Mouthful of Siphoned Gas Closest Thing Touring Musician Has Had to Natural Food in Weeks

Posted on by Peter Woods

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Local musician Teddie Hutchinson broke his 23-day streak of avoiding anything resembling a natural food when he accidentally ingested a mouthful of gas he was trying to siphon out of a Mazda 3 in a Walmart parking lot, sources wishing they could offer him some gum confirmed

“I’ve been subsisting on mostly stale Oreos and off-brand skittles this entire tour. I didn’t realize how bad things were until after sucking that gas down,” said Hutchinson, drummer for post-punk band Victim of Duty. “Because right now I feel incredible! I actually feel well-rested for the first time on this entire tour and I barely feel hungover from that twelve-pack of Buzzballs I downed last night. Hell, I can barely even feel the salvia I did last night. It’s a relief to know that I don’t really need fruits or vegetables, one big cup of gas seems to do the trick.”

According to the other members of his band, Hutchinson’s diet has declined rapidly since the start of the tour and has left the other musicians feeling nauseous themselves.

“Dude talked a big game at the beginning of the tour, saying he was going to be all healthy,” said guitarist Shanon Rider. “But by day three he was replacing meals with cigarettes, I actually saw him eat two full cigarettes around dinnertime. And that was the last time I saw him eat anything resembling a vegetable. Since then, it’s been Combos, off-brand Cheetos puffs, gas station Taquitos, a tub of Frosting-like stuff he found in a dumpster, something that he claimed ‘looked enough’ like cotton candy in the basement we played in Toledo, and who knows what else.”

Following reports of Hutchinson’s diet, nutritionists from across the country have sounded the alarm but also responded with intrigue.

“Please don’t do this. Gasoline is by no means a safe liquid to ingest and should not be treated like some sort of protein shake. He should absolutely be dead at this point,” said nutritionist and dietician Dr. Jayden Sappington. “The fact that he is still breathing also raises a really important question: how is he still alive? The leading theory is that whatever bacteria or virus in his system that was growing from the things he was eating may have been killed by the gasoline. But we will only know if we can study him further.”

According to band members, Hutchinson has repeatedly derailed the tour by asking to visit specific gas stations so he can “finally try diesel.”

When the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future Show Up This Year, I Think They’ll Find My Boobytraps Armed and Ready

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Oh no! Those awful specters are back, ready to teach me a supernatural lesson of redemption, just in time for the holidays! Well, even though I’m stuck home alone after alienating all my friends and family with my miserly ways for decades, I’m not gonna let these ghosts get me! When those Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future try to get in my mansion this year, I think they’re going to find that my boobytraps are armed and ready for them!

When the ghost of my old business partner showed up to warn me, it was all I could do to not hold my hands up to my face and scream. But now that I know what I’m up against, no benevolent spirit is going to remind me of all the hopes and joys of my youthful self and entreat me to remember the ultimately warm and gentle heart of humanity. Nope, when that Ghost of Christmas Present shows up to my cold, four-post canopy bed and pulls aside the curtain, BAM! Heavy, dripping paint can is gonna smack that ghost right in his dumb ghostly face!

One down!

And while Past is being dispatched, I bet the Ghost of Christmas Present will be casing the joint. I can just see that jolly, holly-crowned giant in his splendid evergreen coat, slipping like a jerk on the front steps I carefully poured water on to make them dangerously slippery! And when he finally makes his way up the steps to my front door and grabs the doorknob, guess what, Ghost-ass? Burning hot doorknob! Gotcha!

Yes! Fist-pump!

Finally, we’ve got the most dangerous of all: the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Given that he’s the literal embodiment of all future events, up to and including my death as a miserable, lonely old man, he’s going to be hard to trick. Even after I rig a kind of primitive, hand-cranked circular fan to blow the finest goose feathers over his dusky shroud, which will already have been coated in glue from the finest horses, he’ll still be coming after me. And after the nail I made him step on, tripwire and Buzz’s tarantula, he’s going to be so mad, he’ll be ready to bite my fingers off!

Little does he know I’ll already have my pathetic clerk, Bob, ready with a snow-shovel to knock him on his bony ass! Take that, cautionary tale! Not this house, not this year!

And then, off to New York City, to do the exact same thing, but in a fancy hotel!

Also, must remember to dock Bob’s wages for being out of the office on company time. Humbug!

Twitter Activist Would Use Time Machine to Cancel Hitler

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

SEATTLE — Self-proclaimed Twitter activist Rachel Morrow claimed that if they had access to a functioning time machine they would use it to travel back 1933 and use their platform to cancel Adolf Hitler, sources rolling their eyes confirmed.

“I’ve read up on a lot of history and that piece of shit Hitler was only able to rise to power because nobody was brave enough to call him out on all his whack racism and antisemitism. I would travel back to the 1930s and put him on blast,” said Morrow who runs the @racistsayswhat Twitter account, while never once looking up from her phone. “I’d have no problem doxxing Hitler and anyone associated with him! Get some RT’s from @shaunking and @deray and Goebbels and Mussolini would be shaking in their stylish fascist boots!”

Some members of Morrow’s real-life social scene are less than impressed by their obsession with social media and wish their online activism would match with their offline behavior.

“I’m not surprised that Rachel thinks about everything, even historical events through the lens of social media,” says friend Sarah Nelson. “Rachel used to go out and see shows all the time but ever since their tweets about a guy who works at WaWa posting racist stuff on Facebook went viral, they are always at home on their phone. And like, when their brother got outed as a total creep, they didn’t say anything. They just did the thing where they post about how they need some time to process and then went back to posting about racists who work at Jimmy John’s.”

Historians are quick to note that even if there was a functioning time machine, American public opinion about the German Nazis was not very negative until after Pearl Harbor.

“First of all, there was no internet in the 1930s & 40s. It’s alarming how often I have to tell young people this,” said Bennet Givens, Director of German Studies at Essex Community College, Newark. “And even if there were, Americans didn’t hate Nazis until well after the United States joined the war. If Twitter were around back then this person’s tweets about how they were from the future and Hitler is the worst would get no retweets. Without that dopamine hit they would feel completely defeated and might even start tweeting some vile stuff just to get a few likes.”

At press time, Morrow was designing an infographic for Instagram entitled “Marie Curie was Apparently a TERF: Do We Need Radioactivity?”

Where Are They Now? My Dad, Stepdad, and My Mom’s Boyfriend

Posted on by Heather Cook

Do you ever wonder what happened to these disappointing heartthrobs that left my mom high and dry in the early 90s? I sure do! I can go years without even remembering their names, and then suddenly I think, where are they now?

Seriously, if you know where my dad, stepdad, or mom’s boyfriend are, please tell me. I haven’t seen my dad since he said he was going to check out a used Fender from Craigslist when I was five years old and never came home.

Let’s take a look at the famous men in my life who have kept a low profile ever since they let their fear of commitment and responsibility get the better of them.

My Dad
Remember this old brute? I don’t! He didn’t stick around long enough for me to remember what he looks like, but you might recognize him for holding the county-wide record for starting the most bar fights at Schileen’s Pub in New Jersey. Who would have thought this local legend would go on to leave his family after he blew his life savings trying to start his own pyramid scheme. I wish I could tell you where he is now, but your guess is as good as my mom’s.

Stepdad
What a blast from the past! My stepdad, Ricky Oakland, was last seen speeding through several red lights on a drunk driving bender. Some people would call this a felony, but for ole Ricky, it was just another Tuesday. So, what hot new project is this bad boy working on today? Rumor has it, he is trying to get his gun license so he can waste time shooting PBR cans in his backyard instead of applying for jobs. Classic Ricky. Hopefully, his next project involves him getting his arse back here to sign the divorce papers!

My Mom’s Boyfriend
Let’s take a trip down memory lane and see what my mom’s cheating boyfriend is up to now. According to our sources, AKA his only friend “Big Frankie,” my mom’s boyfriend has run off with a sugar mama that he met on Ashley Madison. Pretty ironic considering how often he used to lecture me about how the society we live in no longer has any moral values. If you see this man, can you please tell him to return the $1,200 he “borrowed” from my mom? Thanks!

Best Part Of Show Was Standing Around Beforehand

Posted on by Anna Walsh

CHICAGO — Standing against the wall, milling about, or looking around while waiting for acts to play is considered the favorite part of shows at local venue Violet Cat, multiple irritated audience members reported.

“I actually attended this show alone, so even though all I did before the music started was stare at my phone, make four trips to the bathroom, and gaze around awkwardly, I still found that more enjoyable than the band’s performance,” audience member Lily Fox explained through stressed puffs of her after-show cigarette. “Between the barely audible pre-show music and constant shuffling to let someone get past, I was having a wonderful time. But it all went downhill once the opener came on, until they finally stopped and I could stand around again.”

Local showgoer Greg Caballero provided some background on why he prefers the non-music parts of shows.

“I was kind of excited for the show, but was definitely the most relaxed in the 25 minutes between arriving at the venue and the band coming on. I overestimated how much I would enjoy a band whose bass amp was three times louder than anything else plugged in,” Caballero stated. “When the show started my beer was flung from my hand and I was immediately at eye level with some guy’s hairy gut. I’d be happy to pay the full price of this ticket to just stand around, drink, and shoot the shit with my friends without a band interrupting. Someone should invent something like that.”

Members of headlining band Judy’s Kiss seemed to sense the standing-positive atmosphere.

“We were feeling really good before coming on, the crowd sounded boisterous and gleeful from backstage. But when we came on and even the clapping sounded lackluster. It was like as soon as they had to move their bodies they were pissed off,” bassist Johnny Burns lamented while carrying his obscenely large amp to the van. “I guess we just need to improve the sound. I keep telling the band we could stand to get a little louder.”

At press time, Violet Cat staff were having trouble getting a sizable crowd wandering aimlessly around the venue to leave.

nation’s capital letters lowered in honor of bell hooks

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

washington — in honor of legendary author, academic and activist bell hooks, president biden has declared that all capital letters in the united states be lowered following her passing earlier today.

“hooks’ works like ‘ain’t i a woman?’ and ‘feminist theory: from margin to center,’ are considered foundational texts of intersectional feminism,” said white house press secretary jen psaki in a mournful briefing. “but she was also a pioneer in unorthodox and humble use of lowercase lettering, which will almost certainly be her most lasting impact in the world, at least according to most of you. today we have lost a great, brave spirit, whose work will probably be referenced far more than read, and we honor her legacy by ordering all letter casing be lowered in her memory.”

“additionally, all major social media outlets have been ordered to prioritize the promotion of contextless quotes of her work until further notice,” she added.

as of press time, several members of congress were protesting the move as an overreach of executive power, after instruction by powerful capital letter lobbyists.

Denny’s Smoking Section Last Place Man Felt Truly Alive

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local vending machine technician Jeremy Powell realized while looking through old photographs that “in the smoking section at the Denny’s on Delaware in 1999” was the last place he felt alive.

“I found a photo of me smoking a cig in a booth at Denny’s. It was probably 1997. There was a cup of coffee, a Grand Slam and an ashtray in the middle of the table,” stated Powell. “That picture captured the best moment of my entire life — I had a band, a driver’s license, and I could still fit into my skinny jeans with plenty of room, all the while inhaling and exhaling Camel Lights as I built my own omelet like some kind of god. I don’t think anything has come close to that – not the birth of my own son, or even the time I saw the Goo Goo Dolls guy at Wegmans.”

Powell’s son Henry, reported multiple incidents regarding his father’s fixation prior to finding the photograph.

“Look, my dad is middle-aged, he’s bored, and he’s a fucking weirdo. My mom left a couple months ago, and his obsession with that one song by Lit, and diner booths has gotten way worse,” said the younger Powell. “On the weekend, he’s chain-smoking and bidding on ashtrays from Denny’s on eBay. Half of the basement is filled with ashtrays, so I’ll probably have to go live with my mom soon.”

Longtime Denny’s manager, Robby Jefferies, said Powell hasn’t stopped harassing him since the corporation changed their smoking policy two decades ago.

“At first, he used to do this thing where he’d sit in the former smoking section and light one up after another until someone complained. I’ve kicked him out dozens of times,” stated Jefferies. “Last week, he physically attempted to bring in a cigarette machine on a hand truck. I had no idea they even made those things anymore. This has got to stop, we’re understaffed as it is and don’t need our people taking time out of their busy shifts to remove some sad man who can’t let go of the past.”

At press time, Powell was seen driving South, after learning on Reddit that a few Denny’s locations in eastern Kentucky still allow indoor smoking.

Man Hospitalized Over Shock Drummer Is Woman

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local man Dale Harrison was admitted to the ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital last Thursday after discovering that the drummer of a band he’s become a recent fan of is a woman.

“I’ve been listening to Sacred Nectar for a solid four months now and was super stoked to finally see them live,” said Harrison while eating a green jello cup in his hospital room. “I was watching the show and noticed the drummer was super dope. Then I noticed the drummer had really long hair and I was like, ‘Whoa this dude’s hair is long!’ After that, I realized that dude was a chick, and that’s when I fully passed out. I only finally came to when the nurse started yelling ‘Tommy Lee’ over and over, thank God.”

Michael McGuinness, a nurse at St. Mary’s Hospital, went on to explain the medical reasoning behind Harrison’s condition, and how something like this can be avoided in the future.

“Women are smaller and have tiny arms. Meanwhile, men are larger, and have big, strong arms,” explained McGuinness, while pointing at a diagram he clearly made himself. “Measures can be taken to prevent medical emergencies like this from happening. You can look at the liner notes of the album you’re listening to and see if the drummer has a girly-sounding name, or maybe try googling pictures of the band before you see them live in concert. I remember finding out Lenny Kravitz had a female drummer. I’m lucky I found out about the Velvet Underground’s drummer before I heard them or I might not be here talking to you today.”

Lacy Walz, the drummer of Sacred Nectar, spoke on her experience as a female percussionist.

“I mean I’ve been playing drums for over 25 years, and have somehow been shocking people with my drumming for 26 years, so I’m used to it,” said Walz. “One time I had a guy give me pointers on how I was doing drum fills, and then later I found out he’d never even played the drums before. Then again, he probably hadn’t had a woman make eye contact for that long either, so I just let it slide. Whatever.”

Harrison was set to be released from the hospital the following morning, however, he suffered another setback after discovering that the doctor treating him was also, in fact, a woman.

Sorry I Called the Grinch “Anime,” Please Stop Threatening My Family

Posted on by Michael Gursky

Dear vindictive Japanese cartoon watchers,

You know me as the “sack of shit” who referred to The Grinch as “anime” in a now-viral blog post. While I have some to regret this post deeply both personally and professionally, for the sake of my family I must humbly request that cease your highly coordinated retaliation, which has already escalated to an alarming degree.

The Grinch seemed like an anime guy to me. Kind of like a Pokemon or a Dragon Ball Z.. I just assumed because he looked like the anime guys, “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” was an anime. I confidently described him as “a remarkably devious, if not problematic anime villain.” I labeled the movie “A Top 10 Anime.” I went so far as to describe it as “bonkers,” claiming I was “here for it,” the highest endorsements currently being given in film criticism.

The blow-back began almost immediately with Internet user YuYuHakushoQueer, who came out of the box strong with “You pinheaded fuck, The Grinch is not anime. I’ll ensure you and your family wake up everyday in harm’s way.” Minutes later another user, MizzHentaiShawty, posted a Google 360 view of my mother’s apartment with the caption “His Mom’s Crib, do ya thang.”

The threatening remarks piled on, with a few users taking it to the extreme by posting photos of baby carrots and claiming, “These are the author’s penis.” Those were not my penis. From slanderous to dangerous, no heinous comments were off limits for anime fans.

It’s the intimidation of my family members that has crossed moral bounds. The threats via email and snail mail. The bodily fluids on their porches. The multiple incidents of dumping hot hookah coals into my mother’s rhododendrons. It’s all been shamefully too far, and for what it’s worth, this is the sort of holiday destruction The Grinch would have wanted.

I sincerely apologize for calling “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” anime, and for calling The Grinch “one of the best guys in anime.” This is not the half-hearted apology of a man fearing for the life of his family, and the well-being of his mother’s deciduous shrubbery. This is the deeply felt, thought out regret and request for pardon from a media consumer who’s always learning and growing. I made a mistake. Did it warrant targeted harassment and financial extortion? That’s not really my call, but please believe me when I tell you I am cosplaying sincere regret over this error.

Mysterious Old Sea Captain in Corner of Bar Tells Tale of Time He Was In The Decemberists

Posted on by Aidan Sears

ROCKLAND, Maine — A disheveled old sea captain enthralled patrons of the Drunken Algae Tavern last night, telling a harrowing tale of the time he was the electric mandolin player for folk rock band The Decemberists, inebriated and skeptical sources confirm.

“Yar, the sea be the one beast that man shall never tame, where man’s hubris be punished by waves that hear no mercy,” the captain said in a lilting, harmonious voice. “But it can’t compare to the time The Decemberists had our west coast tour in ‘05. Crazy times. And we were really feeling ourselves creatively then. Yar.”

While some bargoers report being enthralled by the sea captain’s story, others claim that they found the amount of traditional and literary references to be a bit overkill.

“I was hanging on every word he was saying,” said amateur fisherman and barfly Charlie Holland. “Perfect storms, men going overboard, that time in Denver when the car rental place was out of big cars so they had to fit seven different string instruments in a Toyota Camry. I don’t know whether it was because of the cold, briny air or the eight Narragansetts I’d had, but it was hard to tell where fact ended and fiction began. My buddy even wondered if the captain was actually a ghost who died on the water and haunted this bar, but he was out-of-his-mind hammered, so I don’t know about that.”

Other bar patrons questioned the sea captain’s veracity, with some believing he wasn’t a fisherman at all, and that his “old-timey sea shanty aesthetic” was just a vibe he liked.

“Look, it’s Maine,” Drunken Algae bartender Ronny Moore said. “We get a lot of guys in here with big beards and thick sweaters and sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s drinking because they’re into craft beer and who’s drinking because the sea took their son. The one thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to play The Decemberists in my bar. Like, come on, dude.”

When reached for additional comment, the sea captain was standing on top of a lighthouse cackling mad at the crashing of the waves while singing excerpts from “The Crane Wife.”

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