Oh Dear God I’m In The Top WHAT Percent of Hootie & the Blowfish Listeners This Year?

Posted on by Aidan Sears

It’s that time of year again! With people receiving their Spotify Wrapped for the year, it’s time to reflect on the music we all listened to in 2021. Apparently, the soundtrack to my year was Hootie & the Blowfish! And I listened to them enough to put me in the top… oh. Oh no. Oh sweet God no.

This… this is clearly some sort of algorithmic mistake. The great all-knowing Spotify data-mine mixed up its wires and mistook me, a reasonable woman with eclectic yet relatable musical taste, for some sort of Darius Rucker die-hard. I can’t share this on Instagram. I’d be defaming my own character. God, this, and this only, is why I should just use Bandcamp.

Look, did I listen to some Hootie & the Blowfish this year? Yes. Is “Only Wanna Be With You” one of my go-to karaoke songs, meaning I practice singing it in my car once or twice a week? Absolutely. And guess what? That song blows the roof off the bar every time. Every goddamn time.

And let’s get one thing absolutely crystal fucking clear here — I am not ashamed for liking Hootie & the Blowfish. I saw them live in Buffalo in ’96. Killer show. Packed venue. You’re telling me out of all those Hootie-heads, I’m in the top .01% of listeners? Because I listened to just 12,507 minutes of them this year?

No. I’m not the one who should feel self-conscious. I listen to Hootie & the Blowfish the exact normal amount that everyone should be listening to them. It’s everyone else who should feel ashamed for how little they listen to one of this country’s most underappreciated rock bands.

So go ahead and make your little jokes at the expense of my Spotify Wrapped. Sure, it may not be “cool,” but Hootie is all about being unpretentious. Enjoy showing off how much Swedish math rock you didn’t enjoy listening to. I actually had fun this year.

Punk Pushing 40 Still Has a Few Good Years to Disappoint Parents

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Brian Hedges figured he’s still got a good 10 years to continually disappoint his parents with his life choices, his friends, family, employers, and doctors confirmed.

“I’m no spring chicken anymore, but ol’ Bri’s still got some moves that’ll have my parents avoiding eye contact with the neighbors for at least another eight years, 10 if I get health insurance,” Hedges said. “I may be too old to drop out of school again, but Christmas is coming up and I haven’t been found passed out naked in their hedges in years, so that’s still definitely an option. Plus, my dad is flying back home from a work trip next week and asked me to pick him up, so I can definitely forget to do that and hit up this Pink Floyd laser thing at the planetarium that night instead.”

“Sometimes it feels hard to keep the magic alive after all these years, but you just have to get a little creative at my age,” he added.

Parents Drew and Audrey Hedges want to be proud of their only son, but at this point they’re not holding their breath.

“He’s just so fucking dense,” said Mr. Hedges. “He’s on the wrong side of 30 and he’s still hanging out with kids half his age. Maybe I’d understand if he was actually in a band, but he’s just moshing without a shirt and bumming cigs in the parking lot at Denny’s. We always pushed him to be his best self, but we don’t have unrealistic expectations either.”

Local family counselor Shane Braxton says that disharmony in relationships often comes from lack of communication.

“A lot of these matters can be resolved by simply laying your expectations out on the table. If Drew is feeling grief over his son’s behavior, a simple ‘for fuck’s sake Brian, create a different username on HULU if you’re going to be watching the hardcore stuff,’ could go a long way,” he explained. “It’s not that Brian doesn’t listen, it’s just that he’s a 38-year-old who abused way too many inhalants when he was 17. It takes a little more effort to get through to him.”

At press time, Hedges was seen trying to initiate a game of slap dick with an undercover bicycle cop.

Opinion: As the Designated Driver I Would Appreciate It if the Hard Seltzer Industry Made a Non-alcoholic Version

Posted on by Dan Rice

As a civil-minded person, I take a lot of pride in doing my part to keep people safe. When my coworkers started going to Killigan’s Irish Pub for Thirsty Thursday every week, I was more than happy to volunteer myself for designated driver duties twice a month. I don’t mind missing out on some of the fun if it’s in the service of preventing my coworkers or other innocent bystanders from becoming statistics.

That being said, it does feel like there are some small changes that could be made that would go a long way toward making people like me feel a lot more included. Hard Seltzer is all the rage right now, and I think it’s high time some of these companies started selling a non-alcoholic version of their product.

What I am proposing is that some of these hard seltzer big wigs release a carbonated unsweetened flavor water that does not contain any alcohol at all. I am almost positive that the technology to do so exists, or is at least within our grasp. It should come in a can, it should have the same cool logo on it as the cans Molly and Jepson drink from (I think there’s something going on between those two) and it should say the words “Doomberry Hard Seltzer: Non-alcoholic.”

Sure, there are technically plenty of options at the bar for people staying sober — there are soft drinks, there are non-alcoholic beers, there is “soda water,” whatever the fuck that is. And sure, back when everyone was knocking back Bud Lites and making Monica Lewinsky jokes, an O’Douls worked just fine to make me feel like part of the group, but that just doesn’t cut it anymore. The American drinking palate has evolved, and it’s about time non-alcoholic options evolved with it.

I only get inappropriately drunk with my coworkers every other week. It’s a huge sacrifice on my part, and has nothing to do with the time I got us all kicked out of Dave & Busters. It should be rewarded.

Frankly, I think they’re throwing away a fortune by not doing this. I could see this stuff catching on, quite frankly. We all need to drink more water, but it gets boring sometimes. I think an unsweetened seltzer, flavored with, let’s say, lime or Pamplemousse, could really catch on with the health-conscious crowd. It could be useful for people trying to cut back on soda and other high-calorie drinks.

I find it pretty surprising that this is not already a wildly successful thing that exists.

Also, it should have some alcohol. Not a lot! I think you’re allowed .03% or something before it’s considered “alcoholic.” Or maybe it’s .04%? Whatever the highest is, do that.

 

REPORT: “Bumfuck” Town Not Nearly as Awesome as Moniker Would Suggest

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — Local man and person exploring his kinks for the first time in his life, Jaden Brantz, reported that he was incredibly disappointed by Bentleyville, Pennsylvania, which was “falsely advertised” to him as a place to engage in sodomy.

“My roommate Connie is such a lying sack of shit. She said she comes from this ‘bumfuck’ town called Bentleyville in southwest PA. Sounds awesome, right?” reported Brantz. “So obviously I booked a weeklong AirBNB to investigate for myself. It couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t know if people there are even having vanilla sex. I thought I almost saw an elderly couple holding hands, but nope, they were just walking close to each other. No trace of assplay anywhere. The town’s diner slaps, though.”

Connie Crenshaw claims that she was completely unaware of Brantz’s unfamiliarity with slang terms for rural areas.

“I should have known that when his ears perked up after I said ‘bumfuck’ that he took it the wrong way,” said Crenshaw, who lovingly roasts her hometown regularly in stand-up comedy sets. “I also said that I lived in ‘the sticks’ and I think Jaden assumed that meant dildos or floggers or something? Or dicks? Come on, man. Kids who grew up in NYC are so weird. They have no perspective or idea of what the rest of the world is like. I wish I never told him about Feeld.”

The mayor of Bentleyville challenged Brantz’s claims that his town is nothing more than a boring, puritan municipality.

“Oh, I’m sorry, you thought our town wasn’t freaky enough?” stated Bentleyville mayor Dominic Klopp, more popularly known by his drag name Queen Klopp. “Our shit is more underground than you can possibly imagine. Casuals can’t just wander into Bentleyville and discover all the best spots. You need to be in the know. Better luck next time, normie. Go back to Bushwick with all the other Iowa transplants.”

Brantz’s situation has reportedly worsened on reports that he was fired from his job and charged with assault due to an unfortunate, too-literal attempt at “brown-nosing.”

You Always Act Like I’m the Bad Guy Just Because My House Is a Volcano Shaped Like a Skull

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Listen, I know I’m not perfect, and I know I’m not always my “best self,” but I’m sick of everyone in this town acting like everything I do is evil or something. You guys can’t just keep holding onto these few stray instances and pretending like I’m the bad guy all of the time. For example, that time I made an excellent real estate deal.

First of all, who cares where it is, it’s only going to go up in value. I understand that the plot is at the base of an active volcano, but that’s why it was such a great deal! And so what if the house I built into it looks kind of like a skull. Or “a lot like a skull” as you all keep saying. It’s cool, deal with it.

Then there are my collectibles that you keep prodding me about. Let it go, you’re just jealous of my incredible pieces: my Bill-Koch-owned Thomas Jefferson wine forgery, my miniature Marvin Heemeyer bulldozer replica, my Jeff Bezos autographed Amazon box.

“Oh, anyone with his own personal Nazi museum in his volcano skull compound must be evil!” you say. Nonsense! I dedicated a small wing of my home to Nazi paraphernalia to remind me not to be that way! What do you people do to remind yourselves not to act like Hitler? Oh, nothing? Real responsible.

Then of course there’s the barely noticeable little piece of kryptonite I keep in a VERY SAFE lead-infused glass case on my desk. You people just love holding my feet to the fire on that one. As I have stated 1000 times before, I have that JUST IN CASE Superman goes crazy one day! Trust me, he appreciates the fact that guys like me are out there keeping him in check!

And now you’re critical of my inventions! These are just little hobbies that keep me occupied. Plenty of people have workshops in their basement or work on an old car in their garage. I don’t see how my lab is any different. Plus, I’ve told you repeatedly that the giant modified laser pointer slowly inching towards the end of that conveyor belt is just an experiment, no one’s going to get hurt.

I promise I’ll unstrap that dapper gagged gentleman in the tuxedo as soon as he apologizes for what he’s done, and way before the laser beam reaches him.

I could come up with a bunch of examples that make you guys look like the bad guy. But I’m not going to do that, because I’m a nice person, and I have enough firepower to level this town if I ever have to, so whatever.

“Gentle White Noise Sleep Sounds (5 Hours)” Named Woman’s Top Spotify Song of the Year

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local punk Abigail Burton was forced to confront the ways her listening habits reflect her deeply pathetic personal life after a white noise sound topped her 2021 Top Song in Spotify.

“I listened to a lot of music this year while I was commuting, and also just hanging out around the house,” Burton said, visibly perturbed. “So seeing that the white noise I use to just zone out and stare into space when things start to get too heavy outweighed all of that just kind of puts things in perspective about what the hell I’m even doing. Is this my life?”

Burton’s friends, who were eagerly sharing their own statistics, seemed worried at Burton’s reluctance to put her own results out there.

“It just makes you wonder what she’s hiding, you know?” said friend Charlene Cook. “If I’m willing to let the world know that Machine Gun Kelly was in my top five this year, then what kind of dark shit doesn’t she want the rest of us to know? I know it sounds cynical, but if you don’t have anything to be ashamed of, then why aren’t you just coming clean? It makes me nervous that her top podcast was Cum Town or something.”

When asked what she might do differently next year to avoid a crisis like this, Burton seemed nervous but hopeful.

“As soon as I saw my list, I went online and bought a white noise machine,” Burton said. “That way, I can get the benefits without having any recorded proof of it, and won’t be faced with the fact that this is just apparently the way my brain works now and what I need to function. It just sucks, because you want to hop on and join in and share with everyone else, but there’s just no way in hell I’m putting myself out there like that. All I can do is just try to hide my habits so this doesn’t happen again, because I’m not willing or able to change them.”

According to sources, other songs in Burton’s top five included “Deep Healing Energy 528Hz Ancient Frequency for Healing, and a guided meditation for children laid over soothing ocean noises.

We Rank Class Clowns by How Soon They Died After Graduation

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Like teachers, homework, and textbooks from the 70s, class clowns are a pillar of the American high school experience that transcends time and place. They added much-needed laughter to an otherwise mind-numbing and soul-crushing institution. Man, class clowns were the best. May they rest in peace.

A great class clown can create incredible memories for their peers through the silly antics they engaged in. They gave us memories to hold onto long after we move away from our hometowns and grow into fully functioning adults. It’s good they leave such a legacy so young since they don’t tend to last that long after graduation. Anyway, we decided to rank the best class clowns by how quickly they died after high school.

The Baker Twins
Remember the Baker Boys? Or as the teachers called them, “Double Trouble?” Man, they were funny! They had the house with the pond and let seven frogs loose in the teacher’s lounge in 8th grade. Hilarious! Too bad they both drowned the night they graduated while drunkenly stumbling into the very pond they caught those frogs in at their grad party. Good times!

Sammy Martin
Sammy was a teacher-distracter extraordinaire. One day he replaced all the lyrics to the Pledge of Allegiance with “Poopy Diarrhea.” Fucking legend. He died during Welcome Week at college trying to do a backflip off of the Delta Psi house.

Jacob King
The King! Who could forget the king? Of all the class clowns he really grew over the years and came into his own. When he first brought that whoopee cushion in third grade we thought he was a one-trick pony but boy were we wrong! He made fart sounds for the next nine years at Franklin High. Always innovating. Man, when he made the class think that the girl who got cut from the cheerleading squad got cut because she farted on the human pyramid… pure gold! Too bad he died the day before Thanksgiving freshman year of college. That was a fun night until he died!

Ricky Garbin
Ricky the Rocket! I’m not sure if he was “funny” so to speak, but do you remember how many times he tried to run away from school? Seeing him get up from his desk and bolt out of the room was the best! Usually someone caught him but on rare days when he made it outside, the cops came and principal Levesque had to chase after him and get all sweaty. That was funny. Too bad he died during spring break freshman year. Ricky may have been able to outrun the cops back in the day but that did not prepare him for jumping in that zoo’s tiger exhibit.

Dave Williams
Remember Dave? He always toed the line between being hilarious and kind of scary. Maybe it was an attention thing? Who knows! No one could make a teacher cry like Dave. He was funny too! He did the best Stewie impression. It made him way less scary on his bad days when he would flip desks and stuff. He actually almost didn’t make the list since he was still alive but luckily as I was writing this, one of the moms of one of his kids posted a GoFundMe link for his medical bills and it’s not looking good. So here’s to you,Dave! See you at the funeral!

Freelance Writer Attributes Financial Success to Dishwashing Job

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BOSTON — Local freelance writer Brittany Gates credits her financial success as a freelance writer to the full-time day job that she doesn’t tell anybody about, close friends and general managers confirmed.

“Really, the secret to my apparent success is just lying through my teeth whenever I get the chance,” Gates said, as she hosed tray after tray at a cafe that she asked us not to disclose. “I get paid by the job with the writing stuff for sure, but if I want to eat or pay my bills I have to get creative. Scrubbing dishes is a sweet gig because when the trays come back there are french fries, or a completely uneaten half of a grilled cheese that sometimes has pesto or even bacon on it. One time somebody made a curbside order for ribs, and they didn’t even pick it up!”

Tom Perez, Gate’s general manager, has nothing but good things to say about her work ethic and positive attitude.

“The girl’s a machine,” said Peterson. “I once saw her write marketing content for a Finland-based travel agency on her phone while simultaneously polishing all of the stainless steel and changing the mop water for the next shift. The kid doesn’t quit. She really wants people to know that she didn’t waste four years of her life and $80,000 to write copy about hyaluronic acid for 10 cents a word on her way to and from bathroom breaks.”

Timothy Mock, a former English professor weighs in on Gate’s vocational choices.

“Some might see this whole exchange as an admirable combination of drudgery and moonlighting, but it’s really so much more than that — the industry of higher education has created a very bitter and verbose individual who will pick up underpaying jobs because they’re tits deep in debt, and in doing so, will likely never finish that novel they’ve been working on for six years,” Mock stated. “I wouldn’t co-sign her car loan, that’s for sure. All you can do is root for the kid, hope that she keeps washing dishes, and doesn’t end up stacking boxes at Amazon.”

At press time, Gates was seen FaceTiming with a potential client while choking back tears as she looked at her own sink full of dirty dishes.

Oh, You’re Bisexual? Tell Us Three Women You Hooked up With, and Please Share Every Detail

Posted on by Dianne Nora

Oh, you’re bisexual, huh? Sorry, I’m not buying it. You’re probably just in denial or saying that to get guys like me intrigued. Well, joke’s on you, because I don’t fall for that shit. If you’re really attracted to people of your gender and people of other genders, tell me three women you’ve hooked up with. And please, don’t be afraid to go into every detail of those encounters.

Really, if you’re so bisexual, I would love to hear about a time when you and a female acquaintance had a few too many drinks and maybe started undressing each other, innocent at first, perhaps it started as a joke, but then you were kissing and things escalated from there…or something. I don’t know. You’re the one who’s bi. Allegedly.

What, do my questions offend you? Are you saying that just because you’ve mentioned your sexual orientation, that doesn’t mean you want to share personal details of your sexual history with me? What’s that about? Sounds like poser talk to me!

I don’t even need to hear what you all did together, unless sharing specifics about your preferred positions would make you feel better. You’re a bottom, right? Submissive? I’m just making an informed guess, based on your makeup, and my expertise on bi chicks from what I’ve read. I read a lot. And I’ve seen some videos online.

But, hey, if you wanted to tell me about what the woman who you most recently had sex with looked like, such as her body type or ethnicity or even just a few words about her feet? I think a real bisexual would definitely have that info.

I’m actually an ally to the queer community, which is why I’m asking you this in the first place. There’s nothing worse than posers trying to invade queer spaces, or mislead lesbians looking for love, or partnership, or even just a good time one night. Maybe in a pool or a hot tub. When I think of what you’re doing to those poor lesbians, maybe with a loofah, or some sort of toy, I feel sick, and sweaty a little, and I need some time to myself, so please don’t come over here for several minutes.

Is scissoring a real thing? I mean, obviously, I know, I just want to make sure you know. And if you’ve done it, and with who, and what they looked like or if you have pics or whatever.

Fine, I can tell you don’t want to tell me. I can just watch. Please?

Punk House Lists Asbestos-related Mesothelioma Payouts as Perk of Renting Room

Posted on by Brandon Morland

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Lenny Hanna is reportedly attempting to rent out a room in his flop-house by telling tenants they may eventually be entitled to payouts from lawsuits advertised on TV, weary sources confirmed.

“It’s an awesome side hustle, I used to give plasma but this is a lot easier,” said Hanna, who proudly showed off hundreds of lead paint chips on the windowsills. “I get about $60 a month until the day I die because this used to be public housing and the city never helped remove all the asbestos insulation. I get winded when I walk up the stairs, and I can’t talk for more than five minutes, but it’s free money, baby. We’ve got around eight people living here at the moment but some aren’t looking too good so it’s a great opportunity for the right guy. My friend rented a room over in the Tenderloin and he got hepatitis. No money. Here though, we have plenty of asbestos and cash to spare!”

Some renters were curious about the potential room and extra cash.

“Yeah, I’m really considering it. Most of the rooms I’m finding have been out of my price range,” said potential renter Matt Alvarez. “This one is really cheap and has a really nice ‘Scarface’ poster, but the whole cancer part is bumming me out. My other option for the price in this area is a futon in some guy’s kitchen. I’ve been a smoker since I was 13 so I’m well on my way to cancer anyway. This place has a big room, it’s pretty close to BART, they are open to any animals living there. I probably shouldn’t pass this up, free mesothelioma money is something I could really use to get my tape distro up and running.”

Real estate agent Lydia Simpson has concerns about the listing.

“I understand the draw. This is a tough time for renters and property owners. You have to gain an edge somehow,” said Simpson. “Some owners offer a two-bedroom when it’s only one and a cot in a closet. I mean, we even listed one of our properties as having central air but it’s really just a hole in the middle of the ceiling. Medical stuff though, I’d try to keep that quiet. The average renter would prefer not to be slowly murdered by their home.”

At press time, Hanna added to the listing by offering a one-month discount on rent to anyone that could guess which room someone had recently died in.

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