Aging Goth Pushes Through Daily 170-Minute Makeup Ritual

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate makeup to make them look spooky to the average citizen, confirmed sources who wish they had showered before Montresor went into the bathroom.

“When I was sixteen, this was a snap,” Montresor said while gesturing at a bathroom counter full of various grease-paints and eyeliners. “Not only was it part of my identity as a goth, it was something I loved to do. The layers of primer, the color corrections, the smoky eyes that differentiate me as a creature of darkness, far from the shallow daylight world, it all felt sensual and mysterious. Now, it’s just a fucking drag. I’m 38, staying up all night in noisy clubs is a nightmare, and spending nearly three hours a day with this shit doesn’t really seem worth it. My pores are clogged to shit. But I’m a goth elder now, and all the baby goths look up to me as a role model. I can’t let them down.”

Montresor’s sister, Janey Taddsmith, has witnessed their journey firsthand.

“I remember when Ashe first started with all the makeup and ravens and stuff,” Taddsmith said. “I have to admit, it was really pristine, just perfectly done. I mean, it was irritating that they were always stealing my mascara instead of just going to CVS. But they took the time to get the little ankh by their eyes just right. Now, they’re just smearing some Maybelline over those crow’s feet and calling it good. Don’t even get me started on what’s going on with that nasolabial fold. Yikes.”

Local makeup artist Alan Narvaez is familiar with this kind of burnout.

“People don’t realize what they’re setting themselves up for when they become a goth,” Narvaez explained, grimacing at several photos of Montresor’s recent handiwork. “Teens just want to seem cool and mysterious and maybe makeout in a graveyard, then boom, it’s $400 a week at Sephora and weekly herbal steams over the sink. It’s practically unethical to let kids get involved in that kind of thing without someone to offer options. It’s like letting a high school senior join the army, except with better music.”

As of press time, an exhausted, sweaty Montresor was sorting through their collection of heavy leather trenchcoats in 95 degree heat.

Biden Nods Off During Apology for Nodding Off During Climate Summit

Posted on by Emma Jonas

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden dozed off “for a good thirty or forty seconds” at a lectern while delivering an apology for his recent sleeping spell at a United Nations climate summit, according to sources.

“Again, I want to express my deepest apologies. I take climate change as seriously as the next guy,” the President yawned, blinking himself awake while being nudged by two aides on either side of him. “It’s just that when we talk about global warming I can’t help but think of nice, warm things, like syrupy pancakes or my grammy’s quilt. And then my eyes get heavy…and it’s like I’m submerged in a big old bowl of warm milk toast…and I just sort of start to drift.”

Additional White House staff were then seen approaching the lectern with a spray bottle full of liquid, as is customary during long speeches delivered by the President.

“He gave the President a couple of squirts on his face, which seemed to sort of perk him up for a few minutes,” recalled reporter present for the address, David Adams. “I saw someone coming up around the podium with smelling salts but he was sort of shuffled away before they got a chance to reach him.”

White House spokesperson Jen Psaki affirmed that the incident apologing for a previous incident was due to jet lag, among other things.

“Being the head of the executive office is a very taxing role,” Psaki said. “Behind the scenes we know that President Biden is exhausted not because of laziness or poor health, but because of his constant commitment to trying to make up for being so very elderly. It takes more energy to pull oneself out of a recliner than people might think, especially after a big meal or right around that time of the afternoon when the body just wants to catch a few winks.”

At press time, Biden was apparently struggling to keep his eyes open at a brainstorming session for new, awake-sounding nicknames to push in the media.

Help! I Sued a Small Business After I Slipped in Their Bathroom and Now I Own a Soup Restaurant and Have No Idea How To Run It

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

You know how people joke about defeating a small business in a lawsuit when something goes wrong so badly that they’ll end up owning it? Yeah, I actually did that, and now I’ve got this fucking soup restaurant I have no idea what to do with.

It started innocently enough, I slipped on some potato bisque someone spilled next to the urinal and busted my tailbone. Since I just lost my job at the CBD shop, I sued and next thing I know, I own a place called Soup 2 Nutz.

First I thought it was great, that I’d just munch on soup all week long, but then these assholes that work there started asking for their paychecks. I told one guy to take it outta the register, but then the manager Rick said there’s a payroll company I gotta call. Fuck me.

Turns out there are a million people to call. There’s a company that changes out our aprons and floor mats every week. There’s a company that switches out our knives twice a month. We use 8 different food vendors for fucks sake! You would think one of these assholes would just put two and two together and carry everything you need to make every type of fucking soup but no! I get my leeks from one asshole, my herbs and marrow oil from another asshole and then there’s six more assholes! And they all want money!

Oh yeah, then the cook quit and no one was there to fill in, so Rick called me at like 10am. So I hauled my ass down there to start making soup, which is apparently a lot more complex than the Dinty Moore I’ve been eating since high school. You gotta chop up herbs and chicken and shit, then cook it for-fucking-ever. Then not every asshole that comes in wants chicken soup, they want chowder, gazpacho and other shit. Goddamn.

The one cool part has been coming up with new soups, though. The clientele at Soup 2 Nutz will try any of this shit once, especially if I say it’s artisanal. The other day I mixed M&Ms with a beef stock and some sliced celery we had lying around and called it “The Ranch Hand.” These hipster fucks ate the shit out of it, and I know it tasted like ass since there was still some soap left in the pot.

Anyway, I’ve gotta go buy some tomatoes and a new ladle. Or figure out how to burn this place down for the insurance money.

Punk Gives Dog with Bandana Power of Attorney

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a bandana named Roscoe, according to sources on the scene.

“I’ve realized I’m at the point in my life where I really need to get organized,” Denick said while working through a rack of Pabst Blue Ribbon at a friend’s barbecue. “I live dangerously. That’s just the Johnny Balls way. If I’m incapacitated because I fall through the screen door at my mom’s house again, I need someone to manage my affairs. That’s why that sick-ass dog with the bandana over there has my power of attorney. His hair is always clean and he has all his tags. That’s the kind of responsible animal who I can trust to make tough decisions when it’s time.”

Justin Marsh, a longtime friend of Denick’s also attending the barbecue, had mixed feelings about the legal appointment.

“Yeah, Balls has been burning it at both ends recently,” Marsh said while moving further from his friend. “I mean that like, literally. Earlier, I saw him smoke half a cigarette, turn it around and light the filter. Like, he stuck a burning coal on his tongue. So, while I think it’s a self-evidently bad idea to give all legal authority and responsibility to this dog, who belongs to a guy who hates Johnny Balls for the time he kicked in a brand-new Orange amp for no reason, it’s still a better idea than letting this guy make his own decisions in an emergency.”

Chester Stretsky, a local lawyer specializing in estate planning, said that the situation was by no means unusual.

“It’s actually not that odd for punks with an increasing sense of mortality to give power of attorney to someone close to them,” Stretsky explained. “Before he tragically and unexpectedly passed away, GG Allin himself gave durable power of attorney to a Nazi flag. It made…questionable, but still legally protected decisions.”

As of press time, Denick was being attacked by his legal representative over a hot dog that had fallen on the ground.

We Asked Gwen Stefani How She Looks So Good at 52 and She Showed Us a Cursed Amulet She Uses To Suck the Life Force Out of Other 90s Ska Musicians

Posted on by Michael Luis

Celebs are under constant pressure to look good and, in doing so, postpone the aging process. Few stars have defied Father Time quite like the 52-year-old Gwen Stefani. What keeps the No Doubt songstress and The Voice host looking great? We asked to find out!

The Hard Times: We have to know. What keeps you looking so young and fit?
Gwen Stefani: It’s simple, really! Just yoga, no red meat, and a cursed amulet that drains the lifeblood from your rivals.

Wait, what was that last part?
The Cursed Amulet of Mozskavoch?

Yeah… Where the hell did you get that thing?
This guy in a robe came up to me after a show in 1996. He was going on about a “sacred prophecy” and how there could only be “one true ska celebrity to emerge from the 90s.” I thought it was pretty weird, especially considering he left by turning into a white raven and flying away. But I love the fans, so I kept it. At first, it was a symbol of the bond I share with the world through my music, but soon it became so much more.

Okay, but how does it work? Where did it come from?
An archaeologist told me it’s an Aztec heirloom worn by Mozskavoch, a legendary trumpet/synth player. As he got more popular and handsome, his rival novelty musicians withered away. He went missing after a performance and neither he nor the amulet were seen again. Until I ended up with it, I suppose!

And you’re cool with that? Rapidly aging your fellow musicians for your own appearance? Is it all 90s ska musicians?
I mean, have you seen a woman with abs like this after three kids? I don’t have a single wrinkle. Sure, Aaron from Reel Big Fish has to dye his sideburns, Dicky from the Bosstones has gone up a few plaid suit sizes, and Roger from Less Than Jake’s dreads are clearly clip-ons, but not all of them look bad! I saw a recent photo of Sublime and Brad looks great! Young and really tan!

Gwen, that’s a different guy named Rome.
I think I would recognize my friend.

You know what? Never mind. And perhaps you’re right. Not every 90s ska musician looks bad. I, in fact, used to play in a 90s ska band and I think I look pretty good for my age.
Is that so?

Wait, is the amulet glowing? Your hair. It looks so lush. Your skin. It shimmers. Did you just grow taller? Am I getting shorter? Gwen, I think my teeth are falling out. Stop what you’re doing, Gwen. Noooooooooo!

Crowd Surfing Hardcore Kid Sets Sights On Last Remaining Ceiling Tile

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in the Lion’s Club seconds before stage diving, confirmed multiple sources cheering him on.

“That motherfucking piece of asbestos riddled shit is mine,” grumbled Trimble, as he slowly guided himself atop the heads and hands of the crowd. “I can’t explain why, but its very existence offends me. I just keep hearing its taunts… ‘Couldn’t kill us all last time, could ya?’ Like my dad asking about that other 2% when I brought home a 98% on my biology test. Your shattered remains won’t look so smug from the fucking floor!”

The crowd of literal and figurative supporters cites this common goal as a great way to galvanize the scene.

“This is what they mean when bands scream about family! Working together to destroy property in every venue that allows us to throw hardcore shows is what unites us as a scene. I remember when we all banded together to rip a wall down at the Teen Center and got shows shut down there forever, that was a magical day. We should all be ashamed of ourselves if that ceiling tile is still there when A Day and a Deathwish finishes their set,” exclaimed emotional scene elder Corey Bernard. “I’m glad this kid is like a hundred pounds soaking wet because landscaping by day and aiming kids at tiles for the entire stage-to-tile stroll by night has really taken its toll on my back.”

Venue owner Lou D’Agostino desperately tried to mitigate the damage, especially to the last tile.

“Aw not again! I need that to show my ceiling tile guy so we can make sure we get the right replacements,” said D’Agostino as he tried to push his way into the crowd. “It seems like they are deliberately trying to keep me away. I tried turning the lights on and off to signal the band needed to stop playing, but that only agitated everyone more. They already broke half our damn tables, I don’t know why the ceiling has to suffer the same fate.”

At press time, the crowd cheered as Trimble’s fist penetrated the tile while D’Agostino contemplated if a drywall ceiling would deter the destruction or become their next group project.

Change Machine That Only Accepts $20’s Brings Person Closest They’ll Ever Get to Realizing Scrooge McDuck Fantasy

Posted on by Krissy Howard

JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local clothes launderer Dee Chanthavong nearly realized his lifelong fantasy of diving headfirst into a pile of shiny coins after being forced to insert a $20 bill into a change machine.

“I go to La Princessa because it’s close to my house and they’re open until 10 p.m., even though almost everything is broken every time I go in there,” she said, referring to a change machine that wouldn’t accept anything smaller than the largest bill in her wallet. “It wasn’t actually enough quarters to dive into and swim around in, or even try to pull off some ‘Indecent Proposal’ type deal where I roll around in them naked, but I did get to run my fingers through the bag and picked up a few fistfuls, which made me feel kind of powerful but mostly like I needed to wash my hands.”

While Chanthavong found the bright side to being endowed with surplus change, others were not so happy.

“I just needed a few dollars worth of quarters to dry my comforter and ended up spending $2.50 at an ATM to break a $20,” said disgruntled shop patron Maggie D’Angelo. “Now I’m stuck carrying 80 pounds of quarters back home with me on the fucking bus. I hate this shithole laundromat, as soon as I get a car I’m gonna drive to my parent’s house and do all my laundry there like a real adult.”

La Princessa owner Adam Biggs insists that the faulty change machine is not entirely bad.

“If it’s not something about the doors getting stuck shut, it’s the giant pools of water leaking out of the machines — people just like to complain,” Biggs stated. “I don’t know what’s so bad about having a lifetime’s worth of quarters on you anyhow. You’ll never have to worry about parking meters, and if payphones ever make their comeback, which they will, you’re ready. Plus, if you lunge with that weight in your pocket you’ll do a pretty good number on the hamstrings, and I’m speaking to that from experience.”

At press time, Chanthavong was seen re-entering the laundromat with two more $20’s, wearing a red robe, bifocals, and a shiny top hat.

Son Endures Dad’s Retelling of “Once-I-Won-Aerosmith-Tickets-On-the-Radio” Story

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual retelling of the time he won free Aerosmith tickets by calling a local radio station hotline.

“I was wearing this old Aerosmith shirt of my dad’s when I ran into the old man blowing leaves off the driveway. He thinks it’s a huge deal that he won two tickets to see them thirty years ago. He loves saying he was ‘lucky caller number 69,’ and he got the shirt at the concert, but I can’t take it anymore,” admitted the younger Miller. “I’ve tried to interrupt him and let him know I’ve heard this story before, but he just says ‘yeah’ then he starts from the beginning all over again.”

Miller’s father believes his teenage son is missing a valuable lesson about patience and persistence.

“It was 1990. I waited all week for that Aerosmith giveaway! This was before people even had cell phones, okay? I called 96.7 ‘The Rock’ like a dozen times from a landline, and — get this — I was lucky caller number sixty-nine! Do you know how improbable that is? I know a thing or two about sticking with something,” stated Saul Miller. “What does this kid know? He worked a total of one shift at McDonald’s, stole a milkshake and a Quarter Pounder, and left. Bravo, son! At least I got to see ‘Love in an Elevator’ live. ‘Livin’ it up when you’re going dooooown!’ He doesn’t even tuck the shirt in.”

Retired radio announcer “Wolf Dawg” Delaney was able to locate a recording of the live broadcast featuring Mr. Miller from a box of old floppy disks.

“I can verify that yes, an Aerosmith show did, in fact, happen in January of 1990 during their ‘Pump’ tour,” confirmed DJ Wolf Dawg. “This Miller guy who won tickets was caller 69, which was the lucky number we picked for every giveaway. But, why does it even matter anymore? Is he dead or something?”

At press time, Mr. Miller was seen by neighbors peeling out of his driveway in a Ford Taurus blasting “Sweet Emotion.”

The Next Kid Rock? This Animatronic Weasel Is Uncomfortable With Gay People

Posted on by Dan Rice

We all know who Kid Rock is and what he represents, but who will embody the worst side of our older brothers and uncles in the future? This has long been one of those questions that don’t have any answers, until now!

With his trash mouth and antiquated worldview, Wille T. Weasel, the banjo player of the animatronic house band at Terry’s Taxibilly Tavern is poised to take the mantle of the legendary outlaw cowboy! Let’s see how he stacks up to the original:

The Look:
This weasel looks like so much absolute hell that if you put him next to the real Kid Rock you would be hard-pressed to tell them apart! Years of lice damage have whittled his coat down to a patchy wisp and the frame beneath is gaunt and decrepit, not unlike a certain Mr. American Badass himself! Add to that the fact that our robo-rodent friend sports a tiny fedora and sunglasses mounted with hot glue and the two men practically look separated at birth.

The Ability:
According to his spec sheet, Wille T. Weasel runs on a first-gen Raspberry Pi preloaded with Lynyrd Skynyrd’s greatest hits. Experts in the field agree that this is more than enough hardware, data and processing power to generate music and lyrics on par with the infamous Detroit Cowboy.

The Insecurity:
Okay, he’s got the look, he more than has the talent, but does Kid Rock would-be Willie Weasel have the trademark sensibilities to truly represent the Devil Without a Cause brand? As it turns out, Willie is on the exact right wrong side of history to be the next Kid!

Over 70% of comment cards left at Terry’s Taxibilly Tavern last year alone were complaints about Willie. According to them, Willie displays an “inability to just let it go whenever two persons of the same sex express the slightest amount of intimacy in his presence.” Willie’s go-to move is to call attention to same-sex couples and say “well, it’s a free country I guess” before giving a long, slow, poorly choreographed eye roll. On more than one occasion Willie was written up for yelling at the waitstaff, and was once overheard telling them “you have to warn me when you seat those kinds of people near me, they freak me out.” If that wasn’t enough, Willie is wanted for questioning in connection with the capitol riots.

Keep your eyes open for a purple vape cloud to emerge from the smokestacks of Detroit’s abandoned tire factories because we might just have a new Kid Rock!

Good luck on your journey to Rockhood Wille, and from all of us at The Hard Times a hearty (Radio Edit)!

Struggling Punk Band Tired of Living Drink Ticket to Drink Ticket

Posted on by Bobby Korec

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Struggling punk band Sucks To Be You revealed that they were at wits’ end after years of living drink ticket to drink ticket, sources who recommended they just learn how to code instead confirmed.

“Seems like every time we are compensated for a hard half-hour of work it’s spent immediately on our basic booze drinking needs,” said the band’s singer Jeremy Langston before asking the venue bartender if he could “get you next time” for the beers. “It’s like we aren’t able to set aside any drink tickets to build for our future alcohol intake. It would be nice to one day save up for something real big like a house cocktail. Unfortunately, it feels like we can never get ahead in this bullshit live music capitalist system. That’s why I’m for a more socialist-based alcohol distribution system. After all, it’s a right, not a privilege to get hammered.”

Many older members of the scene offered unsolicited advice for the band.

“Maybe they shouldn’t blow their tickets on pointless things, like the venue’s expensive avocado toast,” said booker Corey Daveland. “There’s been speculation that venue leaders might raise the minimum ticket stipend for each show, which would be an absolute disaster for the local economy. For one, that would reduce incentive and more importantly force me to raise cover prices at the door out of spite. If these bands want to succeed they should pick themselves up by their bootstraps and struggle for years and years. Thank God I never had to do that bullshit since I was born into drink ticket wealth because my dad owned 16 bars around the city. I’ve never had to worry about where my next beer is coming from.”

Financial experts were more sympathetic to the band and believe that opportunities for younger bands trying to get sloshed are harder to come by.

“There is a widening gap between bands rich in drink tickets and those less fortunate,” said music historian Kameron Dornfield. “Big tech is driving up alcohol prices at the local bar level, and drink tickets simply don’t stretch as far as they used to. Someone really ought to do something about drink ticket inequality before bands are forced to work two gigs a week just to make ends meet.”

At press time, the band announced that they set up a GoFundMe page to help cover the costs of a recent bar tab which included an emergency flight of beer to get their drummer trashed.