NORTH HALEDON, N.J — Local mother and intolerable gift-giver Lisa Whitaker was physically unable to restrain herself from sharing which Christmas gifts she got on sale at Kohl’s on Friday.
“Even if I grip my mouth shut with both of my hands, eventually the excitement of the sale gets the better of me and I just burst,” said Whitaker while she scanned Amazon.com for last-minute Christmas deals. “I got my son a bomber jacket for eighty percent off on Black Friday. You think I can just keep quiet about something like that? No chance in hell. Giving gifts humbly isn’t the thing that brings me Christmas cheer, but the amount of money I save by stashing all my Kohl’s cash sure does.”
“This year I got my daughter-in-law a blender for ninety percent off. I basically made money buying it. I’m so excited to tell her, I might not even make it to Christmas,” she added.
Whitaker’s son, Devon Whitaker, is a first-hand witness to his mother’s detrimental lack of self-control.
“Our mom always ruins the surprise by blurting out which gift she got us on sale before we’re even done opening it,” said Whitaker’s son. “I have to put on noise-canceling headphones just to enjoy the moment uninterrupted. It’s actually really concerning how hyperactive she gets when she’s talking about what she got on sale. Last year she started foaming at the mouth while she yammered on about some two for one deal on slippers at Target. I’ve never seen a human look so rabid in my life.”
Dr. Lina Morales, a professor in Social Sciences at Brown University, has found alarming patterns of this behavior amongst suburban mothers.
“In a recent survey, we found that three out of four moms suffer from being physically unable to restrain themselves from sharing what gifts they’ve gotten on sale,” said Morales. “It’s a huge global health concern. Mothers that suffer from being unable to restrain themselves are at risk of gift receipt pile-up, store credit fatigue, and possibly facing dreaded red-tag, no refunds deals. The safest thing to do to avoid any risks is just let your mom talk about the sale, smile and nod.”
At press time, when asked by reporters what she will do to keep from sharing which gifts she got on sale, Whitaker replied, “I will just have to do my best to not tell my son that I got him a Kindle for half price. Oh wait, I just ruined the surprise. Sorry!”