BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local vending machine technician Jeremy Powell realized while looking through old photographs that “in the smoking section at the Denny’s on Delaware in 1999” was the last place he felt alive.
“I found a photo of me smoking a cig in a booth at Denny’s. It was probably 1997. There was a cup of coffee, a Grand Slam and an ashtray in the middle of the table,” stated Powell. “That picture captured the best moment of my entire life — I had a band, a driver’s license, and I could still fit into my skinny jeans with plenty of room, all the while inhaling and exhaling Camel Lights as I built my own omelet like some kind of god. I don’t think anything has come close to that – not the birth of my own son, or even the time I saw the Goo Goo Dolls guy at Wegmans.”
Powell’s son Henry, reported multiple incidents regarding his father’s fixation prior to finding the photograph.
“Look, my dad is middle-aged, he’s bored, and he’s a fucking weirdo. My mom left a couple months ago, and his obsession with that one song by Lit, and diner booths has gotten way worse,” said the younger Powell. “On the weekend, he’s chain-smoking and bidding on ashtrays from Denny’s on eBay. Half of the basement is filled with ashtrays, so I’ll probably have to go live with my mom soon.”
Longtime Denny’s manager, Robby Jefferies, said Powell hasn’t stopped harassing him since the corporation changed their smoking policy two decades ago.
“At first, he used to do this thing where he’d sit in the former smoking section and light one up after another until someone complained. I’ve kicked him out dozens of times,” stated Jefferies. “Last week, he physically attempted to bring in a cigarette machine on a hand truck. I had no idea they even made those things anymore. This has got to stop, we’re understaffed as it is and don’t need our people taking time out of their busy shifts to remove some sad man who can’t let go of the past.”
At press time, Powell was seen driving South, after learning on Reddit that a few Denny’s locations in eastern Kentucky still allow indoor smoking.