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Man Hospitalized Over Shock Drummer Is Woman

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local man Dale Harrison was admitted to the ICU at St. Mary’s Hospital last Thursday after discovering that the drummer of a band he’s become a recent fan of is a woman.

“I’ve been listening to Sacred Nectar for a solid four months now and was super stoked to finally see them live,” said Harrison while eating a green jello cup in his hospital room. “I was watching the show and noticed the drummer was super dope. Then I noticed the drummer had really long hair and I was like, ‘Whoa this dude’s hair is long!’ After that, I realized that dude was a chick, and that’s when I fully passed out. I only finally came to when the nurse started yelling ‘Tommy Lee’ over and over, thank God.”

Michael McGuinness, a nurse at St. Mary’s Hospital, went on to explain the medical reasoning behind Harrison’s condition, and how something like this can be avoided in the future.

“Women are smaller and have tiny arms. Meanwhile, men are larger, and have big, strong arms,” explained McGuinness, while pointing at a diagram he clearly made himself. “Measures can be taken to prevent medical emergencies like this from happening. You can look at the liner notes of the album you’re listening to and see if the drummer has a girly-sounding name, or maybe try googling pictures of the band before you see them live in concert. I remember finding out Lenny Kravitz had a female drummer. I’m lucky I found out about the Velvet Underground’s drummer before I heard them or I might not be here talking to you today.”

Lacy Walz, the drummer of Sacred Nectar, spoke on her experience as a female percussionist.

“I mean I’ve been playing drums for over 25 years, and have somehow been shocking people with my drumming for 26 years, so I’m used to it,” said Walz. “One time I had a guy give me pointers on how I was doing drum fills, and then later I found out he’d never even played the drums before. Then again, he probably hadn’t had a woman make eye contact for that long either, so I just let it slide. Whatever.”

Harrison was set to be released from the hospital the following morning, however, he suffered another setback after discovering that the doctor treating him was also, in fact, a woman.