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Guy Who Peaked in College Mercilessly Ridicules Guy Who Peaked in High School

LEWISBURG, Pa. – 31-year-old Cole Geleski, who readily admits that his college years were the best time of his life, mercilessly made fun of an old acquaintance for peaking in high school, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Mike hasn’t moved on from high school at all,” said Geleski, unprompted. “I ran into him at the bar last week, and all he wanted to do was talk about old teachers we had, and that time he scored thirty points in the district playoffs. It’s pathetic. I was telling great stories about frat parties, and intramural frisbee, and how Beefer shit his graduation gown because he had drank an entire bottle of peppermint schnapps that morning, and Mike didn’t even seem interested. What a loser, he ruined any chance of me going home with that hot undergrad.”

However, Eric Chirinos, a college friend of Geleski’s, reveals that their friend group is beginning to feel the same way about him for failing to mature.

“Cole called my house last night, waking my kids, to ask if I wanted to get ‘shitfaced’ at the home game this weekend. And I’m pretty sure he’s the only non-student who has a job in the campus bookstore,” said Chirinos. “Geleski has been ridiculing Carpenter’s post-high school descent for years. He used to track the guy on Facebook, so when he had that career-ending knee injury, Cole threw a party. And then another when he got hooked on the painkillers. And I think we all got an email blast a few years ago when the guy got divorced.”

According to Aimee Martin, Associate Director of Alumni Relations at Pennsylvania State University, there are a great number of people like Geleski who peak in college.

“We have many alumni who hate high school, but then they reinvent themselves over the summer and have a phenomenal time in college. Then, inevitably, they fail to evolve at all beyond that,” said Martin. “They’re actually some of our most reliable donors. The college experience represents a singular source of meaning and enjoyment in these peoples’ lives, and we take that as a compliment. We’re happy to indulge them as they spend the next several decades making futile efforts to recapture that happiness.”

At press time, Geleski was absolutely devastated to hear that Carpenter had paid off his outstanding debt and was planning on getting re-married.