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Woman Starting to Think Her Minor Threat Beer Koozie is a Bootleg

RESTON, Va. – Lifelong punk and diehard Dischord Records fan Meredith Jozak questioned the legitimacy of her beloved Minor Threat merch beer koozie after reflecting on the band’s famous anti-booze lyrics, concerned friends reported.

“As I was sipping my DC Brau Pils from this red Minor Threat koozie, I got the feeling that something just wasn’t adding the fuck up here,” recounted Jozak, who purchased the koozie on the street one block away from a Coriky show in 2018. “I started thinking about the song ‘Bottled Violence’ and I realized that those lyrics aren’t glorifying getting shitfaced like I once thought. Then I remembered that Minor Threat is pretty much synonymous with straight edge, which makes this koozie seem pretty silly. I’ll just sort of laugh it off and say it’s a joke if anyone asks about it.”

Merch bootlegger Kevin Rance says Minor Threat merch makes up a lot of his top-selling items.

“All I do is throw one of their logos on crap I order from China and these people go nuts for it. Bottle openers, lighters, condoms, people can’t get enough and I clean up,” said Rance while displaying his most recent items on a sheet in downtown Washington DC. “She also bought a pack of The Teen Idles rolling papers. Like, come on- how thick can you be? Also, I charge like $25 a pop, many times more expensive than the tickets. Ian absolutely hates me, and to be honest? I don’t blame him. I hate myself. Not for the bootlegging, but for many, many other reasons.”

Former Minor Threat and current Coriky frontman Ian Mackaye expressed his thoughts on the continuing efforts of bootleggers.

“I couldn’t really give less of a shit at this point about the boozers and bootleggers who show up to my shows,” proclaimed an apathetic Mackaye. “You wanna poison yourself with alcohol and low-quality band merch? Go right ahead. No skin off my back. I don’t think about these people at all, and if I did I would just feel bad for them. People will probably get lead poisoning from the ink used on those koozies, and you know what? They deserve it.”

Anonymous sources confirmed that Jozak continued to struggle with fraudulent merch practices after purchasing Earth Crisis-branded mail-order steaks.