Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Dragula That Autonomously Digs Through Ditches and Burns Through Witches

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tesla recently revealed the prototype for their new self-driving Dragula that can independently dig through ditches and burn through witches, sources who couldn’t wait to slam in the back of one confirmed.

“This is going to completely revolutionize the demon-based auto industry,” said Tesla CEO Elon Musk, while assuring shareholders that the dramatic drop in company stocks as a result of the announcement was probably normal. “The coolest feature is most definitely the center console that connects directly to Hell. This automated access to eternal damnation is actually what powers the whole thing, so it doesn’t even need gasoline. You can also control the vehicle with your phone simply by summoning a demon through our app. Pretty cool, right? Anyway, we anticipate that by 2030 all metalheads will have switched over to our new autonomous Dragula for all of their ditch-digging and witch-burning needs.”

Members of the public couldn’t wait to get their hands on one of these evil drag racers.

“I’ve already sent Tesla a downpayment for this bad boy despite their so-called claim that they’re not accepting deposits just yet,” said fervent Tesla supporter Chaz Polymer while selling his Model S on Craigslist to make room in his bank account. “Sure, insurance costs are going to be through the roof since this vehicle exclusively deals and absorbs damage. But on the other hand, owning one of these is going to seriously impress my friends. That’s obviously the only reason to ever buy a sporty automobile.”

Robert Bartleh Cummings, known professionally as Rob Zombie, admittedly struggled for years to get the Dragula prototype to work autonomously.

“As an amateur mechanic of satanic vehicles that are used primarily for ill-intentions, I’ve been tweaking the technology on this roadster for years,” said Cummings. “However, I just could never get it to dig nor burn without the use of a human steering it. I got close once, but there were occasions where it would accidentally drive safely. If the public is going to accept driverless Dragulas as a whole, that just cannot happen whatsoever.”

At press time, Tesla announced plans to temporarily shut down production of the self-driving Dragula after one of them inadvertently mistook a pedestrian wearing fishnets for a witch.

Rittenhouse Judge Calls Recess to Sheepishly Ask for an Autograph

Posted on by Camden Brazile

KENOSHA, Wisc. — Judge Bruce Schroeder called for a recess after a long day of court proceedings in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial to sheepishly request an autograph from the shooter, according to multiple eyewitnesses.

“It’s so hard sitting there all day pretending like I’m not a huge fan of his work,” Schroeder said. “They say never meet your heroes, but he was so warm and charming, and he signed my assault rifle ‘To Bruce, Love Kyle.’ I almost couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the testimony all day because I was fixated on his charisma.”

Several people present in the courthouse noticed the honorable Judge blushing and fixing his hair in the reflection of his nameplate.

“When [Rittenhouse] was swearing in on the stand, I swear I saw them wink at each other, like they were best buddies,” said court reporter for Kenosha News Dana Malbach. “At one point I’m almost certain I saw Schroeder write something on a piece of paper, fold it up like one of those paper footballs we used to make in middle school, then hand it to the bailiff next to him until it went around the room and reached Rittenhouse. Judge Schroeder tried pretending he was distracted by staring at his phone, but I could see him looking over his shoulder to see what Kyle’s reaction was.”

The defendant, Kyle Rittenhouse, was happy to make time for the fan.

“If my senseless killing can make a positive difference in just one person’s life, then it will all have been worth it,” Rittenhouse said. “A lot of people are trying to paint me as a bad person with their ‘hard evidence’ and ‘powerful emotional testimony,’ but I’m glad Judge Schroeder knows I’m a good guy who just did what any white psychopath would have. While the jury is currently sequestered to prevent any media influence, Bruce and I are going out to dinner later to talk about my next project when, I mean, if, he lets me go.”

At press time, Judge Schroeder defended his credibility and impartiality to the court while wearing his new ‘SAVE KYLE’ robe.

Poor People Should Stop Voting Against Their Best Interest and Start Voting for Politicians Who Relentlessly Mock Them

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Dear poor Republican voters. Are you stupid or something? I’m only asking because you keep voting against your interests. Did you know that the politicians you enthusiastically support don’t care about you? Honestly, they probably hate you deep down. It’s time to stop supporting them and start voting for the politicians who hate you openly! The ones who mock you for your beliefs and guilt or bully you into giving them your vote. You know, the politicians I vote for.

As someone making a modest six figures, I know exactly what’s best for the poors. That’s why I never tip servers as a way to teach them the lesson that they should’ve learned to code instead. That lesson is a real tip they can use.

You’re still offended by their political ads calling you ignorant and backwoods? Wow, and people say us liberals can’t take a joke. Just try to see through that patronizing bullshit and understand that voting for these kinds of politicians might just help you out in the long run, you hillbilly moron.

Sure, after you vote them into office, they’re definitely going to disappoint and they’ll flake on the most important issues that affect poor people like cancelling student loan debt, increasing the minimum wage, and guaranteeing paid family leave. But that’s only because they avoid confrontation and fighting for the little guy at all costs. I said they wanted to help. I never said they’d be good at it.

Let’s be honest. We can’t exactly blame politicians for their continued mockery and ineffectiveness either. After all, these legislators are wealthy as hell, so they can’t help but insult poor people. It’s just one of the things that come with having a jacked bank account. You probably wouldn’t understand because you’re poor. And dumb.

Fauci Gives OK for Venues To Keep Putting Bathroom Towel Roll On Ledge Near Dispenser

Posted on by Chris Nakis

BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common practice of putting bathroom paper towel rolls on a ledge near the empty dispenser, according to recent guidance.

“These venues are understaffed, people are busy, and those big plastic bubbles are really hard to open, especially when the key was lost over a decade ago in most cases. We’re advising venues to get the hand-drying implements ‘in the vicinity.’ Because even in ideal conditions, nobody is getting out of the bathroom unscathed,” Fauci explained. “Just remember to let your hands air dry for about 30 seconds then grab the dryest looking corner of the roll that you can, and pull down with a deliberate and swift motion to ensure a clean tear and not a floor-unravel situation.”

“For extra protection make sure to grab some of those tiny square bar napkins. You’re going to want to bring a bunch. The first three will dissolve on first contact with water,” Fauci added.

Some patrons of the nearby Musk Ox Music Hall are struggling with such relaxed sanitary measures.

“I had just finished washing my hands with the watered-down remnants of a Softsoap for the full duration of singing my ABCs which isn’t easy when a powerviolence band is playing,” said Hailie Thorsen with wet handprints on the front of her shirt. “I waved my hand at a sensor, and I just had that sinking feeling, and then, nothing. I was able to find a paper towel roll perched on a busted radiator in the corner, but after I was done I felt like I needed to wash my hands again.”

Venue employees tasked with refilling paper towel dispensers say that properly replacing the towels is an unrealistic ask.

“Why don’t these babies wipe their hands with their silly masks?” said Peyton Wilkie, the de facto custodian of a DIY venue in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “I was hired because I’m the only guy who isn’t afraid to empty the carcasses out of rat traps, not to provide paper for the delicate hands of our ‘prized patrons’ who piss on every toilet paper roll we have. I hose down those bathrooms once a month, they don’t pay me enough to care about what goes on in there.”

As always, official CDC guidance still recommends gathering and urinating outdoors.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

The School of Hard Knocks Was My Backup School, I Got Into Brown

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dear fam, hustlers and wizened street-toughs,

I would like, first and foremost, to thank you all from the bottom of my naive heart for your various offers of tutelage through physical abuse and humiliation. When I think of all that I’ve learned from my brief tenure as a rube being taken advantage of by you fine thugs and criminals, I am humbled to say the least. I know I have only begun to scratch the surface of all that you have to teach me about “The Game.” Unfortunately, I have received an offer I am unable to refuse, and it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you our path together has reached a deviation.

I must confess, the school of hard knocks was my backup school, and I will be unable to attend any longer due to the fact that I have been accepted to my academy of choice, Brown University. It is an exciting yet obviously bitter-sweet time for me as I will no longer be able to pursue a career as part of a crew.

We sure had some great times together. Remember when we knocked off that convenience store, and when the cops chased us one of you tripped me so that I would get busted and the rest of you made off with all those cigarettes? That was an absolute blast. Remember how you beat the living hell out of me until you were thoroughly convinced that I didn’t give your names to the cops? It seems like only yesterday.

I want you to know that it was my internship with your organization and wide variety of crimes it made me an accessory to that gave me the confidence and self-reliance to apply to Brown, a university where students are given the freedom to choose their own academic journey. Rest assured that I will think of you anytime I am suddenly startled or catch sight of the scars I got from that bike chain fight in the mirror.

I understand that this transition comes at an inconvenient time. I did consider postponing my departure until fulfilling my prior obligation as look-out during Saturday’s planned tire store heist. Ultimately I decided that it would be unfair for me to accept such a role, as I would be potentially blocking a spot on the crew for another hungry young punk looking to step up.

I especially want you to know that my status as a non-snitch is important to me, and remains part of my worldview. Stitch-level injuries will not be needed to remind me of the importance of this basic code.

As a sign of good faith I have decided to give you some of the things I will no longer be needing, as I’m sure some young up and comer within your ranks can use them. In this box you will find a pocket knife, a studded denim vest, a vape pen battery and a t-shirt advertising something called Hatebreed.

I understand that this news comes as a shock, but before any of you react emotionally, please consider the fact that I could help you guys down the road! Maybe I’ll major in law and help you guys out of a jam. Maybe I’ll get into politics and hook you guys up with some no-show union gigs. Maybe I’ll become a writer and tell your story to the world, with some embellishments ala The Fast and The Furious.

Look, please don’t kick my ass.

Semisonic to Release Long-Awaited Follow-up “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow”

Posted on by Brandon Morland

MINNEAPOLIS — Bar staff everywhere are rejoicing as Semisonic penned a long-awaited follow-up to their 1998 single “Closing Time” entitled “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow,” overworked sources state.

“We wanted to make something a little more direct for all the bartenders that desperately play our song at last call in order to flush a bunch of drunken messes off their stools and out into the streets,” said lead singer Dan Wilson. “With the pandemic going on we know they’re working harder than ever and this new song can hopefully convey the sense of ‘hurry up and get the hell out of my bar’ they’re feeling every night around 2 a.m. ‘Closing Time’ had the double meaning about my daughter, but this new song threatens bodily harm in every verse and was written purely for those drunk fucks hanging around asking for just one more drink.”

Some bar-goers don’t get what the fuss is about.

“Man, that’s such a great song and they always play it at the same time,” said frequently drunk man Guy Stevens. “It always reminds me to order a few more drinks because for some reason they try to kick us out when it’s over. I mean we’re here having fun one second then the next they’re like ‘get the fuck out before we call the cops.’ But man, the bar is so much better than my shitty apartment. They have TVs, darts, and toilets that flush. I spend almost all of my unemployment check at this fucking bar, I deserve some damn respect.”

Restaurant industry executives are excited about the possibilities the song will bring.

“That last hour is the toughest for employees. It just drags on with spilled drinks, crying, and someone pissing themselves,” said National Restaurant Association spokesperson Jenny Block. “I think ‘Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow’ will represent a shift in bar service. Music can set the tone of a bar. When that tone is ‘I need your drunk asses to put your drinks down and stop asking for more’ bartenders now have this song. A metaphorical kick in the ass that will prevent staff from having to call the bouncer and giving a literal kick in the ass. Plus it’s pretty catchy. I heard it’s actually about a one-night stand he had.”

At press time, the lights were on and people were still not finishing their whiskey or beer.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

Bassist Heartbroken to Miss Son’s First “Hysteria” Riff While at Work

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Local breadwinner and career bassist Clarissa Khatri announced a leave of absence from his day job after being forced to work through his three-year-old son’s first Muse cover, discovering the footage on nugs.net this past Tuesday.

“Every bassist’s goal is to set their children up with more pedals than they had growing up,” Khatri explained. “I’ve always dreamed of being present for baby Les’ first ‘Hysteria’ by Muse ever since my own band forced me to stop playing it between songs. As a working mom, it’s hard enough to put in full-time hours while raising a family, especially after I wasted all two weeks of maternity leave on that awful Billy Sheehan Cruise. It’s a sad truth that the modern working class just can’t sustain a healthy work-life balance and still be able to fit in three hours of Fat Mike play-through videos a day.”

Squire Owens, Khatri’s stay-at-home partner was able to snag live cellphone footage and turned in a glowing review of the event.

“Oh man, I LOVED that he pulled that out for the opener. A great way to start a secret show during what was supposed to be nap time. The timing was perfect. Everybody had been told to remain quiet and I was attempting to get some work done,” said Owens. “That is the exact environment in which a bass player is supposed to come alive and live in the pocket. It was also rad to hear it during the main set and also as the encore. Maybe eventually he’ll learn past the intro riff, but not if he’s anything like his mother.”

Develop-metal biologist Jeffry Higgins, explains the strong genetic component of riffage that plays a large role in early childhood.

“Generally speaking, songs that are considered to be ‘rockin’’ or ‘real music’ by aging, and usually balding radio DJs, have a greater likelihood of being forcibly drilled into each new generation,” said Dr. Higgins. “In fact, there are a myriad of early intervention tab books parents can buy if they are worried their child isn’t progressing past at least an AC/DC level of bass playing by 24 months.”

When approached for comment, Family Fun-Time Tabletop Games and Togetherness Building upheld that company policy clearly dissuades procreation of any sort to avoid these types of productivity lapses.

Police Department Issues Public Warning About Dangerous Anarchists Distributing Free Vegan Chili in the Park

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown, where free vegan chili in the park is currently being distributed in the park.

“We received notification that unidentified persons were handing out hot food to anyone interested, no questions or proof of income or residence asked. These kinds of flagrant threats to the community can’t simply be waved away,” said Chief of Public Safety Vernon Coakley from a podium this morning. “When we allow people to do things such as freely distribute food in our communities, it hurts all of us. It hurts the small business owners nearby, and it creates issues for the public, leaving many to wonder what the whole thing is all about rather than ask one person one question.”

Concerned citizen Nimby Reagan, who lives in the condos near the park, was one of several people to call the police, informing them of the threat.

“They need to bring the boot down on these people,” she said. “They aren’t just criminals, they’re un-American. They have all sorts of little pamphlets about getting rid of prisons and the police, and they absolutely don’t have a permit to distribute that food. When we allow our children to grow up in a world where people can eat without paying, what kind of world are we creating? Not on my watch. The city needs to stomp this out now.”

A veteran and resident of the park who was served by the event organizers known as Matt C commented on the experience.

“Chili’s pretty good,” he said. “Wish they put meat in stuff, but can’t say no to a free meal. Tired of them fuckin’ chickpeas though, doesn’t nobody like chickpeas man. I think they’re all gay, or most of ‘em anyway, and I don’t really get all that shit, but whatever. They’re out here. They’re doing this work. I don’t really give a fuck who they are. People just need to fuckin be out helpin’ people, you know?”

The city has warned concerned citizens to inform them of any future threats of this nature and will keep the public informed with updates.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

5 Quotes From “Network” That Prove None of Your Coworkers Have Seen “Network” and They Think You’re Old and Weird

Posted on by Dan Rice

In 1976, Sidney Lumet’s “Network” set a new bar for satire in American film. It’s sharp-witted, hilarious critique of the media that has not only stood the test of time but in some ways become more relevant today than it was during its release. The script’s poison-pen musings and clever use of wordplay and alliteration make it one of the most quotable comedies of all time. Unfortunately, due to some questionable life choices, you work exclusively with a collective of uncultured 20-somethings who don’t know art from TikTok, whatever that is.

Here are 5 classic lines from an important American film that you can use to further cement your status as the “too old to be there weirdo” at your place of work!

“Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn’t come out of this tube. This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation; this tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers; this tube is the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people”

No matter how hard you try to explain that the internet is the new tube and the bad people are Zuckerberg people are just going to think you’re an old weird dude.

“All human beings are becoming humanoids. All over the world, not just in America. We’re just getting there faster since we’re the most advanced country.”

You would think that this timeless Howard Beale line would be the perfect response for whenever someone so much as mentions TikTok within earshot of you, but alas no. Blank stares and nervous laughter are all you receive. I guess the prophecy has been fulfilled, Mr. Beale! I guess I’m just throwing pearls before social media-addicted swine! Whatever.

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
A tried and true classic, and so versatile in a workplace environment! You can bust it out ironically whenever there’s a minor change in protocol, or more earnestly for true inconveniences like having to come in on the weekend! Either way, the reaction you will receive will be, at best, “Is that from something?” and more likely along the lines of “Hey dude, calm down.”

Okay, did I oversell it by screaming really loud and throwing my stapler through a window? Maybe. And did I paraphrase something more like “Fuck all of you!” Yeah, okay, at the moment I guess I did, but come on! Context!

“You need me. You need me badly. Because I’m your last contact with human reality. I love you. And that painful, decaying love is the only thing between you and the shrieking nothingness you live the rest of the day.”

Yeah word of advice, don’t go ahead and assume your boss is cultured enough to recognize this quote during a performance review. You would think it would get a laugh but instead, it just leads to a bunch of blank stares and a whole other goddamn meeting!

“Since this show is the only thing I had going for me in my life, I’ve decided to kill myself. I’m going to blow my brains out right on this program a week from today. So tune in next Tuesday. That should give the public relations people a week to promote the show.”

I am not depressed, okay?! I am AWAKE! There is a DIFFERENCE! Just because a guy is hanging in the break-room quoting classic cinema, and maybe paraphrasing a little and folding in which members of management he would love to take with him does not mean he’s a threat to himself and/or others, okay?! It’s called The Criterion Channel, check it out sometime!

Look, don’t make me bust out the Taxi Driver quotes, okay?

Aging Goth Pushes Through Daily 170-Minute Makeup Ritual

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate makeup to make them look spooky to the average citizen, confirmed sources who wish they had showered before Montresor went into the bathroom.

“When I was sixteen, this was a snap,” Montresor said while gesturing at a bathroom counter full of various grease-paints and eyeliners. “Not only was it part of my identity as a goth, it was something I loved to do. The layers of primer, the color corrections, the smoky eyes that differentiate me as a creature of darkness, far from the shallow daylight world, it all felt sensual and mysterious. Now, it’s just a fucking drag. I’m 38, staying up all night in noisy clubs is a nightmare, and spending nearly three hours a day with this shit doesn’t really seem worth it. My pores are clogged to shit. But I’m a goth elder now, and all the baby goths look up to me as a role model. I can’t let them down.”

Montresor’s sister, Janey Taddsmith, has witnessed their journey firsthand.

“I remember when Ashe first started with all the makeup and ravens and stuff,” Taddsmith said. “I have to admit, it was really pristine, just perfectly done. I mean, it was irritating that they were always stealing my mascara instead of just going to CVS. But they took the time to get the little ankh by their eyes just right. Now, they’re just smearing some Maybelline over those crow’s feet and calling it good. Don’t even get me started on what’s going on with that nasolabial fold. Yikes.”

Local makeup artist Alan Narvaez is familiar with this kind of burnout.

“People don’t realize what they’re setting themselves up for when they become a goth,” Narvaez explained, grimacing at several photos of Montresor’s recent handiwork. “Teens just want to seem cool and mysterious and maybe makeout in a graveyard, then boom, it’s $400 a week at Sephora and weekly herbal steams over the sink. It’s practically unethical to let kids get involved in that kind of thing without someone to offer options. It’s like letting a high school senior join the army, except with better music.”

As of press time, an exhausted, sweaty Montresor was sorting through their collection of heavy leather trenchcoats in 95 degree heat.