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D.A.R.E. Officer Demoted After Class Ends Without Him Killing Single Teenager

EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — Local police officer James Kehoe was stripped of his Sergeant rank after his two semesters of D.A.R.E. classes didn’t result in him shooting any teenage students, disgusted police department representatives confirmed.

“I completely understand the decision and I have to respect it. I tried to explain that none of the kids mouthed off enough for me to justify drawing my weapon and using lethal force, but that’s never mattered before so my superiors didn’t want to hear it,” said Officer Kehoe while patrolling the outskirts of Brookside Cemetary. “Sure, I slammed a couple of kids on the floor when they laughed during my presentation on the dangers of cannabis, but in this day and age, that’s just not enough. If I could do it all again I’d make sure I shot half that class… I need to do something to restore the integrity of this department and my colleagues.”

Officer Kehoe’s superiors are unsure about the young patrolman’s future.

“This is disgraceful. As police officers, we have a reputation to uphold. If these high schoolers don’t fear us then they could start running wild. Maybe they start with shoplifting, and then they turn into international art thieves on bathtub crank because they don’t fear the police,” said Captain Steven Coltis. “I’ve already informed the school’s superintendent that we plan on coming in the first day after holiday break and cracking a couple skulls just so we can reassert our dominance. In the meantime, Officer Michael Grady will take over D.A.R.E. instruction. He recently shot four people at the old folks home, and we think he’s ready for this.”

Opponents of the D.A.R.E. program say the curriculum is still flawed and stress that police officers should not be shooting students.

“There is lots of data showing that bringing police officers into schools is bad for students’ well-being and often has the opposite effect when telling them to stay off drugs. Not to mention that armed police officers shooting children should be universally panned, not encouraged,” said community organizer Austin Leary. “I still remember how D.A.R.E. made me feel. The descriptions of the drugs made me curious, I wanted to try them all immediately. I also remember Officer Donner tasing my friend Brandon until his heart stopped because he made a joke about cocaine. The entire police force came to the funeral and stood in the back laughing.”

At press time, Officer Kehoe was demoted once again after an investigation into his wife’s black eye revealed she had actually slipped in the shower.