We Asked These Film Buffs What It’s Like Being Insufferable

Movies! We all love them. Some people, too much. We searched far and wide for people who love movies more than anything else in the world to learn what it’s like being unbearable to deal with.

“I’m not a film buff. I’m a cinema buff”
– Frederick B., Letterboxd Reviewer

“You get used to it after a while.”
– William K., Projectionist

“It’s okay I guess. By the way, have you ever seen Salo?”
– Stefan D., Unemployed

“It’s actually quite lonely. I wish I knew how to connect to real people but the silver screen does the job. Thanks for making a joke out of my social issues, asshole.”
– Genevive S., Freelance Video Editor

“I work in film making and trust me it is very serious work. I expect people to treat me the same. Do you even know what a C-47 is?”
– Alex C., Trust fund kid

“You got it all wrong. People love movies. Usually when meeting someone new I find myself listing off a bunch of movies I think they should watch like a grocery list. I then wait three years to make sure they’ve seen each one of those movies.”
– Gregg T., Film Critic

“I used to have lots of friends. I left them after they suggested Dusan Makavejev was an inferior Yugoslavian Black Wave Cinema director to Saša Petrović.”
– Sera M., Director

“Film buff? I guess I’m a film buff. I just said I like movies. Are there people who don’t like movies? Do you not like movies? Why can’t people be passionate about something that everybody enjoys anyway?”
– Jon Retiglio., Guy walking out of movie theater

“The 11th rule of dogme 95: never waste your time talking to someone who doesn’t appreciate a film’s fps”
– Colin J., Criterion DVD Collector

“De River will kill you in 1000 different ways, baby bird. Wha was de question?”
– John Voight, Actor

“Its a very powerful feeling. I have the skill to draw the fun out of any conversation by interrupting the conversation with my trivial film facts. For instance, did you know that Robocop actor Peter Weller has a Ph. D. in Italian Renaissance Art History? Or how about this, did you know that in Mel Brook’s movie Dracula: Dead And Loving It, when Harvey Korman says ‘Yes, we have Nosferato’, it is a reference to the 1923 novelty song Yes, We Have No Bananas? By the way, have you seen Dracula: Dead And Loving It? It came out in the 90s and is an okay movie. Not really something I’d recommend but if you want to get the context of what I’m talking about….”
– Jeff, B., Youtube Reviewer

IT Guy Frontman Asks Band to Change Name Every 30 Days

CLEVELAND — Local frontman and full-time IT specialist Kirk Lawson alerted members of his band Nuggitzz that they would once again need to change their name for security reasons, frustrated sources confirmed.

“In today’s modern world, keeping things secure is paramount,” said Lawson while running a diagnostics check on every band member’s phone. “Between digitally protecting the tens of dollars we secure through physical album sales and the ever-growing threat of the automatic locks on our drummer Dave’s Hyundai not working, I have come to the conclusion that, for our own safety and well being, ‘Nuggitzz’ was simply not secure enough. I’m not sure why other bands aren’t as safety conscious. Every day that Converge keeps their band name the same is another day that hackers could steal their most sensitive data like new lyrics or riffs.”

Members of the soon to be renamed Nuggitzz, formerly known as The Daily Whistle, Revilitron, and Satisfied Statistic, attribute their lack of success to the constant name changes.

“While I’m grateful that Kirk has all of our best interests at heart, this keeps fucking us over. We played a two-week tour and he forced us to change our name halfway through and it was so confusing that two venues didn’t let us play,” commented bassist Tina Firthdale. “He claims the band names need to be even more complex these days. I mean using capital and lowercase letters is one thing, but now he wants us to use a number and a symbol as well. It’s so bland and boring; bands stopped doing that in the Myspace days.”

“I just got an email saying our name is ‘Southdrive213%’ now. How am I supposed to tell people to follow us on Instagram with a name like that?” she added. “I’ll have to keep it written on a notepad next to my amp just to remember it myself.”

However, information security expert Frank Chaise agreed with Lawson’s approach to band safety.

“I can’t stress enough how much I would recommend changing your band’s name regularly,” said Chaise. “These days, you never know when you are going to log on to your bands page and find that a ska band with a huge following has just given themselves the same moniker. I do consulting for a few death metal bands and all of their names are something involving torture, and a person’s anus. I tell them multiple times a day that they need to be less predictable.

Southdrive213%’s music can be found online under their original name “Password.”

6 Forgotten 60s Folk Albums About How Their Generation Will Never Support Estate Tax Reform

Folk music! Are there any more beautiful two words in the English language? In the early 1960s, a resurgent interest in traditional music caused a socio-political awakening in the youth of America. Buoyed by figures like Pete Seeger, Bob Dylan and Woody Guthrie, a new generation of Americans found their voice in the sounds of the past, and embraced its passion for social change. However, lesser-known figures also asserted their views through the medium, and a sub-genre known as “estate tax folk” was born!

The Haymen
Talkin’ Financial Levy:
This Greenwich Village quartet was rightly lauded for their instrumental virtuosity, encyclopedic repertoire of classic blues and folks songs, and thick woolen sweaters. On 1962’s “Talkin’ Financial Levy,” they delved for the first time into original compositions, including numbers like “Leave That Tax Code Be” and “Hush Little Baby (Inheritance Blues).” It did not chart, and the sense of failure caused The Haymen to give up music and their sweaters.

Wanderin’ Bob Robbs
Bob Sings to the Internal Revenue Service
Called “the other Woody Guthrie but less so,” Wanderin’ Bob Robbs released the little-known, often-despised “Bob Sings to the Internal Revenue Service” as part of the ambitious series of politically outspoken Bob Sings… albums. No fewer than seven songs on the album directly address then-Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Mortimer Caplin, eventually devolving into lurid threats. Robbs served a two year prison stint for obscenity, which his friend in the New York scene, Lenny Bruce, called “appropriate.”

Judy DeJudy
For the Children
The “Queen of Judys,” singer Judy DeJudy only released two albums in her sadly-brief recording career. After her own parents died in 1959 in a freak regatta accident, “For the Children” is generally considered to channel her grief and rage over the thought of a percentage of her $7 million inheritance being taxed. With minimal banjo accompaniment, DeJudy vividly describes how any changes to this aspect of the tax code would essentially be destroying the future of all children, ever. She shortly thereafter retired from the music industry to fund political action committees.

The Three Singers
Try to Remember, Congressman
This one was just three unidentified men chanting “Congressman, Congressman/ Reform is unnecessary” over washboards for 37 minutes.

Phil, Phyllis and Henry
One Sixth is Too Much
Press releases for Phil, Phyllis and Henry’s 1965 album “One Sixth is Too Much” described it as “a towering landmark of political expression, set to music.” Unfortunately, critics, the public and eventually the trio’s own ousted manager disagreed and the group sank into obscurity. They had a brief resurgence of popularity when their song “Loophole, Loophole” was featured in a conservative attack ad, but infighting and cocaine broke them up for good.

Draft Dodgin’ Dave
Death is Not the End of Injustice
One of the more enigmatic figures of ‘60s folk, Draft Dodgin’s Dave disappeared from public life in 1966 after witnessing a motor accident. If he is remembered at all, it is for the centerpiece of “Death is Not the End of Injustice,” the meandering, acoustic ballad “My Estate Shall Be Tax-Free.” But he isn’t.

Supportive Friend Tells Emo Band “It Looked Like You Guys Weren’t Having Fun Up There”

HOBOKEN, N.J. — The members of local emo band Featherhoof were reportedly overwhelmed with gratitude when longtime fan and friend David Ketwaller remarked that they looked like they “weren’t having fun up there” immediately following their most recent live performance, melancholic sources confirmed.

“Seriously, that looked like you guys really wanted to get this over with and go rewatch ‘Lost’ or something,” said Ketwaller as the band silently loaded their gear back into the van. “I’m physically drained from watching you guys, I just kept hoping it would be over soon the whole time. The only time any of you even seemed remotely enthused is when Ross (Dolvin) said ‘this is our last song.’ You guys hated that set more than any paying spectator ever could and that is a fucking accomplishment.”

Featherhoof drummer Lisa Banecroft was enthused to hear the band was perceived as a tired, joyless and overall exhausting group of performers.

“Every time some schmuck tells us ‘nice set’ it makes me feel awful, but not awful in a good way. Awful in a bad way. All of our songs are quiet reflections of heartbreak, if you find yourself enjoying them then you have to be some sort of deviant,” said Banecroft. “But Dave is the king of compliments. I was in a doom-noise pop group a few years ago and he told us he could hear our hatred of our rich parents in every note. Dave just gets it.”

Emo expert Emil Truffano says that more bands within the genre are finding solace in their discontentment.

“There are a lot of stereotypes when it comes to being in an emo band, and unfortunately most of those stereotypes are very true. When you take four or five depressed people and tell them to write music about their former lovers, then yeah, it’s going to be sad for everyone,” said Truffano. “If you tell an emo band ‘they killed it,’ or ‘that blew me away’ then they will know you’re lying right away, because the stage presence should exude nothing but sorrowful ennui.”

Members of Featherhoof spent the rest of the night avoiding contact with everyone else at the show and lurking their exes on Instagram.

Man Horrified after Receiving 2021 Pornhub Wrapped

SUN VALLEY, Nev. — Local man and occasional masturbator Harrison Weber was disgraced after receiving his “2021 Pornhub Wrapped” late yesterday morning, which outlined all the pornography he “used” over the past 12 months.

“I don’t even have a Pornhub login, I use an incognito window like everyone else, so I figured the email was just a spoof on the Spotify thing. But when I saw that the first slide said ‘YASSS! In February you were really into some cheugy step-cousin depilation porn’ I knew I was in trouble,” explained Weber. “There’s just something extremely unnerving about being told I ‘understood the assignment’ because I was in the top 8% of ‘giantess footjob pov’ fans.”

Girlfriend and fellow porn enthusiast Mckenzie Joseph was particularly shocked by Weber’s preferences.

“Unlike Spotify that gives you the option to share your Wrapped, Pornhub has made the bold choice of automatically sending yours to all your email contacts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s for sure some 1984 shit that all my illicit smut searches were tracked and compiled into a colorful slideshow, but I suppose it’s somewhat comforting to know that everyone is secretly a sick fuck,” said Joseph. “But on a personal level, this has caused significant friction in our relationship. First, the shades of color in Harrison’s ‘porn aura’ was deeply unsettling, I’ll just leave it at that. Second, it’s become clear we have way different wants and needs — he’s a huge fan of ‘milf assjob’ videos, but I prefer ‘mature anal.’ I’m not sure our relationship can overcome such vast differences.”

After receiving hundreds of complaints however, Pornhub was quick to respond to many of the rumors and misinformation.

“Contrary to what you may have heard, Pornhub Wrapped 2021 is not an elaborate extortion scheme to blackmail politicians and world leaders,” said Pornhub’s head of marketing Halle Guzman. “Sure, it is fascinating to know that Trump’s favorite porn search this year was ‘BLONDE DAUGHTER CHANGES DAD DIAPER’ but it’s not like we’re offering to delete his search history in exchange for, I don’t know, 73.2 million dollars. That would be illegal, obviously.”

Not to be outdone, UberEats released its year-end list of “Your Favorite Meals You Didn’t Even Really Want to Order In But What Else Were You Gonna Do, Make a Fuckin’ Lasagna? Yeah Right, You Pathetic Fuck.”

5 Shows You’ll Probably Miss Because You’ll Be Caring for Your Unwanted Baby

Live shows are back, and the next year is going to be a groundbreaking time for music, for real this time! You’re vaxxed, waxed, and ready to… oh fuck, you missed your period. You know you want to get a safe abortion, but you live in Texas, and the Supreme Court just upheld the state’s ban on abortions after six weeks. What the hell? You didn’t even realize you were pregnant in that timeframe.

Well, shit. This is probably the least of your worries, but here’s our definitive list of the top five shows you’re probably going to miss as you take care of this zygote you never wanted.

‘TID the Season 2021, December 2022
Every Time I Die brought back their very popular ‘TID the Season’ holiday show to Buffalo this weekend, with a lineup of awesome bands and raucous seasonal activities like curling and wrestling, which you couldn’t enjoy anyway, in your condition. Fortunately, you won’t have to put yourself in that position anyway as you’ll be at home writing out budgets and trying to figure out how it’s humanly possible to afford taking care of another human person in just a few month’s time.

Bikini Kill, May 2022
You’ve been anticipating seeing Bikini Kill live for years, but you’ll be too exhausted after work and class to stand, let alone sing along to one of your all-time favorite bands. This tour promises to not only crush but to give fans the sort of empowering, feminist energy you’ve been craving as all your childless female friends grow increasingly distant.

House show at Dead Orchid House, October 2022
You used to practically live at your favorite punk house, but now that you’re a parent, you’re up all night nursing your newborn, not last night’s hangover. As life-affirming as doing whippits on the cushionless couch you guys found on the side of the road would be right now, you live in the state with the sixth-lowest maternal mortality rate, so you’ll need all your energy just to get through this alive.

PonyBoy’s Welcome Home show, January 2023
Your friend’s band planned a triumphant six-month ‘Fuck COVID’ tour, which, unfortunately, got postponed after they ran out of money two weeks in. This fundraiser show was supposed to help them recoup, but even though you’re back at work, you’re still in the red yourself, and your coworker who covered for you three times last month asked if you could take her shift tonight. On the bright side, none of your “going out” clothes fit anyways, and your nipples keep leaking through your bra — but not in a sexy way.

Adele, Vegas Residency, 2037
This might not be totally your vibe, but you promised your mom you’d take her to see her favorite crooner as a thank you for everything she’s done to get you through the past year. Unfortunately, your sitter fell through, and you’re starting to worry your kid likes your mom more than you anyway. At least you’re honoring the family tradition of escalating resentments and accumulated debt!

We Sat Down With a Bottle of Whiskey To Ask “What’s the Fucking Point of It All?”

Interviewing musicians can be insightful, but some questions can only be answered by the bottom of a bottle. We caught up with our old friend Mr. John Barleycorn, AKA whiskey, to contemplate the great mystery of life itself.

Our interview began when my novella was rejected for the third time and all of my friends were too “busy” to hang out. Whiskey showed up looking mature and pristine with it’s trademark ol’ timey font and fancy-looking cellophane-wrapped tight and neat over the cork.

Very quickly into the interview, the cork was out of the bottle and whiskey and I tackled some pretty heavy shit.

The Hard Times: Well, just fuck me then, right?! 
Bottle of Whiskey: (Palpable silence)
Yeah, no, it’s fine. I just… Won’t be a writer! Fiiiiine!
(Silence)
I mean I guess I’ve just been wrong my entire fucking life, no big deal! 
(Silence)
I mean what in the fuck is the point of it all, huh?! What’s it all about?! 

Whiskey remained tight-lipped for some time. About four shots worth if I recall. Eventually, I realized the bottle was more forthcoming if I put my hand up to it in the shape of a mouth and did, like, a voice.

I just think like, it’s all bullshit, you know? Like you get up in the morning, you work hard, and it’s bullshit.
Hey, come on man, you’re just feeling down. You’ll bounce back! 
You’re right, Whiskey. I feel better already! Hey, I bet you I can run straight through that wall into the living room. 
Boy, that sounds dangerous!
Nah fuck it, these are thin walls. I can make it! It’ll be just like a cartoon! 
Hell yeah dude, let’s take some more shots and go for it! 
I got renters insurance, fuck it! 

After doing my best to dress my wounds, whiskey suggested that we would get a better interview if we did it with his on-again-off-again creative partner, cocaine. Unfortunately, we tried every number we could think of and soon accepted that cocaine was nowhere to be found. Whiskey did spend the rest of the interview accompanied by half an edible I forgot I had and some expired Sudafed.

Right, okay, what were we talking about again?
We were trying to decide between calling our ex or getting some pizza on uber eats. 
Right! And why just those two things?
Because you are massively depressed! 
Haha! You’re such an asshole whiskey!
I love you man!
I love you too, let’s get a beer!

Fred Durst Clarifies That Nookie is About Sexual Intercourse

LOS ANGELES — Film director and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst put an end to years of debate by issuing a statement clarifying that the enigmatic, Grammy-nominated hit song “Nookie” is about sexual intercourse.

“I’ve been tight-lipped about the deeper meanings behind a lot of Bizkit songs for nearly two decades because I wanted fans to come to their own conclusions,” said Durst while dusting his collection of Osiris D3s. “I think it’s time to let my fans know what ‘Nookie’ is actually about. I’ve seen message boards claim the song is about home renovation, a regional fast food chain in Florida, and even the disastrous Tonkin Gulf Resolution of 1964. But I wrote that song about the act of sexual intercourse between two people and one of them may or may not be wearing a backwards red NBA baseball cap, not because he’s balding or anything, but just because it looks dope as hell.”

Durst’s bandmates seemed relieved to hear their frontman finally revealing the true meaning behind one of their biggest hits.

“Man, I can’t tell you how long we’ve had to keep this a secret,” said guitarist Wes Borland. “I mean, we didn’t have to sign NDAs or anything but for the artistry of the band, for the mystery of our musical catalogue it just felt right to keep a lid on what our songs are about unless Fred wants to put that information out there. We take a similar approach to Radiohead regarding the inspirations behind our art. I think Fred was inspired to write ‘Nookie’ after reading about sex in a dictionary and then investing in a few pornographic magazines that showed everything, and I mean everything.”

Limp Bizkit lyric theorist Mara Chiscon sees this revelation as the beginning for a new era for fans of the band.

“I think fans will see this as a moment when Limp Bizkit connected their revolutionary endeavors to the longer legacy of traditional rock music,” said Chiscon. “This clarification will be a disappointment to fans who assumed ‘Nookie’ was about our nation’s unending wars in the Middle East. The prevailing theory was that the titular ‘nookie’ represented the drive of nationalism, the unquenched thirst of Manifest Destiny. It turns out it’s just a song about banging and we overthought a lot of things.”

At press time, Durst was in discussions with Penguin Random House to publish a three-volume dissertation detailing his epic poem “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle).”

Marvel Confirms Tobey Maguire Will Be in Spider-Man “No Way Home” But He’ll Be Playing His Character From Seabiscuit

LOS ANGELES — Tobey Maguire’s highly anticipated return to the Spider-Man franchise is already confusing fans when it was announced that his character will be a reprisal of his role 1930s horse jockey John “Red” Pollard from the movie “Seabiscuit,” Marvel executives confirmed

“We know everyone wanted Tobey to be in the movie,” said director Alan Watts. “And given that this story will feature Spider-Man facing extreme adversity, we thought it would be appropriate to have another classic character who faced adversity. Red Pollard. I mean remember the way he mowed all that grass and rode that horse? Now imagine him riding Seabiscuit into battle to help fight this world’s Doc Ock. Needless to say, fans of both the Marvelverse and the Seabiscuitverse are going to be over the moon.”

Tobey Maguire made his motivations clear when he signed up to play the unusual role.

“I haven’t been in any major films for a while and I kind of need the money,” said Maguire. “I mean I would’ve been down to play Spider-Man again, except the director insisted what we really needed was me on a horse lancing the Green Goblin in the ass as some sort of joke. It’s a little weird considering ‘Seabiscuit’ wasn’t even, like, a horse made for battle but the check cleared so I had no qualms acting that out.”

The decision to have Maguire star as his “Seabiscuit” character led some fans to speculate about what’s actually going on.

“Oh I get it, this is totally going to be some big reveal where it’s actually the work of Mephisto or something,” said longtime Spider-Man fan Kevin Roys. “Yeah that’s it, like it’s a prank or something that Mephisto orchestrated and then we’ll see it’s all an illusion. There’s no way they’d do something that dumb, is there? And why this movie? If they really wanted Seabiscuit then couldn’t they have at least put him in the first Captain America movie? At least it would’ve been possible with Seabiscuit having been alive during World War 2. I’d much rather have seen the horse kicking Hitler in the back of the head instead of the Green Goblin.”

At press time, a leaked ending credits scene showed that Seabiscuit would stumble into Tony Stark’s lab looking for oats only to discover some special horse armor and thus become the new Iron Man.

Forward-Thinking Band Asks Promoter to Rip Them Off in Bitcoin

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local metalcore band The Demise of Saturn asked scumbag show promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham to abandon traditional currency and begin ripping them off via Bitcoin, confirmed sources who can’t believe this might be a possibility.

“We headlined a Halloween show for Froggy that was fucking solid out, at least 450 people paid, and at the end of the night he started telling us that ‘he lost his ass on the show and didn’t have cash.’ We knew this was an opportunity so we had him write ‘300 Satoshis’ and then a bunch of numbers and letters on a piece of paper and called it a night,” said Cosart. “I asked him to explain it all and then he put a gun on his desk and told me to ‘figure it out.’ It felt really good to be on the same page.”

Fordham says he is more than happy to vary his payments to bands.

“Yo, this crypto shit is for real alright? I’m offering bands a real opportunity here. The Fed is fucking bullshit ever since it went off the gold standard and soon U.S. currency won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on,” said Fordham from his dimly lit office. “I’ve already got a digital wallet all set up to pay these bands. They will just need to create a few different accounts on different crypto exchanges and have a 17-character PIN to make it easy for me to transfer the funds. These bands should be thanking me for setting them up for future success, but instead they’re online claiming they’ll light me on fire next time they see me if I don’t pay them their guarantees.”

Promoters from other scenes around the country are already planning to copy the innovative payment practices.

“This guy is playing chess and we are all playing checkers. I thought I was a hot shit when I would Venmo a band and then make a fraud claim two days later and have the payment reversed. I was doing so much extra work,” said Tallahassee-based talent buyer Eddie “Kingpin” O’Leary. “I need to up my game. I need to figure out a way to make bands believe I can make them rich through NFTs or something. The future is looking bright for promoters.”

At press time, Fordham was working with a local programmer to create his own cryptocurrency tentatively called “Frog Bucks.”

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