Oh no! Those awful specters are back, ready to teach me a supernatural lesson of redemption, just in time for the holidays! Well, even though I’m stuck home alone after alienating all my friends and family with my miserly ways for decades, I’m not gonna let these ghosts get me! When those Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future try to get in my mansion this year, I think they’re going to find that my boobytraps are armed and ready for them!
When the ghost of my old business partner showed up to warn me, it was all I could do to not hold my hands up to my face and scream. But now that I know what I’m up against, no benevolent spirit is going to remind me of all the hopes and joys of my youthful self and entreat me to remember the ultimately warm and gentle heart of humanity. Nope, when that Ghost of Christmas Present shows up to my cold, four-post canopy bed and pulls aside the curtain, BAM! Heavy, dripping paint can is gonna smack that ghost right in his dumb ghostly face!
One down!
And while Past is being dispatched, I bet the Ghost of Christmas Present will be casing the joint. I can just see that jolly, holly-crowned giant in his splendid evergreen coat, slipping like a jerk on the front steps I carefully poured water on to make them dangerously slippery! And when he finally makes his way up the steps to my front door and grabs the doorknob, guess what, Ghost-ass? Burning hot doorknob! Gotcha!
Yes! Fist-pump!
Finally, we’ve got the most dangerous of all: the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Given that he’s the literal embodiment of all future events, up to and including my death as a miserable, lonely old man, he’s going to be hard to trick. Even after I rig a kind of primitive, hand-cranked circular fan to blow the finest goose feathers over his dusky shroud, which will already have been coated in glue from the finest horses, he’ll still be coming after me. And after the nail I made him step on, tripwire and Buzz’s tarantula, he’s going to be so mad, he’ll be ready to bite my fingers off!
Little does he know I’ll already have my pathetic clerk, Bob, ready with a snow-shovel to knock him on his bony ass! Take that, cautionary tale! Not this house, not this year!
And then, off to New York City, to do the exact same thing, but in a fancy hotel!
Also, must remember to dock Bob’s wages for being out of the office on company time. Humbug!