ORWIGSBURG, Penn. — Local heir to a discount furniture dynasty Colby Souders verbally berated the staff at Gutter’s Laser Bowl when they refused to serve him a seventh pitcher of beer or let him drink directly from the nacho cheese dispenser while shirtless, multiple witnesses confirmed.
“Who the fuck do those nothings think they are telling me what to do? I’m fuckin’ Colby fuckin’ Souders,” a visibly inebriated Souders ranted while failing to kick over heavy trash cans in an alley. “I’m the son of Dan ‘The Furniture Man’ Souders, of Dan’s Home Liquidators. Maybe you’ve heard of him? The richest fuckin’ discount furniture king in the county, maybe even all of central PA. Everybody knows my dad’s tv spots and the jingle’s infectious. He could buy this town. He’s already imposed his sexual prowess on every mom and milf-looking lady in it. Only a fool crosses him. And by that measure, only a fool crosses me.”
Souders’ also inebriated girlfriend, Clarissa Owens, disclosed more about Dan The Furniture Man’s influence.
“He’s a powerful figure in this area if you catch my drift. He sold my family every couch in our home, and I’ve had sex one each one of them and they didn’t give me a rash or anything” Owens boasted. “Colby and I are a power couple and we don’t like being told ‘no.’ My dad’s been buying up and putting his name on every used car lot in town. Between Colby’s dad and mine, and the potential of their discount empires uniting, we’re set to run shit around here. As if we already don’t. Colbs and I skip the line at Long John Silver’s. Bring Xans into the movie theater. We pretty much do what we want and people suck our dicks.”
Local business owner and Dan The Furniture Man’s personal rival, Howard Zerfass, of “Howard’s Home & Couch,” sang a different tune about Colby.
“The kid’s a cyst and his dad’s a wannabe mob guy sleazebag. Come by Howard’s Home & Couch this Friday for half-off the futon of your choice, in our annual, one-day sales event ‘Futon Half-Off Friday,’” said Zerfass while gesturing to a large warehouse. “I’m not great at naming things, but at least my jingles aren’t atrocious and I never knifed a guy outside the Crocodile Rock in Allentown back in ‘97, which is more than Dan can say!”
At press time, Souders was overheard yelling “I could buy this whole dumpster if I wanted” at a family of raccoons who wouldn’t share their trash with him.