Live shows are back, and the next year is going to be a groundbreaking time for music, for real this time! You’re vaxxed, waxed, and ready to… oh fuck, you missed your period. You know you want to get a safe abortion, but you live in Texas, and the Supreme Court just upheld the state’s ban on abortions after six weeks. What the hell? You didn’t even realize you were pregnant in that timeframe.
Well, shit. This is probably the least of your worries, but here’s our definitive list of the top five shows you’re probably going to miss as you take care of this zygote you never wanted.
‘TID the Season 2021, December 2022
Every Time I Die brought back their very popular ‘TID the Season’ holiday show to Buffalo this weekend, with a lineup of awesome bands and raucous seasonal activities like curling and wrestling, which you couldn’t enjoy anyway, in your condition. Fortunately, you won’t have to put yourself in that position anyway as you’ll be at home writing out budgets and trying to figure out how it’s humanly possible to afford taking care of another human person in just a few month’s time.
Bikini Kill, May 2022
You’ve been anticipating seeing Bikini Kill live for years, but you’ll be too exhausted after work and class to stand, let alone sing along to one of your all-time favorite bands. This tour promises to not only crush but to give fans the sort of empowering, feminist energy you’ve been craving as all your childless female friends grow increasingly distant.
House show at Dead Orchid House, October 2022
You used to practically live at your favorite punk house, but now that you’re a parent, you’re up all night nursing your newborn, not last night’s hangover. As life-affirming as doing whippits on the cushionless couch you guys found on the side of the road would be right now, you live in the state with the sixth-lowest maternal mortality rate, so you’ll need all your energy just to get through this alive.
PonyBoy’s Welcome Home show, January 2023
Your friend’s band planned a triumphant six-month ‘Fuck COVID’ tour, which, unfortunately, got postponed after they ran out of money two weeks in. This fundraiser show was supposed to help them recoup, but even though you’re back at work, you’re still in the red yourself, and your coworker who covered for you three times last month asked if you could take her shift tonight. On the bright side, none of your “going out” clothes fit anyways, and your nipples keep leaking through your bra — but not in a sexy way.
Adele, Vegas Residency, 2037
This might not be totally your vibe, but you promised your mom you’d take her to see her favorite crooner as a thank you for everything she’s done to get you through the past year. Unfortunately, your sitter fell through, and you’re starting to worry your kid likes your mom more than you anyway. At least you’re honoring the family tradition of escalating resentments and accumulated debt!