Review: Oasis “Definitely, Maybe”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the 1994 album that everyone mistakes for the one with “Wonderwall” on it, “Definitely, Maybe,” from “Wonderwall” superstars, Oasis.

With fall now officially here and the cozy, reassuring feeling that comes with the inevitable death and decaying of everything around us, I’ve been feeling nostalgic for something familiar. As all of my exes have me blocked, and my hometown is off limits as I will probably run into my ex-step-dad Rick and just can’t afford to pay him back right now, revisiting old people and places is just not possible.

So what better way to feel weirdly sad about life than to listen to an old song, and what better song encapsulates “my best days are behind me and my jawline is never coming back” than “Wonderwall”?

Oasis’ “Definitely, Maybe” is an album that really makes you work for it, as you have to listen to it several times and still won’t find this song on there. Starting off with “Rock n’ Roll Star,” you’ll probably think, “OK, it’s not unusual for a band to have some random song that isn’t the one you know as the first track.” I mean, something has to go first. But then you get three songs in, and it’s still not “Wonderwall,” which is gonna make you want to skip ahead, but you won’t because you know that waiting just makes the moment that much sweeter (and I’m pretty sure is the idea behind why my ex from the summer of 2003 still hasn’t returned my emails or bounced-back AIM message requests. What a delicious little game we play, huh AstroCreep6669?)

By the time you get to “Supersonic,” which you’ll mistake as something exciting since you think you remember a band with the same name being big around the same time as “Wonderwall,” you may be tempted to give up, but give up you will not! Mostly because you think those Gallagher boys may have pulled the old “Knights of Cydonia-we’re-gonna-make-the-song-you-came-here-for-be-the-last-track-on-the-album” move, which is equal parts classic and very frustrating, and, on an unrelated note, is how my sexual moves have been described on more than one occasion.

However, the last song on the album is definitely not “Wonderwall” either, and I’m starting to think that maybe that song got my weak mind in some sort of Mandela effect trickery and doesn’t exist at all. I have been doing a lot of whip-it’s since the 90s, so really anything is possible.

SCORE: One out of Five stars, not because “Wonderwall” is nowhere to be found on it, but because the chord progressions throughout just feel a little immature.

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Roommates Spell Out “B-A-T-H” So as Not to Scare Punk

Posted on by John Danek

MANHATTAN, Kan. — The roommates of lifelong punk Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens have learned to whisper and spell out the word “bath” when discussing their malodorous roommate’s hygiene habits, the tenants reported.

“Sloshed always smells like shit, and we learned over time that just coming out and saying the word ‘bath’ results in mayhem,” confessed longtime roommate Yolanda Harris, who frequently shoves dryer sheets into nooks and crannies of Stevens’ room and clothing. “He’ll start panting and running around in circles incoherently yelling about ‘the man’ and ‘natural bodily oils’ and ‘Dr. Bronner was a facist’. I think it’s time to address getting him ‘n-e-u-t-e-r-e-d’ so this cycle can’t continue.”

Herbert “Sloshed” Stevens claims that he abstains from typical hygiene practices for “philosophical” reasons.

“If people won’t accept me for who I am and how I choose to treat my body, fuck them. They don’t deserve me,” said Stevens, who is frequently seen in public with a trickle of blood coming from one or both ears. “I’m not going to change the way I live my life just to fit into someone’s narrow, palatable worldview. And for the record, I’m not scared of the word ‘b-h-t-h’ because I always get cookies after and sometimes people even let me ride in their car.”

Dermatologists agree that patients who adhere to a punk lifestyle tend to be the most difficult to treat.

“Punks have skin that defies modern medical explanation, and I shudder every time one of those disgusting freaks walks in,” said Dr. Emma Federov, of the American Board of Dermatology. “It’s as if the smell of Pall Malls and malt liquor gets baked into the skin, like some sort of anti-social brine. Loved ones have to be careful not to scare punks away from bathing entirely, but they should take precautions to not get hurt in the process.”

Stevens’ roommates continue to devise clever methods to improve the living situation, including gifting him a leather studded flea collar which he happily wears obliviously.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Elderly Woman On Deathbed Finally Lets Husband Untie Mysterious Green Ribbon Around Her Neck, Revealing Sublime Tattoo

Posted on by Eli Johnson

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Jenny Fitzsimmons allowed her husband Alfred to remove the enigmatic green ribbon she’s worn around her neck since the first day they met, unveiling a tattoo referencing the reggae-rock and ska band, Sublime, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“Alfred has been patient with me for nearly 60 years,” Fitzsimmons explained. “Not even on our wedding night did I reveal to him the secret that the ribbon kept. I’m sorry to have kept him in the dark these many years, but after he untied it, he immediately understood why I could not tell him before, and even helped me tie it back on before anyone else had a chance to see. He said it was either that or a closed casket when the time comes.”

An unfolding of the mysterious ribbon in question revealed the face of the tattooed sun from the popular Southern California musical group’s 1992 debut album, “40oz. to Freedom.”

“I was horrified,” Alfred Fitzsimmons said. “She was always cagey about her past, but I never took my beautiful wife to be such a diehard fan. I suppose there were always signs. Every February 22 she would smoke two joints, which I realize now is Bradley Nowell’s birthday. When she went through her dreadlocks phase, I didn’t protest and stood by her side. I remember she used to hum this beautiful melody to our children as a lullaby, which I’m realizing now was just the chorus to ‘Santeria.’”

Some have dismissed the ghastly story as nothing more than rumors and hearsay.

“This is actually a popular urban legend, with variations dating back as early as the mid-18th century,” said Professor of Folklore at Christopher Newport University, Daniel Gleason. “There’s the story of the red anklet that hides a Misfits tattoo, the key that unlocks an attic full of KISS merchandise, the Flying Dutchman Jimmy Buffet cruise ship — all just tall tales concocted to frighten people. Why, one might suspect the turtlenecks I wear every day are also hiding a dark secret, say, a Phish neck tattoo, which is of course ridiculous, and a detail that only my one true love will know, someday.”

Reportedly, as her dying wish, Jenny asked her husband to disperse her ashes into a dog food bowl labeled “Lou Dog.”

Opinion: Forcing Me To Wear a Mask To Receive Candy Is Communism

Posted on by Dan Rice

There is a specter haunting Halloween — the specter of communism.

My name is Toby Masterson. I am 12 years old. You don’t know me, but come October 31st you just may find me knocking on your door to receive candy. Candy that I am legally entitled to, regardless of whether or not I am wearing a mask on my face.

The liberal media would have you believe that Halloween is a day where the walls between the living and the dead are weakest and that we must wear scary masks to spook away evil spirits so they don’t haunt us. Well, I have done my own research, and I consider this to be a provably untrue scare-tactic concocted by the deep state. They just want to break our spirit by proving they can get us to dress up in silly outfits whenever they want.

As a fixed-income child, Halloween candy allows me to supplement my candy consumption for the entire year. I depend on that candy, and the government has no right to tell me what I need to wear on my face in order to earn it.

It’s no surprise that that commie bastard “Sleepy” Joe Biden — a rank and file member of the liberal elite who has never had to earn a piece of candy in his entire life — doesn’t know that trick or treating can take a tremendous toll on the cardiovascular system. You’re walking the whole time with an ever growing bag of candy weighing you down. After a while, it gets pretty hard to breathe under my Jason mask, and I like to take it off, an act that is apparently considered by Marxist swine to be “not in the Halloween spirit.”

FACT: Satanic possession claims more children every year than Halloween specters.

FACT: There is no scientific evidence that wearing a spooky mask prevents someone from contracting a ghost or spreading said ghost to others.

FACT: Young, healthy people with normally functioning souls are perfectly capable of fending off a spiritual possession and may not even display symptoms of possession.

I understand perfectly well that by not wearing a spooky mask I am at risk of becoming infected by an unholy spirit or entity. What you need to understand is that it is my choice to take that risk. This is a democracy, and you have no right to enforce your “safety standards” on me.

Also, would it kill you to spring for full-size Reese’s cups? “Fun size?” Sounds like another word for socialism to me.

Rich Family Giving Out Full Copies of “Chung King Can Suck It”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WARRENTON, Va. — Local children were confused by the Halloween offerings of Mr. and Mrs. Owens, who handed out full-sized copies of Judge’s rare 1989 “Chung King Can Suck It” LP, multiple adorable ghouls, ghosts, and witches confirmed.

“The last time we were able to celebrate we went all out and gave away jumbo bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and kids went nuts for them, so we needed to outdo ourselves now that Halloween is back,” said Leanna Owens from her heavily decorated front door. “We knew candy just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. We considered giving every kid one Bitcoin, but those prices are so volatile. We wanted to give away something that retains value, so we spent most of the year on eBay buying up all the copies of ‘Chung King’ we could find. So far the reaction has been sort of muted: one kid tossed his in the bushes, and I had to stop a Frankenstein from trying to eat his copy.”

“Lots of dads with tattoos are really excited by the record though, so seeing the smile on their faces makes it all worth it,” she added.

Kids that traveled across town to the “rich people houses” admitted they were disappointed by the valuable treats.

“I was on a frickin’ roll all night. One house gave out Snickers bars the size of my leg, and another house used a snow shovel to scoop Skittles into my bag. It was frickin’ awesome,” said 8-year-old Tommy Boster, dressed as a mutant chicken. “Then we got to the big house at the end of the street and they handed me a smelly old record. My grandma has like 40 bajillion of those. Just give me a toothbrush or something next time, at least I can use one of those to clean my trucks.”

Consumer trend analysts note that neighborly one-upmanship surrounding Halloween can often lead to misguided holiday efforts.

“If someone is giving out full-sized bags of M&Ms, their neighbor might feel obligated to give out ‘Family Sized’ bags. I toured one neighborhood where a family decorated their lawn with tombstones and their neighbor tried to up the stakes by decorating their lawn with actual corpses they stole from a morgue,” said Charlie Harraway. “Just remember that children only want candy. Don’t hand out raisins, don’t hand out pennies, and definitely don’t hand out hand-numbered copies of my favorite record unless you know my kid is stopping by.”

The Owens’ are already brainstorming ideas for next Halloween and are expected to give away original versions of the “AN” American Nightmare zip-up hoodies.

How to Talk Your Narc Kid Into Mischief Night

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

Mischief night is a longstanding American youth tradition. Between the throwing of toilet paper and the leaving of flaming bags of dog poo, this “Devil’s Night” has provided a safe space for the symbolic destruction needed to satiate teenage rebellious urges. It’s basically the purge for kids in juvie.

But youth rebellion is changing and many kids, my son included, have become complete narcs about mischief night! How do we go about getting today’s kids to this wonderful tradition when they run to tell their Mom when I so much as look at a carton of jumbo eggs?

Incentivize – Don’t forget you’re one night away from Halloween, the second biggest candy cash cow of the year, behind November 1st. You don’t even need to spend money tonight though! Remind your kid that you can always drive to the rich neighborhoods in exchange for silence. I’ve known a few 12-year-olds that would keep their mouths shut about the murder of their own mother to upgrade from fun-size to full.

Encourage Social Pressures – Go around the neighborhood a few days beforehand telling kids about how you hear your child is “up to no good” and other things that will make your child sound cool and dangerous. Now if they don’t deliver when the pressure’s on, they can expect swift retribution at the hands of their peers.

Punish Them Anyway – Narc kids need to learn early that snitches get stitches. By assuming the rightful role of head tough-parent, you become the rule creator. Hey kiddo, good luck telling the cops how I nailed Mrs. Johnson’s Chevelle with at least half a dozen Grade A whites when you’re grounded from your phone and the family vacation is canceled if you touch it. Having kids rules.

10 Dumbest Decisions You Can Make in a Horror Movie

Posted on by Ted Pillow

How many times have you been watching a scary movie and couldn’t help shouting, “Don’t go in there!” Here are ten of the worst, most idiotic decisions guaranteed to result in a gruesome horror film demise.

Visiting a small town in the middle of nowhere

This is always a recipe for disaster. At best, you’ll discover a bizarre pagan cult run by a gang of murderous children. At worst, they might not even have a Jersey Mike’s.

Staying Overnight at an Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital Built on a Native American Burial Ground without Checking the Yelp Reviews First


Wow, this must be your first horror movie, huh? Of COURSE the abandoned psychiatric hospital built on a Native American burial ground looked like it had a lot of character in the listing photos. But did you even make sure it has free parking on the premises?!?

Saying “Sure, I Guess That Could Work…” to M. Night Shyamalan

No, he’s not kidding. If you don’t tell M. Night no, he will 100% do whatever crazy ass nonsense he typed into his phone’s notepad at 3 a.m. the night before shooting. Great, now it turns out that the monster was actually just a metaphor for homelessness and you can kill it by giving it a hug or some bullshit.

Having Sex with Bobby Joe Down by the Old Boathouse

Everyone knows that any character in an ‘80s horror movie who gets laid is bound to be brutally murdered. This is because slasher movies have a deeply ingrained moralistic subtext, and also because they were almost exclusively made by male virgins.

Searching a Room Full of Potential Weapons for Something to Defend Yourself With and Choosing a Rolled-Up Newspaper

What’re you going to do, swat the monster to death? It’s not a fly! Unless it actually is the Fly, in which case…good call, I guess.

Buy an Antique

First of all, it’s definitely cursed, just look at the weird ass facial expression the cashier had when you bought it. Second, since when did you become your Aunt Sharon? What’s next, you’re going to start drinking Earl Grey tea and watching “Dancing With the Stars”?

Taking a Shower in a Roadside Motel

A.) The creepy desk clerk is watching you shower. B.) He’s going to stab you to death. C.) The water pressure is absolute garbage, you can’t regulate the water temperature, the grout situation is fucked, and the shampoo and body wash are in weird, little unmarked bottles. Gross.

Assuming Your Parents Weren’t Part of a Vigilante Mob that Tracked Down a Child Killer and Burned Him Alive

Dude, do you ever even listen to your parents? Your dad gave me a ride home from soccer practice literally once and he spent the entire drive bragging about the time he and his neighbors cornered a child killer in a boiler room back in the day and straight up murdered his ass. Then he made us listen to Aerosmith.

Be Craig T. Nelson

You’re Emmy-winning actor Craig T. Nelson and you expect to survive this horror movie? Get fucked, buddy.

Expecting the Cops to Help You

Horror movies are unrealistic, but they’re not that unrealistic.

American Watching Squid Game Doesn’t See What’s So Scary About Playing School Yard Games While Being Shot At

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WESTFIELD, Ind. — Local man Tom Simmons remains totally perplexed as to why everyone who watched “Squid Game” found the idea of getting shot at while playing school yard games so frightening.

“So I’m watching ‘Squid Guys’ or whatever. And there’s this supposedly ‘horrifying’ scene where they play ‘Red Light, Green Light’ and everyone gets shot. Big yawn. Maybe in Korea that’s scary, but here in the USA that’s just a fact of life. It’s practically a part of our public school curriculums,” said Simmons. “Then, spoiler alert, it turns out some old rich dude was pulling the strings and it’s a metaphor for how capitalism is a zero-sum game or whatever. I work 60 hours a week and can’t afford health insurance, bro. Tell me something I don’t know. Boring.”

Girlfriend Sydney Watkinson noted Simmons frequently “misses the point” of most shows and movies.

“Tom turns up his nose at pretty much anything that isn’t ‘Storage Wars’ reruns. But even worse, he’s completely numb to any media that criticizes America. Because apparently children living in constant fear of getting mowed down by an assault rifle is ‘the cost of freedom, don’t tread on me,’” said Watkinson. “It was the same with ‘Black Mirror.’ Rather than focus on the horrors of late stage capitalism and surveillance states, he couldn’t get over how ‘everyone talked stupid.’ Is it possible he’s never heard British accents before?”

Netflix executive Vanessa Maynard said the company is aware of some Americans’ reaction to the hit show.

“As is standard in Hollywood when it comes to successful foreign TV shows, Netflix is exploring how we can ruin ‘Squid Game’ by adapting it for American audiences. The problem is most of us here are totally desensitized. Extreme violence? Inequality? Economic Stress? We’ve got that stuff coming out of our ears here in the Greatest Country in the World,” said Maynard. “Hell, the planet is literally dying all around us and we’ve collectively shrugged and then returned to guzzling down frappuccinos. I don’t think a game of ‘Red Rover’ with barbed wire or some shit is going to cut it.”

At press time, Netflix corporate office is fielding thousands of calls a day from Americans desperate to know if “Squid Game” is a real contest, and how they can sign up.

Second Responders Unable to Save Victim of Police Standoff

Posted on by James Howe

PINOLE, Calif. — Emergency Medical responders arrived at the site of a psychiatric distress call late Wednesday to find Sheriff’s Deputies already wildly firing their weapons into the home of Thomas Williams, multiple witnesses confirm.

“We did everything we could but ultimately in these situations you know you’re in for a heavy lift when you’re the second on the scene,” said EMT Franklin Douthat. “The officers shot the young man more than 30 times, and it appears they each reloaded at least once before releasing their dogs on him. The mother had a wound on her head and a bullet grazed her thigh. We were able to patch her up, but we pronounced the son dead as soon as the officers stopped laughing and posing for photos with the body.”

Neighbors who witnessed the shooting say the police response was a gross overreaction.

“I had seen Tom just an hour before while he was walking home from his part-time job reading to the elderly. But then I heard the yelling,” confirmed next-door neighbor Artie Keelin. “Tom was on the front porch having an episode. His parents tried all the usual tricks, but nothing worked. I don’t know who called 911 but all of a sudden 15 squad cars showed up and basically started to open fire. Two of them kicked in my front door, shot my salt-water fish tank, and spat on a portrait of my great aunt and they claimed it was to get a better tactical vantage point.”

Details of the stand-off have not been confirmed by the Contra Costa Sheriff Department.

“We must remember policing is dangerous. When the officers arrived, they may have been spooked by some of the Halloween decorations and did what any reasonable person would have done in the situation,” said county representative Aaron Kitland. “Furthermore, upon a thorough search of the home, Deputies found several objects that could be used as weapons. We will conduct a full internal investigation after the officers have deposited their bonus checks and received their trophies in the mail.”

Douthat treated four officers involved in the shooting for minor hand injuries that occurred while they were all vigorously high-fiving each other next to the dead body.

Feminist Win: This Size-inclusive Clothing Store Offers XXXXS To Large

Posted on by Claire Brown

Are you sick of the big chain stores and their constricting sizes? If so, feminism just got a huge win in the form of Layla’s, the female-owned boutique that’s revolutionizing shopping for women of all body types. This size-inclusive store offers pieces ranging all the way from XXXXS to large!

According to the store’s owner, Layla Blankenship, “Before opening this store, I always felt that the confines of small, medium, and large weren’t fitting for women like myself. One day, after combing the shelves of Gucci, Balenciaga, and Valentino looking for an XXXXS, I simply couldn’t believe how out-of-touch my favorite stores were with the average woman.”

Walking through Layla’s feels like liberation from the expectations of femininity. No matter your body type, you’re always welcome at Layla’s. And customers, particularly the tiny ones, are feeling that love.

According to shopper Maddy Orleans, “I absolutely love Layla’s. I could be shopping at one of the other stores if I wanted to, but shopping at Layla’s allows me to support women all over the world, like the little girls making these clothes who are empowered by getting to learn sewing and other career skills at such a young age.”

Some customers, particularly ones suffering from being curvy, have offered mixed feedback. But Layla’s is always striving to do better! Their goal is to create a world in which all paying customers feel safe in their own bodies. While corporations, lawmakers, and society in general may not have women’s best interests at heart, people like Layla Blankenship are on a mission to make all women feel good about their bodies. Ya know, as long as they’re rich enough to afford designer clothes.