of records from a thrift store and every single one was too warped to play. Plus now my apartment smells like an old wet library book. But thanks to my new record player, I can hang my favorite record covers on the wall like art pieces and stream them off my phone. No one can even tell the difference.”

Some collectors believe that companies like Victrola are doing more to kill record collecting than save it.

“Record collecting is a dying hobby and these money hungry fat cats don’t give two shits about saving it,” said notable owner of Hungry Ear Records, Phil Kentick. “Everybody thinks having records is cool until it comes time to replace the needle. I remember having a blast as a kid learning how to solder wires and ground cables. Now, a piece of me dies every time some grubby handed brat recklessly pulls a record out the sleeve and puts their paw prints all over it before struggling to slide it back in, just to walk away forever. My heart breaks for those tainted records and every night after closing I take ’em out back and shoot ‘em like Old Yeller.”

At press time, Victrola announced an upcoming collaboration with Apple, introducing a new iPhone with a cassette deck built in the back.

11 Best Early-2000s MTV Shows

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

Most people fondly remember the early days of MTV, when the cable channel showed nonstop music videos. However in the early 2000s, the network altered its format, working more scripted and reality shows into the programming lineup. Here are some of the best MTV shows from the George W. Bush administration:

“The Osbourne Mysteries,” 2003

Jack and Kelly Osbourne, along with their cowardly talking Pomeranian Minnie, work to solve hauntings in small towns, most of which simply turned out to be a confused Ozzy Osbourne puttering through the woods yelling for wife Sharon.

“Carson Loves Tara,” 2000

Did you watch this early-2000s reality show featuring the then-engaged Carson Daly and Tara Reid? If so, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

“The Ashlee Simpson Show,” 2005

The reality-based first season of the show featured the trials and tribulations of the pop singer/sister of Jessica Simpson, but the little-seen, retooled second season, created by X-Files writer Darin Morgan, turned the lip-syncing Simpson into a highly fictionalized version of herself, traversing a post-apocalyptic America and battling famed cryptids such as the mothman and Florida’s skunk ape for control of the world’s remaining water reserves.

“Record Label Payola Disguised As A Request Live,” 2003

In a short-lived fit of candor, this music video show wasn’t shy about the fact that they were just going to play whatever the fuck the labels paid them to play, but still encouraged teenage girls to call in requests or hold signs up in Times Square and scream for Jesse McCartney or whoever the fuck.

“The Grind: Kidz Bop,” 2000

A partnership between the kid-friendly music brand “Kidz Bop” and the sexually charged dance show seemed like a no brainer. However, while parents appreciated the family-friendly versions of popular songs, everything else about this highly provocative, borderline criminal series was pretty troublesome, really.

“Phil and Ape: Bamless,” 2007

This spinoff of “Viva La Bam” featured the parents of “Jackass” star Bam Margera simply going about their day as normal without any of the cripplingly chaotic, abusive interference from their coked out son.

“Jesse Camp’s Camp Candy,” 2000

Camp, the winner of the “I Wanna Be A VJ” contest, hosted this rebroadcast of the beloved Saturday morning cartoon starring the late John Candy while dressed as Steven Tyler’s mic stand.

“Tom Green Gets More Cancer,” 2002

Following the success of Green’s special documenting his battle with testicular cancer, MTV greenlit this series wherein the comedian actively sought out more cancer via sunbathing in Chernobyl and butt chugging chemical waste.

“Yo, Let Me Jizz On You, Girl,” 2006

This dating show, hosted by Maxim Magazine writer Chaz Giles, featured one of the magazine’s Hometown Hotties choosing which of 3 personal trainers she wanted to go on an uncomfortably grabby, aggressive date with.

“Futurama,” 2008

Yeah, reruns of this Matt Groening show aired on MTV for some reason. It’s weird, sure, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great show.

Well I Misunderstood the Intent Behind a Purity Ring and Now I Can’t Get It off My Dick

Posted on by Stephen Bell

First of all, I don’t see what’s so funny about this. I am in a lot of pain, and I’m just looking for advice on how to move forward from here so please, spare me your jokes. Honestly, they way people have reacted so far you would think I was the first dude to ever done this, which I know cannot be true. Now, does anyone have any advice for getting this purity ring off of my throbbing, swollen member?

Why did I put it on my penis? Let’s just say I’m not big on metaphors, okay? When I was told this ring could keep me pure in the eyes of The Lord I assumed I was supposed to wear it on my penis. I mean how is it supposed to help me stay chaste if it’s on my finger? My finger doesn’t get sinful erections like my dick does. If it goes on my penis though it keeps away the devils divining rod if you know what I mean.

Look it’s an easy mistake to make okay?! My cousin is in college and he told me you don’t go to hell for finger banging, so why would I assume it goes on my finger? If you ask me it’s the guys who do this right the first time that have a screw loose.

Alright, in retrospect I suppose I should have known it wasn’t supposed to go directly on my penis. When I got sized up for the ring they were surprised how girthy of a ring I needed. Yeah that’s right, this Christian soldier is rocking a penis significantly larger than his finger. I don’t mean to brag but it’s a real two loaves and a fish situation down here. That’s why I needed something to prevent myself from being tempted! Except I failed to take into account swelling and now I can’t get this off, no pun intended.

You would think that maybe my youth pastor could have pointed out the mistake when I asked him to help me get it on, but he had zero questions and seemed very eager to assist.

Yeah sure laugh at the man with his dick stuck in a ring. You won’t be laughing after you burn in hell for all that premarital sex you had during med school. Besides, even if I lose my dick it will be in Heaven singing god’s praises waiting for me to get there.

So go ahead and laugh at the “moron” who had to have his junk amputated, I’ll rest comfortably knowing my cock is seated at the right hand of the father. Or the left, if he gets bored and wants to mix it up.