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Metal Band Actually Rock Band in Costumes

LINKÖPING, Sweden — Confused audience members were shocked at a recent Forest Floor show when the band, dressed in matching cloaks and heavy eyeshadow, began their set with “Semi-Charmed Life.”

“I don’t get why everyone is so upset. These guys are bringing the house down. They are rocking as hard, if not harder, than Live, Stone Temple Pilots, or even Our Lady Peace,” said local fan Lukas Pettersson while adjusting his Anthrax vest. “Sure, they aren’t as heavy as Godsmack, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t metal as fuck. Next, you are going to try to tell me that Three Days Grace isn’t a metal band. Well, I’m sorry, but last time I checked, every member of that band owns a shirt with a skull on it. That’s pretty metal if you ask me.”

Disgusted showgoer Chrissy Lindström claims she saw right through the band’s façade.

“My boyfriend took me to see Ghost. Very cool show but they sound like the soundtrack to a ‘60s propaganda movie where someone dies after hitting a blunt at a beach party,” said Lindström while finishing her eighth beer. “I honestly don’t even know what these guys are going for. You can clearly see that they are wearing light-colored blue jeans. I think their cloaks are the bathrobes I saw at bed bath and beyond last week, and the smoke machine was working double-time to cover their dad shoes.”

Music historian Miram Alejandra says this phenomenon has led to widespread confusion among “real” metalheads.

“After the success of Judas Priest, the Village People created the leatherman character to bring in more of a metal audience. But as soon as the metalheads heard disco they made their way to the door,” said music Alejandra while flipping through a copy of Alice Cooper’s autobiography. “Nowadays, anyone beating a six-foot drum while wearing a cloak and mask can get booked at Knotfest.”

At press time, venue sources indicate that members of Forest Floor were seen leaving the show loudly singing along to “Uptown Girl.”