JERUSALEM — Biblical scholars were stunned by a newly discovered set of ancient scrolls that suggests Jesus not only turned water into wine, but also strawberry coconut flavored hard seltzer, impossibly refreshed historians confirmed.
“We were never expecting to find this,” said archaeologist Donald Wilson. “But there we were, translating a long lost scripture we find on clay tablets deep inside a previously sealed off cave, with Jesus saying, ‘Sometimes beer seemeth too heavy, but wine doth not seem quite right either. So behold, for I have turneth water into a sparkling hard beverage of the sickest berry in all of creation, the likes of which will remind all of a tropical vacation in hell.’ We had no idea that people were enjoying lightly carbonated beverages that also pack a punch that far back.”
“There was also evidence that strawberry coconut was just one of the inventive flavors,” Wilson added. “One scroll mentioned a Pomegranate Grape blend, and another showed evidence of what I assume was a far less popular flavor; Wild Fig Olive.”
Christians across the globe had strong feelings about Jesus’ supposed drink of choice.
“There’s no way in hell Jesus drank wussy seltzers when everybody knows he would’ve been pounding a nice fat can of Natty Ice!” said Garth Robertson, Christian, American, and self-appointed female body inspector. “Clearly Jesus wasn’t some fancy pants wine drinker, that sat around discussing art or some bullshit. The guy was out there getting wasted, flipping tables, fooling around with Mary on the reg, and being an all-around badass. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and let liberal California tell me what a true American like Jesus would have drank.”
However, religious leaders are reiterating that this new discovery doesn’t change their understanding of the bible, Jesus, and the sacrifice he made.
“Like, I always knew Jesus was my homeboy, but this just proves it,” said alternative youth pastor Kevin Ames. “Knowing that Jesus gave up those crisp Cucumber Peach Hard Seltzers actually underlines the sacrifice that he made. The only thing that this changes, is that I now need to tattoo a can of hard seltzer on my left forearm right next to the flaming ten commandments. Praise Him.”
At press time, the Vatican was looking into adjusting church doctrine and mandating the use of Habanero Piña Colada Hard Seltzer instead of wine for communion.