Bummer, Dude: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Priced Out of 4-Bedroom Manhattan Sewer

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MANHATTAN — Local heroes in a half shell The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are reportedly “totally bummed out” after rising rent forced them to vacate their downtown Manhattan sewer, pizza guys sick of sticking pies down sewer grates confirmed.

“Our jobs as crime-fighting ninjas just don’t pay enough to cover the new cost, dudes and dudettes. And it doesn’t help that Leonardo keeps bidding on rare collectible swords on eBay that he can’t even afford in the first place,” said Michaelangelo while making plans for a farewell “no anchovies allowed” pizza party. “We may even need to relocate to a more affordable neighborhood altogether, like one of the subterranean-based dwellings in Jersey City. I really hope it doesn’t come to that though. Jersey sewers smell like absolute shit.”

Daniel Carters, the teenage mutants’ landlord, offered his side of the story.

“As a recent investor in the Foot Clan, raising the Turtles’ rent arbitrarily was a no-brainer decision. Also, Donatello never let me play with his bo staff,” said Carters. “People love to complain about us landlords, but the fact is I had no choice but to raise the rent on those punks due to circumstances that were entirely inside my control. Mainly, the circumstances of me wanting to buy a cool speed boat. This should put me over the top. And there are so many wealthy mutants in this city willing to pay ridiculous prices for unnecessarily dank living arrangements that I can take advantage of.”

Experts weighed in on the unfortunate, yet common practice.

“Landlords are like real-life villains who get off on profiting from the basic needs of poor superheroes,” said housing expert Cynthia O’Han. “That’s literally their entire business model. Buy up a bunch of highly desirable sewer properties that less fortunate mutants need in order to survive, then jack up the price when they get settled in, just because you can. Forget Shredder and Baxter Stockman. Landlords are evil incarnate.”

At press time, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles signed a lease for a new sewer residence, but chose not to include Raphael citing his lack of participation in basic household chores and frequent use of the word “damn.”

Appeal of Being in “Throuple” Destroyed by Use of Word “Throuple”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ELDERSBURG, Md. — The appeal of joining a “throuple” for local woman Denise Hubbard was completely obliterated by prospective partners Micah Herrera and Lorenzo Cummings’ repeated use of the word “throuple.”

“I’ve always been an open-minded person. And I immediately hit it off with Micah and Lorenzo. After a few encounters, they broached the subject of dating, and I was really into it at first. That is, until Micah used the word ‘throuple.’ It was an instant boner killed,” explained Hubbard. “Like, could you imagine being a grown adult and having to tell people that you’re in a ‘throuple?’ Let me be clear, I am not at all ashamed of my non-traditional lifestyle. But I have a ton of shame about using clumsy portmanteaus in public.”

Herrera and Cummings were “totally flabbergasted” by Hubbard’s change of heart.

“We thought we really had something with Denise, but all of a sudden she got very cold and uptight. Then she stopped returning our texts. I don’t get it. All we want is a heteroflexible unicorn for a closed triad. What’s hard to understand about that?” said Herrera. “I recently had an accidental run-in with Denise at a coffee shop and asked if we could chat to get some closure. She agreed. But when I mentioned I wanted to get a muffin first because I was feeling ‘hangry’ she rolled her eyes and walked out.”

Licensed therapist Alisa Matham explained the common hurdles of starting polyamorous relationships.

“As a therapist that frequently works with non-monogamous people, I’ve found that the most common issue is not jealousy, but getting over all the dumbass terms and nicknames frequently used by members of the ‘community,’”said Matham. “I’ve always been of the opinion that in order for polyamorous individuals to become accepted by so-called mainstream society, they must stop using highly clinical, unsexy terms such as ‘full quad’ and ‘compersion,’ as well as stop referring to their partners as ‘Harry Potter’-esque bullshit like “metamour’ and ‘polycule.’”

At press time, Herrera and Cummings have been trying to win Hubbard back by explaining that their “throuple” name could be “LorDenicah,” “Dennzicha,” or even “Michaniszzy.”

5 John Milton Quotes To Write in Blood on the Wall To Let the Police Know You’re Smarter Than Them

Posted on by Dan Rice

So you’ve killed someone. It’s not an ideal spot to be in but hey, it happens. You’re first reaction is likely going to be to panic and try hiding the body, murder weapon and other evidence of the gruesome crime you’ve committed. You’re gonna want to go ahead and swallow that deep down. It’s time to act like you’ve been there.

Hiding the body is a sign of weakness. As soon as the cops find it (and they always do) they know exactly what to do. Your best move is to get ahead of this thing and present the body in a cryptic tableau.

One look at any of the following quotes from Milton’s “Paradise Lost” written on the wall in your victim’s blood will let Law enforcement know you’re 10 moves ahead of them, and that following you down the rabbit hole will serve only to drive them as insane as you are.

“Our torments also may in length of time
Become our Elements.”
This right here is the exact kind of shit that makes cocky rookies quip stuff like “Looks like we got a full-fledged psycho on our hands” and their experienced genius-level partner’s to be all like “One thing’s for sure, this isn’t his first kill. And it won’t be the last.”

“And feel thy sovran vital Lamp; but thou Revisit’st not these eyes, that rowle in vain To find thy piercing ray, and find no dawn; So”
Translation: John Doe has the upper hand mother fuckers. Little do the investigators realize you booked it to Mexico faster than they could say “Maybe he’s killing on a lunar cycle!”

“With ruin upon ruin, rout on rout, Confusion worse confounded; and Heav’n Gates Pourd out by millions her victorious Bands Pursuing. I upon my Frontieres here Keep”
“What is he trying to tell us” ponders the top level criminal profiler oblivious to the fact that this killing was the end result of an argument about The Mandalorian that got way out of hand. Have fun at the library dumbass!

“Earth felt the wound,
and Nature from her seat
Sighing through all her Works
gave signs of woe,
That all was lost.”
Now they’re pouring over medieval Christian texts AND the Una-bomber manifesto, you’re in the clear!

“And evil turn to good; more wonderful
Than that which by creation first brought forth
Light out of darkness! Full of doubt I stand,
Whether I should repent me now of sin
By me done, and occasioned; or rejoice
Much more, that much more good thereof shall spring;
To God more glory, more good-will to men
From God, and over wrath grace shall abound.”
This is some top-notch grade-A crazy that will confound your would-be pursuers into conceding that all they can do is sit and wait for your next move. This is the most effective quote on this list in terms of painting a portrait of yourself as a deranged and untouchable mastermind, but keep in mind it is a bit long and you may need to kill more people to get it all down.

Punk Lists 7-Eleven Cashier as Emergency Contact

Posted on by Ted Pillow

CINCINNATI — 26-year-old punk Bobby Larson is now listing a local 7-Eleven cashier as his only emergency contact in lieu of close friends or relatives, according to concerned sources hanging around the dumpsters out back behind the store.

“I didn’t realize how important emergency contacts were until last week,” Larson explained while smoking a cigarette in the convenience store’s parking lot. “It was Friday night and I was bartending down at Gunther’s while my buddy’s band Toilet Wedding played a set. Well, I had about nine PBRs too many and passed out behind the bar. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a dog kennel at the animal shelter. If I had just listed an emergency contact like my manager told me to, they could’ve easily handled the situation by dragging my unresponsive body right here to 7-Eleven and dumping me next to the Slurpee machine. Problem solved!”

Freddie Bepsen, the 41-year-old cashier Larson selected as his emergency contact, expressed some doubt about his new role in the punk’s life.

“Considering I mostly know Bobby from when he stumbles in drunk to get Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust all over the magazines, I’m not sure I’m the best person to be making emergency, life-or-death medical decisions about him,” admitted Bepsen. “But, then again, 7-Eleven does provide quite a bit for our most devoted customers. In fact, I’m pretty sure he relies exclusively on me for food, medicine, and sometimes even shelter. Plus I’m the only person that showed up to his birthday last year.”

Experts agree that, in unusual circumstances such as Larson’s, any emergency contact is better than none at all.

“Ideally, an emergency contact should be a family member, significant other, or trusted friend,” noted healthcare representative Dana Milledge. “It’s an important responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, if you are planning on listing a 7-Eleven cashier, you should at least have a serious conversation with them about your medical history, whether or not you want to be kept on life support, and what kind of taquitos you’d like served at your funeral.”

As of press time, Larson decided to list Bepsen as her legal guardian, primary care physician, and the executor of his non-existent will.

Angry Mom Demands Facebook Whistleblower Explain Why Widespread Eating Disorders Didn’t Work on Her Daughter

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Local mom Melissa Weir traveled to the Capitol this week to confront Frances Haugen, the Facebook whistleblower, demanding to know why the eating disorders allegedly exacerbated for many young teens by Instagram did not work on her own daughter.

“When I heard the news that Instagram was causing body image issues in teen girls, I was horrified, because my 15-year-old daughter uses that app every day, and she doesn’t seem to be anorexic at all,” Weir said, crying as she held up a photo of her daughter, who appeared to be a confident and healthy teen. “I’d settle for bulimia, too, if I weren’t so worried about her teeth. I don’t even want to tell you how much we paid for her orthodontia. I’ve tried passive aggressive comments when she reaches for desserts, offers to pay for a Noom membership, I even suggested she join me for a Whole 30, but she wasn’t interested.”

“Zuckerberg is giving millions of American girls lifetimes of dysmorphia. Why is my daughter being left behind?” she added.

Despite Haugen’s bombshell leaks, executives at Facebook insist they did everything in their power to victimize all teens equally.

“Our data shows that the addictive nature of our social media platforms should inspire feelings of worthlessness across all ages and genders, and any result that suggested a particular group was favored in terms of the distribution of self-loathing was merely coincidental, and not by design,” said Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook. “As a mom, I understand concern that your daughter might not get the chance to experience dysmorphia, one of the most fundamental experiences of being an American woman. From one mom to another, my advice is to lean in. When your daughter sees you as a leader in the field of meal-skipping or calorie-counting, she’ll be inspired to take up those same behaviors.”

Psychologist Marcia Preece noted that parents disappointed in their children’s response to Facebook and Instagram should still be optimistic.

“The pharmaceutical industry has made significant inroads in this area, and parents who would like to see their children slim down would be surprised at just how effective an Adderall habit can be,” Preece explained, pulling out her Rx pad to offer prescriptions to those gathered around her. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! If your daughter has shown dissatisfaction with the restrictions and expectations society is putting on her body, an antidepressant could make her care significantly less. An SSRI may make her gain weight, but on the plus side, you can be sure she won’t have much of a sex drive.”

At press time, Weir was appealing to other mothers gathered on Capitol Hill to consider joining her multi-level marketing company to sell make-up to women in their home districts.

6 Species So Endangered They Wouldn’t Survive Their Own Animal Version of 9/11

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Nowadays, just about every animal on the planet is critically endangered. But which ones are empirically in trouble? We did the math using the only important statistical figure the American scientific mind can truly understand: the September 11th death toll. The results are in and here are 6 species that would be completely done-zo if they suffered their own animal version of the tragic events of 9/11.

Sumatran Elephant – Many elephant species are endangered, but perhaps none more than the Sumatran elephant of Indonesia. Just one simple 9/11 would take these lovable behemoths out. Elephants may never forget but, if we fail to take action, they may become a forgotten footnote in the Earth’s history.

Siberian Tiger – With only about 500 Siberian tigers left in the wild, this species would be absolutely fucked if one of these guys hijacked a freight train and crashed it into a pine forest or whatever. Please, Siberian tigers, we pray that you learn from our mistakes and embrace only state-sanctioned violence and terror.

Northern Right Whale – Thanks to commercial whaling, the northern right whale has the smallest known population of any whale. In an effort to save the species, conservation groups have been closely monitoring them to ensure that they don’t develop the technology for commercial air travel. It may seem harsh, but scientists believe it’s the only way we can help. Godspeed, whales!

Galapagos Penguin – Environmental factors and predation have had a staggering impact on the Galapagos penguin. For that reason, every single one of the hundreds of terrorist threats made by Galapagos penguins each year must be handled with the utmost caution. Ultimately, most of these would-be terrorists are just crackpots desperate for attention but every once in a while they’ve been known to tie rockets to their backs and fight Batman.

Yangtze Finless Porpoise – Fewer than 1800 Yangtze finless porpoises remain in the wild. It’s been beaten to death on the cable news networks, but it’s the truth: these poor bastards couldn’t even take an animal Pearl Harbor, let alone an animal 9/11.

Mountain Gorillas – As George Bush famously declared on September 12th, 2001: “Sure, yesterday was pretty bad. But if we allow those beautiful mountain gorillas to blow each other to smithereens, then the terrorists have already won.”

Aging Punk Horrified to Learn He’s Befriending Parents Chaperoning Teens

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BOSTON — 34-year-old Ryan Conway was seemingly unaware that the similarly aged couple he was talking with throughout the night were just there to chaperone their teenage daughter and friends, confirmed multiple show attendees who were confused by all the old people there.

“I don’t get into the pit these days, so I tried to find somewhere behind the action. It was lonely back there so I cozied up to a friendly couple sitting on the couch near the bar,” said Conway. “They were really nice, but it was kind of odd. They didn’t seem to know much about the band at all and every five minutes or so one of them would just randomly take out their phone and start recording the show for like four seconds then just stop. They were both pretty cool though, they told me they just leased a new Subaru that has really nice all-weather tires.”

The couple, Dianne and Arthur Clifford, had nothing but nice things to say about their new show friend.

“Ryan was such a sweetheart! He came over to say hello, probably spotting the few fellow old farts at the show,” said Diane Clifford, who decided to drive 15 minutes down the street to use the Stop & Shop bathroom instead of the venue’s facilities. “We have so much in common. He’s been binging ‘Bridgerton’ and he had also taken a nap before the show. Not to mention he said his stomach is more sensitive to dairy now, and I’ve been feeling the same way. I didn’t see his kid anywhere though, but it was nice to see at least one other parent in the crowd, I hope he had fun.”

Kenny Balzanowiz was working the bar that night and spotted Conway just after the encounter.

“I’ve known Ryan for years and I know things have been tough for him. Most people he used to come to shows with have gotten married and moved to the suburbs, but he still comes to shows a few nights a week,” said Balzanowiz. “This is the third time I’ve seen him gravitate straight to parents who are just here to make sure their kids are safe. I don’t have the heart to tell him he was chatting with normies, because I really think they connected.”

At the time of press, Conway was hospitalized after being attacked by a small pack of coyotes that he mistakenly thought would want to split a late-night roast beef sandwich with him.

Photo by Senny Mau. 

5 Drugs To Help Get You Through the Rest of Sober October

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Fall is easily one of the best seasons of the year. Top three, for sure. However, if you’re like us and you observe the month-long religious holiday of Sober October, the hardest part of autumn is that span of 31 consecutive days where you’re not allowed to get hammered. It can be a real struggle especially when you’ve fallen off the wagon several times this month already. Obviously, we can’t do this alone. So let’s get some help from a bunch of drugs that will get you through the remaining days of Sober October.

Weed – For a quick detox, consider replacing alcohol with smoking marijuana. This will absolutely help you kick your immediate dependence on alcohol while giving you something to work towards next month during “no-weed November.”

DMT – One time my roommate put on an episode of Joe Rogan’s podcast in the background, so naturally, we now have an encyclopedic knowledge of this drug. The hallucinations can be pretty scary though. One bad trip could turn you into a guy who repeats advice they got from the Joe Rogan podcast. Terrifying.

Steroids – If you’re going to have alcohol withdrawals, you might as well be shredded too, right? Sure, my anger levels are through the roof and my testicles have completely disappeared, but I can probably hit home runs now and I’m gonna make it to the end of the month with my body chemistry entirely pure from alcohol.

Ivermectin – Ok, hear me out. This dewormer popularized by horses did nothing for my COVID symptoms, and in fact probably made it worse, but the violent diarrhea and borderline liver failure sure took my mind off of booze for a while. Unfortunately, the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about these amazing benefits.

Hard Seltzer – Don’t let the name fool you, this seltzer is hardcore. I think they infuse it with CBD because it gets you high in a way where you feel drunk. Anyway, I highly recommend picking up a 12-pack of Bud Light Seltzer to help propel you through the rest of this month. Together, and with the help of lots of drugs, we can beat alcohol.

Drum Machine Fucks Singer’s Girlfriend

Posted on by John Danek

LAREDO, Texas – Shockwaves of mistrust ripped through punk band The Distracted after a member’s significant other admitted to hooking up with the band’s Roland MC-101 drum machine, sources within the band reported.

“History really does repeat itself, even with a goddamn drum machine,” sighed an exasperated Jonah Yardley, The Distracted’s founder, vocalist, and only original member. “I swear I would have folded this band years ago if a rep from Epitaph didn’t tell us we had a ‘good set’ once in 2017. We’re basically just about to get signed. But I don’t know if it’s worth the havoc it causes in my personal life.”

“But this time, I have a plan to get even,” confessed Yardley. “I’m going to seduce and fuck the drum machine’s DC power adapter. There’s been noticeable tension between us anyways, ever since I got shocked plugging it into a power strip I had spilled beer on.”

Yvonne Norman, Yardley’s girlfriend, admits that this isn’t her first lapse into infidelity.

“What can I say? I love Jonah but he spends most of his time scribbling juvenile lyrics into his Moleskine notebook and never notices when I slide up next to him asking to watch ‘Bridgerton,’” said Norman, who can often be seen air drumming during The Distracted’s shows. “Something about drummers really does it for me. And it’s hard to ignore the fact that Roland can stay hard so, so much longer than Jonah. Terrible listener, though.”

Relationship experts admit that being a member of a band can present some complex romantic situations.

“Intra-band infidelity can be traced all the way back to the tribal chant circles of the Great Rift Valley. Some of the chants that were passed down through oral tradition clearly show tension between the members of the circle, they were really a pagan fuck fest, so it’s tough to say what the ‘rules’ were,” stated Dr. Marie Khatri, specialist in couples therapy. “But I have to admit, this is a pretty damn weird case. I’m not sure how the logistics of this affair work. Does she like, grind up on it? Use the MIDI cables to… uggh, you know what, I don’t want to think about this anymore.”

Reports indicate that soon after learning of his girlfriend’s latest act of cheating, Yardley was rushed to the emergency room to be treated for electrical shock and a torn scrotum.

High School Drama Teacher Can’t See Doing ‘Brigadoon’ With This New Crop of Talentless Hacks

Posted on by Cory Cousins

ROSWELL, Ga. — Local high school theater teacher and known eccentric, Jean St. John, is highly doubtful about pulling off the musical ‘Brigadoon’ for this year’s Fall Jamboree after meeting a particularly incompetent and sophomoric incoming freshman class, two out of three vice-principals confirmed.

“A painter is only as good as his paintbrushes. And right now my paintbrushes appear to only have an interest in discussing TikToks and making fart noises when I’m not looking,” lamented St. John. “I was shocked to learn that this current cohort of students has never even seen ‘Brigadoon’ once! It’s only one of the greatest productions from Mr. Lerner and Mr. Loewe to ever hit the stage. On top of that, they can barely tap dance. I’m asking for Gene Kelly and they’re giving me ‘drunk at a wedding reception.’ I don’t have the time or patience to work with these amateurs.”

Parents of the new high school students took offense at the outlook from the jaded theater teacher, after the initial parent-teacher conference.

“Mr. St. John called my daughter a ‘poor man’s Angela Lansbury,’” noted local parent, Jeff Stevenson. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My daughter is a 14-year-old high school freshman, not a Juilliard-trained actor. She has barely even started to act. The teacher’s remarks were out of touch, and frankly, obnoxious. If anything, my daughter is a ‘poor man’s Kristin Chenoweth.’”

Administration officials at the high school were all too aware of the melodrama emanating from the fine arts department.

“This is nothing new, unfortunately,” remarked high school vice principal, Chad McHutchens. “Last year Mr. St. John announced that the drama troupe would be performing, ‘Doubt, A Parable.’ It is a play about an accused pedophile priest. Needless to say, all of the parents were livid, and stopped the production from taking place. All of the students ended up just reciting their favorite lines from ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy.’”

With the arrival of the Fall Jamboree looming, a panicked St. John decided instead of putting on a stage production of ‘Brigadoon,’ it would be better to just show a screening of Frank Oz’s film adaptation of ‘Little Shop of Horrors.’