Press "Enter" to skip to content

“Oh What’s This?!” Exclaims Mom Reaching into Cooler Who Knows Damned Well it’s Hard Seltzer

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local mother Meredith Ashby displayed a performative expression of surprise and intrigue at a neighborhood cookout yesterday afternoon after reaching into the adult beverage cooler and pulling out a VII by CANarchy hard seltzer, a beverage her family confirms she has been drinking for at least five years.

“Yeah, Mom was on her bullshit again at the cookout yesterday,” confirmed Nathan Ashby, Meredith’s 24-year-old son. “She was all ‘Oooh, what’s this?!’ as if she hasn’t been getting loaded on hard seltzers at every cookout, and before and after them, for like half a decade. I don’t know if it’s denial or she just gets so hammered every time she actually forgets they exist. Either way, it’s fucked up, and I’m out of responses to feign.”

According to witnesses, Ashby spent the rest of the afternoon consuming can after can in rapid succession while asking anyone in earshot if they’ve heard of this “new stuff” and exclaiming “so refreshing!” every five minutes or so.

“She does this every time, every goddamn time! And before that it was Twisted Tea,” said Ashby’s daughter, Meghan, expressing frustration at the situation. “I have watched that woman say ‘I guess I’ll have one just to try it’ before getting so smashed she makes lewd gestures with pool noodles literally my entire life. Then if we try to call her out for having a problem it’s ‘What are you crazy? All I had was tea!’ or ‘It’s just seltzer!’ Just non-stop passive aggressive gaslight bullshit.”

Ashby’s husband, Carl, seemed to be the only person in attendance that didn’t find his wife’s claims to be suspicious.

“Have you tried these new alcoholic energy drinks they have now?” asked Mr. Ashby, while holding up a can and spinning it 360 degrees and looking upon it with amazement, fooling no one. “I tried them at a barbeque yesterday. I can’t believe I never heard of these before.”

At press time, Mrs. Ashby was overheard asking for the 23rd time if anyone knew why her “headache pills” were making her lightheaded and happy.