SEAFORD, Del. — Townspeople have taken notice of a feral rat who is now on day seven grieving a transient punk who recently passed away due to “unknown but seemingly natural” causes, emotional onlookers confirmed.
“We’re good Christian folk here with traditional values. Gratitude, bravery, love for thy neighbor — so you understand why it really touched us to see that disgusting piece of homeless shit mourned by one of God’s beautiful creatures,” said town mayor Margaret Billings gesturing to the sleeping rodent. “That little furry angel really encapsulates the compassionate nature of everyone that lives here.”
Patrick Gunderson, posthumously renamed “Rat Guy” by town denizens who had instantly forgotten his name, was largely shunned for his struggles with crack cocaine and his busker lifestyle that was at odds with Seaford’s puritan culture.
“That dirty punk junkie was a stain on this town,” resident Josh Burton stated. “Did he generally stay out of everyone’s way and only offer a smile now and then to people desperately avoiding him while they went into Target? Sure. But those shitty Against Me banjo covers cancel all that right out. I’m glad he’s gone but now we’ve got a god damn rodent problem no one’s willing to address or even consider on account of how adorable the whole thing is, and how she appears to be in some sort of love withdrawal.”
While baffled residents attributed the humanlike grieving to the power of God’s love, Officer Roy McGillicuddy disagreed with the sentiments of the town.
“What we’re witnessing here is a symbiotic relationship that has been disturbed — nothing more. A little bit of everything that went near Rat Guy’s mouth ended up in his beard too, so the rat got beard-goodies and in return provided Rat Guy with the closest thing to a grooming he’s ever had,” he explained. “Now that Rat Guy is gone, so is the supply of rat treats. Same goes for those dogs you see laying on their late owner’s graves, they’re just waiting to be taken for their daily walk, and are too stupid to realize they’re already outside.”
At press time, the wide-eyed sweaty rat was seen maniacally clawing at the gravesite’s soil along with McGillicuddy’s drug-sniffing dogs.