Massive Coconut Oil Spill In Gulf Of Mexico Improves Hair Quality Of 300+ Species

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS — An overloaded barge containing nearly fifty thousand gallons of coconut oil spilled into the Gulf Of Mexico causing over 300 species to see a remarkable improvement in their hair quality, confirmed Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) officials posing for selfies with the animals.

“I’ve attended dozens of workshops on how to properly rehabilitate these animals after a spill, but nothing could have prepared me for this,” said cleanup volunteer Elizabeth Walston. “I’m stuck here caring for a Double-Crested Cormorant with beautifully coiffed feathers knowing full well that the oil will wear off in a few days and it will go back to being just another stupid fucking bird. There’s part of me that wants to give up and put these animals out of their misery once and for all so they don’t have to suffer anymore. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing they won’t have continual access to this sort of sparkle?”

Ulta Beauty Inc, an American chain specializing in beauty products, has lost a considerable amount of its coconut oil supply as a result of the spill.

“Like everyone, I’m completely outraged,” said Ulta CEO David Kimbell. “That ship was carrying enough coconut oil to keep our customers looking fabulous until the end of Q1. Now I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen. We had an exclusive deal lined up with Machine Gun Kelly that’s basically flushed down the toilet now. I have half a mind to go down to that beach and scrape the oil off of them myself, and maybe even charge all that freeloading wildlife market price. It’s not my fault these birds refuse to get jobs.”

Pillars of the fashion and beauty world, including Jonathan Van Ness of “Queer Eye,” voiced their support for these birds’ new “looks”.

“These animals are letting their inner beauty shine,” said Van Ness from a nearby sand dune where he could be seen applauding every animal affected by the spill. “Who gave that Double-crested Cormorant permission to slay so hard? At first, I thought it was Sarah Jessica Parker, but no it’s just Phalacrocorax auritus serving us so much style I want to go back for seconds. The perfectly conditioned hair, the shine on the feathers. Honey, I’m literally obsessed. Go off queens!”

Environmentalists expressed concern that tornadoes could also have a positive impact on the hair quality of a number of species, leaving blow dryer companies like Dyson at a loss of profit.

5 DIY Plates That Say “I Haven’t Washed the Dishes in a Week”

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

Let’s get this out of the way up top: Just because I haven’t washed my dishes in a week doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I’m just innovative. Why do all that work when my apartment is filled with perfectly suitable food delivery surfaces? I’m actually the truest embodiment of the DIY lifestyle, and if your sink isn’t brimming with old, moldy dishes, then I question your place in this scene. Get on my level:

Tupperware Lid
I guess the more technical term for it is Reused-Land-O-Lakes-Whipped-Butter-Container-Functioning-As-Tupperware-Until-I-Hit-It-Big-And-Can-Afford-The-Real-Stuff-One-Day Lid. I used the actual container for cereal yesterday morning. And last night. And this morning. So I’ve pretty much maxed it out until I get around to washing my dishes. And at that point, why eat out of a clean old butter container when I can use a clean bowl instead? Point being, I ate reheated steak and cheese taquitos off a Land O Lakes lid.

Dog Bowl (Clean)
Obviously, I wouldn’t eat out of a dirty dog bowl. I don’t have a dog, which is why boiling and eating Picante Chicken Ramen out of a metal dog bowl is clean and safe. Would I recommend it? No. Would I do it again if necessary? All signs point to Yes.

Frisbee
Nothing screams “I’m fine and I don’t need to address the growing pile of dishes in my sink” like a good, old-fashioned white bread and ketchup sandwich on a free Frisbee I snagged from the local college’s club activity fair. It wasn’t my college, but the Make Libertarians Great Again Club didn’t know that when they were giving away all their free “No Handouts, Just Bootstraps”-emblazoned merch. Once the ketchup and crumbs have build up, you can’t even read the dumbass slogan anyway.

Dog Bowl (Dirty)
I know what I said. But here’s the thing: I still don’t have a dog. I just wrapped the dirty Ramen dog bowl in clean tin foil and BOOM — clean dog bowl. As for what I did with it, see Dog Bowl (Clean).

Old ‘Crotchety Goblins’ Record (Scratched Beyond Repair)
Man, if you’ve never heard Crotchety Goblins, you’re missing out. But hey, I’m feeling generous, so here’s what I’ll do. Just Venmo me $35 + shipping fees (@Crotchety_Goblins_Band) and I’ll send you one of our records — I’ve got loads of ‘em sitting around. Obviously we made them for listening, but I accidentally scratched up a few so now I use them as makeshift charcuterie boards. Just arrange some stale saltines, shredded Kraft singles, and cut up Slim Jims, and you’re about to be the fanciest motherfucker in the scene.

Of course, when I run out of every item that conceivably serves food, it’s time for me to do the dishes… By which I mean throw out every dirty cup, bowl, and plate, then sneak back into the college dining hall to steal some more.

Hot Topic Grows Out of Punk Phase

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. — Mall chain store Hot Topic announced that it has grown out of its punk phase and finds its past pretty embarrassing when looking back, according to a corporate press release.

“This is a brand new day for Hot Topic,” said spokesperson Lindsey Chan. “While we have been known for years as a place where pop-punks, baby goths, and posers could come and find cheap studded belts and ‘The Crow’ posters, Hot Topic no longer really feels like ‘punk’ represents us and our vibe. Frankly, we’ve put that behind us and grew up. It’s actually pretty embarrassing to think we ever thought that it was cool. Now, we’re going to sell dependable, Ariana Grande coffee mugs and maybe some Maroon 5 shirts. The singer does have all those tattoos, though.”

Arthur Weir, a store manager at one of Hot Topic’s nearly 700 stores, was surprised by the sudden shift in direction.

“I don’t know what prompted this,” Weir said while tossing a garbage bag filled with ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ merchandise into a dumpster. “One day, Hot Topic seemed all-in on being punk. They were never going to change, not for all the Honda Accords and clean living situations in the world. But now, there’s talk of having benefits that apparently include 401k matching, and they just told us that the new dress code is business casual, except on Fridays, when wacky shirts are encouraged. I guess this is just what happens when a chain store hits a certain age.”

In contrast, longtime Hot Topic customer and Orange Julius consumer Ann Balson was excited for the change.

“You know, I’m all on board,” Balson said while browsing through a selection of Cardi B shot glasses and ‘The Office’ keychains. “I’ve spent so much on Manic Panic and hoodies here, I’m thrilled to be able to change things up while still maintaining brand loyalty. When Hot Topic was a store catering to the loosest definition of punk, I was there for the Sid Vicious T-shirts and skinny jeans. But now, I could just really go for some ‘Little Mermaid’ loafers.”

As of press time, Hot Topic had issued another release detailing the official company position on estate tax reform.

Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

KENOSHA, Wis. — Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can “hang out again really soon” immediately following the not guilty verdict, sources at the courthouse reported.

“I just want to say that Kyle is just the coolest kid ever. I was so honored to play a part in keeping him out of jail. I’m going to find him on Facebook as soon as I’m out of here,” said Judge Schroeder, whose behavior during the trial has come under constant scrutiny. “When I was his age, I never got to play with cool guns like that because my mom wouldn’t let me, so Kyle’s mom must be pretty cool too. Now that this nonsense is behind us I hope we can go bowling, or even better, maybe we can go hunting together. I’ll bring some even cooler, and don’t tell anyone this, but highly illegal guns and make a weekend out of it.”

“This kid is welcome in my courtroom any time,” Schroeder added.

Rittenhouse concurred with the Judge’s remarks and said that it was Schroeder’s friendship that got him through some tough times.

“I was a little worried. Your first murder trial is always the most nerve-wracking, but Judge Schroeder was great,” said Rittenhouse, who illegally carried a firearm across state lines and killed two people on camera. “When that prosecutor was being a total dick to me, the Judge totally had my back. Plus he kept cracking all these great jokes on the bench and even let me participate! He said he’s going to get a bunch of guys from the police department to throw me a wild ‘Not Guilty’ party. Someone pinch me because partying with cops is my dream.

Legal analysts and pundits expressed their dismay but admitted they weren’t especially surprised.

“The verdict of this case was a foregone conclusion, so, I guess I should’ve been ready for this,” noted journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones. “There’ve been plenty of examples of two justice systems in America, but I don’t think I’ve seen a case of judicial malpractice like the case of Schroeder. The guy was practically doing cheer routines for him. I mean, let’s call it what it was: dick-riding.”

At press time, Schroeder refused to adjourn court until the prosecutors apologized to Rittenhouse.

Legal Expert Says Kyle Rittenhouse Lies Under Oath as Good or Better Than Veteran Cop

Posted on by Tony Morse

KENOSHA, Wis. — Renowned courtroom analyst Dr. John Andersen confirmed that freshly acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse was as proficient as a seasoned cop when it comes to lying under oath, disgusted sources confirmed.

“This teenager expressed feigned emotion with a sociopathic ease you usually see on well-coached law enforcement officials,” said the trial commentator over suppressed gagging. “Historically speaking, we only see this level of deception from cops with lots of experience planting evidence, making up fake witnesses, or convincing their spouses that they’ll never hit them again. Really, Kyle brought the full package: alligator tears, well-timed whimpering, and, most of all, his white skin. There’s not a jury in America who wouldn’t have been bamboozled by this charming little killer. He has a bright future in law enforcement if he doesn’t decide to run for office.”

The mood among rank-and-file officers was jubilant, as cops everywhere celebrated Rittenhouse’s acquittal and how well he put one over on a jury of his peers.

“God damn, that kid was a fuckin’ pro,” said 22-year member of the Chicago Police Department, Randy Baker. “You really have to bring it when you kill someone, and Kyle dropped not one, but two bodies! On video! The old ‘I feared for my life’ schtick isn’t enough by itself these days. You really have to convey that you didn’t enjoy every minute of snuffing out human life and that you can’t wait to do it again. It took me years fabricating shit in search warrant applications before I could make courtroom perjury look half that easy. I really hope Kyle decides to join the force, we need more guys just like him.”

Still, community justice activists worried that Rittenhouse’s performance would only exacerbate an already widespread systemic problem.

“This is probably going to push regular cop lying to some next-level gaslighting bullshit,” said longtime police reform advocate Marcus Bailey. “I bet we start to see cops just tell juries that no one was killed in the first place. I mean, why bother to come up with an excuse at all if your badge and uniform can literally make jurors disregard their own eyes, ears, and basic senses of humanity and decency?”

As press time, Kyle Rittenhouse was celebrating his acquittal by firing his AR-15 indiscriminately into the air and crowd in front of the courthouse while Fox News hosts made cases for his sainthood.

Party Song Tells You How To Dance To It

Posted on by James Webster

SAN DIEGO — The “So-Cal Shimmy,” a brand new novelty party song, is enjoying a quick rise in popularity at weddings across the country because the lyrics are just instructions on how to properly dance to it, according to slightly tipsy party-goers everywhere.

“It was a simple process, honestly,” said musician Doctor Dap The Master of Rap. “I had the beat, and people liked it, but everyone kept doing these different dances to it. I figured, it’s my beat, it’s my song, I should get to pick the dance! But then I thought ‘how do I get people to step right, clap it out, step left, clap it out, lean back, clap it in, turn around, lean back, and drop it down just right?’ The answer hit me like, well, it hit me like someone doing the dance wrong.”

Many wedding guests seem relieved that the song has caught on.

“Just try to keep me off the dance floor when the beat to ‘So-Cal Shimmy’ drops,” said Julian Hill while enjoying his 12th glass of wine. “I work a pretty stressful job in a boring office building. I can really only let loose at holidays and when people get married, so it’s nice that the song walks you through exactly what to do in exactly what order. I’ve got a reputation for being this kind of crazy guy who really goes hard, you wouldn’t believe how good I am at following instructions.”

However, not everyone agrees about the enjoyability of these songs.

“It’s these sorts of songs that make me wish I went to dental school,” said a wedding DJ, whose business card identifies him as Max Vibes. “The longer the night goes on, the more of them I’m forced to play because some guy with a crew cut flashes a badge at me and says his wife really wants to dance. You ever seen a big group of drunk old people try to do the Electric Slide? It looks like an earthquake in a retirement home, just an absolute free-for-all of baby boomers who all think they’re going in the right direction. It’s the opposite of artistic expression, and we should all be sad that we live in a world where it exists.”

At press time, Doctor Dap The Master Of Rap was staring at a blank document titled “So-Cal Shimmy, Again”

Aspiring Venue Security Guard Practices Crossing Arms in Bedroom for Hours

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HUMPTULIPS, Wash. — Local “rise and grinder” Jake Munchen is reportedly trying to break into the venue security career field by practicing crossing his arms for hours at a time in his bedroom, sources who warned that his arms might get stuck that way if he does it too long confirmed.

“One day I’ll be known as the Hendrix of venue security,” said Munchen before wiping down the sweat on his bedroom mirror after another successful afternoon of hard arm-crossing work. “I’ve been independently studying the security arts for months, and I’ve learned that professional guards are never seen with noodly limp arms. That’s why I’ve also been working out my arms exclusively while neglecting all other muscle groups. How else are you supposed to intimidate fans at emo and indie shows who look otherwise incapable of physical confrontation? Through bulging locked forearms and a ‘don’t you test me motherfucker’ look in your eye, of course.”

Venue management are well-aware of what it takes to make it in this cutthroat business.

“Event security requires mastery of a variety of tough guy skills,” said Delia Turneke, owner and operator of Neumos Music Hall. “You also have to be able to be on your feet for up to an hour at a time and possess the innate ability to look genuinely uninterested in music in general. And most importantly, you need to be proficient at Excel. After all, this is a job so you need to know meaningless shit like that.”

Job placement specialists often warn clients of employers’ excessive expectations for their potential employees.

“With any job, you need to hone a specific set of skills in hopes to get hired. Either that or just lie a whole bunch on your resume. Whichever does the trick,” said career advisor Natalie Woodrow. “Employers are literal gatekeepers who ask potential employees to go through hoops in order to get hired. That’s why unpaid internships are still a thing. You have to be willing to be exploited for your labor and work for absolutely nothing to prove your loyalty to a corporation. It’s a bizarre power thing that employers get off on and it’s still somehow legal.”

At press time, Munchen had several tribal tattoos inked onto his arms in hopes to be more attractive to potential employers and score at least an entry-level venue bouncer position somewhere.

If This Combination KFC/Taco Bell Can Make It Work, so Can We

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Baby, it doesn’t have to be this way. I know we’ve had problems. We’ve fought. Hell, we’ve made each other sick with indigestion. But we’ve always found our way back to each other because our love means something. After all, if this combination KFC/Taco Bell we’re sitting in can make it work, we can too.

Please don’t cry. Hang on, let me get some napkins.

From the beginning of our romance, people told us it was wrong. They told us we could never be together. That our kinds should never mix. We are like Romeo and Juliet. Like Tony and Maria. Like this KFC/Taco Bell. We are star-crossed lovers whose only crime is to love in a way the world does not understand. But we don’t have to end in tragedy. I know we can overcome any obstacle, as long as we do it together. Do you need another chalupa, babe? More gravy?

You say we make no sense together. But look around! This place makes no sense either! Tacos Locos Supreme served in the same building as a 3-Piece Chicken Box? No one could possibly expect that to work either. But look at that front counter. The opposing colors of KFC’s red and white contrasted against the Live Más branding of Taco Bell, split in two, yet unified in the desire to serve delicious, cost-effective food. The only thing more pure is our love. A love that we cannot let die. Not just for us, but for love itself. Oh, babe, try not to touch your eyes if you’re gonna use the Diablo sauce.

We can be like this combination KFC/Taco Bell. We can go the distance. We can share a home just like this KFC and Taco Bell share a single building, even if it does look crazy weird. We can blend our menus. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, let’s just stick with love. We can love. And if things ever get stale we can just bring in a third like they did with Pizza Hut. Another slice?

Metallica’s Masterclass Just Four Hours of How to Sue Small Businesses and Teenagers

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SAN FRANCISCO — The new Metallica Masterclass program where they teach viewers how to be a band is being called confusing and misleading by subscribers who say it’s just hours of tips on how to sue small businesses and 17-year-olds over frivolous copyright violations.

“We were pretty excited when Masterclass approached us about teaching new bands to find lasting success. We focused primarily on the core concept, which is that suing any and every teenager or small business is the best way to create lasting bonds as musicians that want to hoard money,” said James Hetfield from one of his eight yachts. “After watching our class, we’re confident the next generation of metal bands will know how to find the right lawyers to financially ruin anyone that tries to infringe on their intellectual property, whether it be deliberate or accidental. We don’t fucking care, the money is still gonna be green.”

Subscribers of the class were not sure what to make of what they watched, as most thought music would be at the forefront.

“I figured, it being advertised about how to be in a fucking band, that I’d learn anything tangibly related to music or art or building connections. What I spent my afternoon doing instead was watching Lars Ulrich read the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act of 1970 in its entirety,” said Kellen Jones. “There is a solid hour where they all take turns hitting a punching bag that has a cardboard cut out of the Napster guy taped to it. I just wanted to learn some tactics to get through a creative slump. They took my $15 and I learned nothing, so if anyone here is a criminal it’s them.”

Editors at Masterclass even admitted they were taken aback by how little Metallica spoke about the creative process.

“We were excited about bringing in fellow San Franciscans to teach those skills as a collective unit. It ended up being more of a challenge than we expected, because those guys spent most of their time recounting how fun it was to bankrupt record stores selling bootleg versions of their albums,” said class curator Devin Brown. “Basically what you see in the trailer is exactly how much music-related content we received. We were going to scrap the whole damn thing until, to no one’s surprise, they threatened to sue us.”

After seeing the backlash, Metallica quickly released a follow-up course explaining how to completely mix the bass out of every song.

3 Types of Depression and Why They’re Choosing to Target You, Specifically

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Depression is a real buzzkill. Or a buzz inducer if you self-medicate with alcohol like I recently had to stop doing. Constantly bottoming out aside, depression doesn’t just have to come from your fucked up environment. It can also come from your fucked up brain chemistry! So we’re gonna help you treat it. Just kidding! Like we’ve figured that out. However, we can help you come to terms with your helpless and hopeless condition. And a big part of accepting your depression is finding the cause. So, what exactly did you do to make each of these types of depression target you, specifically?

Seasonal Affective Disorder
– For some, constant dreary skies, a drop in air pressure, and blistering cold winds zap the energy right out of you, leaving you struggling to get out of bed. You may even feel like your body weighs twice as much from the stress let alone the comfort eating.

Sure, you didn’t cause the seasons to change but you also didn’t live up to your parents’ expectations so you’re gonna have to at least take fifty percent of the blame on this one.

Major Depressive Disorder
Ah, the golden standard of depression. Well, more like the murky gray, listless standard. MDD can be caused by a combination of environment, attachment style and upbringing, and brain chemistry. But for you, it’s because you simply don’t want to be happy enough. Try harder.

Bipolar Disorder
The ol’ upsie/downie, as it’s often referred to in psychiatric circles. Bipolar can be identified by periods of intense delusional highs as if the person was at a week-long cocaine festival that was sponsored by schizophrenia. This is followed by weeks to months of extreme lows. Bipolar is often confused with borderline personality disorder, which has the same highs and lows but occurs within minutes of one another. It’s important to note that bipolar disorder is not your fault. It’s equally important to note that no one knows what you’re going through and they will never understand, which is your fault because you didn’t explain it well enough.

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